The Dictator Page #5

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Yes! Who Shot Lager Labbit

was a huge hit in China!

Nobody

It's stu p

All right, I don'! care.

This is stupid, okay'?

Okay, I'll do Filipino.

I like to work, I like to talk.

- Don't.

- I like the sh*t, I do the kids.

Slop that.

Your Filipino

is the same as your Chinese!

Now who's being a Iacist?

- You're being Iacist now,

- I'm not being racist!

Right now we have to

get on this helicopter

and we have to act

like true Americans.

I guess you don'! want me

to play black then.

Of course I don't want you

to play black.

Okay. Just throwing it

out there'

Okay. Don't.

Okay, don'! do that.

- I see what you're doing,

- That's how they walk.

I see what you're doing,

it's not cool.

It's how they walk,

I love being

an Americans!

America is number one!

Oh, I am from U.S.A.!

My father also

from U.S.A.

My great-grandfather fought

in the American Civil Jihad.

I am very proud

to be an American,

I am America's

number one douche,

I've fooled them' Job done,

So, how are things back at the Palace?

Fine, but guess

who's still living in my guest house?

Ooh, Bin Laden?

Yes, Osama.

Bin Laden ooding the bathroom

every time he showers...

And how hard is it to put a bath mat

down, Bin Laden?

Hey, do you remember

my favorite sports car?

You mean your Porsche?

Yes... the 911,

So I was driving my 911 near the

palace one day...

and I totally crashed!

It's ck, I've already ordered a new one

A brand new 9112012,

You know, while you are here, you

should try to see some of the sights-.

Such as the Empire State Building...

and Yankee Stadium,

And I'd love to see the fireworks

over the Statue of Liberty.

Hey, have your old back problems been

bothering you?

Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that

I made myself a back brace.

- Really?

- Yes, look, I'm still wearing it,

Hey. my English is getting good

I bet I can count down from five

faster than you can!

Five, four,

three, two, one!

Allison! Are you okay'?

L. Yes,

You know what?

You people, you make me sick!

You see a Middle Easterner

on an aircraft

and you just assume

that he's hatching some violent plot?

Allison Burgers is a persecuted

dissident, not a murderous madman!

He was reported saying, "Let's take out

the guards at the Lancaster."

Guess what?

We deliver to the Lancaster!

Good one!

Maybe he wanted to

take the guards out for a falafell

That's a bit

of a stereotype,

but I get the idea.

Great idea! Yeah. You.

You know what?

Is it a crime to care about your job?

Yeah! Well,

it is in Wadiya.

Where did you get your diversity

and sensitivity training, huh?

The Stasi?

Let's see how you feel about racial

profiling when white people...

And I know

what I'm talking about

because I majored

in Fem Lit!

Come on,

Hey! What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Don't worry!

Just suck the fatoot

of the biggest guy, you'll be fine.

You're really

f***ing me here, man!

The police here

are such fascists!

Yeah, right,

and not in a good way.

It just makes me so mad!

You know, Zoey,

you were great back there,

Thanks. I just

I don'! know,

I just feel so sorry

that wherever

you go in the world,

you're the victim

of police abuse.

Well, not always the victim,

Come here.

I'm just so sorry! You're okay now.

All right?

And I'm not gonna

let anything bad happen to you.

You know what? Let's get you

back to the collective, okay?

Come on,

No, a bit more.

Okay.

- Come on, let's go. I need to go to work.

- I feel so sad!

Let's do another hug, okay?

Allison, why are you sad'?

The brutality'?

Did you suffer

from sexual abuse?

Yes, they raped me in

a very unprofessional way.

Oh, no.

We have to get you to the Rape Center.

You have a center

for rape here?

Great! I'd love to go!

Maybe another time, you know.

Hire a limo, have some

cocktails, bring my raping shoes,

Can you get me that one?

Which one?

The one with

the "f***-me hooves,"

You're bizzare. I'm going to have

to change the channels now.

Mtour from hell

for an Ohio couple earlier today when,

...with shades of 9/11,

their helicopter tour

of the Manhattan skyline was cut short

by what police are new

calling a "terrorism misunderstanding"

involving a man named

E mer Gencyexitonly.

Elra.

We have a problem,

Hannah, that guy from the

Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning

so why don't you take

the mafroom downstairs

and make some sort of

a nice display?

I just want everything

to be perfect.

Zoey?

Allison. Hi.

To thank you for what you did

today at the police station,

I have decided to

bestow upon you a gifi

- That's sweet. What is it?

- Yeah'

I don't know

what that is.

It's fine.

Please, gobble up my little mouse.

Snack on my

tiny raisin.

Give her

a mouth bath- Go

Oh! No!

No, I am not

going to do that,

I'm getting a lot of this

and not much of this.--.

Listen, I understand

that you're having urges, okay'?

Right,

But you need to

take care of them by yourself,

Myself? What? How'?

You need to

touch yourself.

I don't touch myself.

Do you touch yourself?

I think most

healthy people do, yes.

Yeah, you touch your own

malawach? Disgusting! Yuck!

Yuck!

Stop joking, all right?

You've never jerked off'?

Okay, come with me.

Where are you taking me to?

The Rape Center?

This is silly.

Qkay...

Take your penis out

and put it in your hands,

This is silly.

Now, slowly move your hand

up and down.

Okay.

I told you already,

this is...

Wail,

What sorcery is this?

Some people

wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

Some people

wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

Whoa, I can'! believe

itt happening to me

Some people

wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

I can'! believe

ilk happening to me

I did it!

I justjerked it completely off!

a did it all by myself!

With this hand right here!

I grabbed my bilbul

like I was strangling a bird.

And I smacked it

and I smacked it and I gave it a flick,

and out came

my own Iabeneh!

Zoey?

Zoey! You have

changed my life!

Give a man a vagina

and he will shpichs for a day.

Teach a man to use

his hand as a vagina,

and he will shpichs

for a lifetime.

Oh. No, no. Thank you.

Allison, you may need to keep

your voice down because.-.

We've got a lot of customers.

You may want to go wash up,

Fine,

Joteph, go and hose dawn

my Crocs.

I've done my Iabeneh

all over the wellness center,

Okay.

The guy from the Lancaster

is going to love this.

Okay.

Good night, Allison.

I'll see you

tomorrow morning.

Good night! Thank you again.

This is nice. Or lovely.

- Who is it?

.

What are you doing?

I've discovered

this amazing thing.

I have to show you

how to do it.

It's called self juicing,

You put your hand

on your bilbul and you rub it,

and then you can make

your own labeneh come out.

You don'! have to

spend any Rolexes.

You don't have to give

any dirty diamonds.

I cannot believe I'm having this

conversation with an adult man.

What do you mean?

You knew about this?

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