The Dictator Page #7

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Oh. my God!

Baby? The ambulance can't

be here for 20 minutes. Can you hold it?

I can't hold it!

It's coming out!

It's coming out!

Does anyone have

any medical experience?

I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon

for the last 22 years.

Please.

Please help us. Please.

- Allison, they need your help. Come on.

- Okay, fine.

Come on,

Are you okay'?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Sorry! Old habits die hard.

All right, I'm going in.

That's the wrong hole!

- What?

- You just put your fist up the wrong hole,

If I had a dollar for

every time I heard that,

Get it outta there,

- Going in again.

- Okay, good.

Still my a**hole!

What is wrong

with you, man?

You just put it in

my a**hole again!

Just go up

from where you are,

The good news is,

your prostate is completely healthy.

That's good. That's good,

- Going in again.

- Okay, good.

Hold on.

What are you.

Allison, stop it!

You need two hands!

But I'm in the middle

of the text.

It's coming out!

- Where is that coming from?

- What?

I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna have to take this call,

ls there a phone

in my body?

What are you doing?

I'm in

the Lincoln Tunnel,

What? Okay, look.

We need to talk for a minute.

Hello, Nadal.

Listen, I can't speak now.

I'll speak to you later,

okay? Bye!

Stop talking to my vagina!

Zoey, the baby's stuck. I need you to put

your hand in and help me,

- What? No...

- Come on! Put it in!

- No, don't be scared. Put it in.

- Okay. Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Put it right there on the right side,

- Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!

- Push in.

I think I feel an arm!

That's my finger.

Excuse me. You guys

make a really cute couple together,

But maybe could you finish doing this

when you're not elbow-deep

in my p*ssy!

Okay, Allison,

you've got the head?

- I've got the head.

- Okay, it's coming out,

Come on, push!

Where are the rebel bases?

Where are the rebel bases?

Sorry, sorry.

Wait, I can see the head!

I can see the head!

I can't push anymore!

You did it!

You did it!

I sentence you

to life,

It's still attached!

Sorry. Oh, no.

- What's wrong?

- I'm sorry.

It's bad news,

It's a girl,

Where's the trash can'?

No, no, no, no!

That's what we wanted!

We'll take her,

we'll take her.

Oh, baby.

You were so

amazing down there.

You saved

a little person's life,

It feels so nice

to kiss you.

I know. It's nice

to kiss you, too,

I love the hugging.

I just came,

I don't care.

Lie back,

Okay.

This is going to be

amazing for you.

Okay!

You have such

a small stomach,

It's like

a 10-year-old boy's

Normally, I don't kiss

a 10-year-old boys stomach,

They kiss mine.

See you in 15 minutes.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Wail,

Allison,

before we go any further,

there's something

that I want to tell you.

You've got a dick.

I knew it.

Allison,

I don't have a dick.

Great!

And I've never been

with a guy with a dick.

Or any guy

Or boys.

Just girls,

And children,

Not male ones.

Female ones.

What I wanted to

tell you was this.

I really wan!

to be with you, Allison Burgers,

Zoe?

I'm not really

Allison Burgers,

I'm actually

a little somebody called

Admiral General

Aladeen.

No, what's your real name?

Wait, this will

convince you.

Look, it's me!

The weapons inspectors

will bathe in their own blood!

That's your beard'?

No, no, no!

It's not my beard.

My friend chopped the head

oh' Morgan Freeman.

It's a hilarious story.

I'll tell you later, okay'?

You are out of your mind.

You're insane!

Well, you download songs

illegally from the Internet.

So let's not

throw stones, okay'?

You're a murderer!

No, no, no!

Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No,

You were just using me

to get access to that hotel!

No!

Zoey, I'm attracted to you

in a really f***ed-up way.

Oh. my God!

I'm canceling that

contract tomorrow!

No, Zoey! What have

I ever done wrong?

You lied to me!

And you're wanted

for war crimes!

That stuff never sticks.

You need to leave now.

You have broken my heart

into Aladeen pieces.

With the signing of the

constitution tomorrow morning,

democracy in Wadiya

is just hours away,

and people are

in the streets celebrating.

Kill Aladeen,

killAIadeen, hey!

Kill Aladeen,

killAIadeen, hey!

What do you think of

Admiral General Aladeen?

We hale him. We hate him.

You know,

when we think of him, we...

We vomit, and we spit

and we don'! want him.

What would you say to General

Aladeen if he were watching this?

I have a message

forAIadeen.

Suevel.

Sue vef. Sue vet.

- Good-bye!

- Stop, stop, wait!

What are you doing?

How did you find me'?

You texted me, like,

seven times,

I am executing myself!

What? why'?

Because no one

has ever loved me!

Your father would

be ashamed of you!

No, I've realized

I don't want to be like my father!

In fact,

I don't want to be a dictator anymore!

What's that now?

I've been on a spiritual journey,

man, like Eat, Pray, Love.

Have you gone insane?

I now know that

on the outside,

I am a bit of

a cocksucker

- Yeah.

- But deep down I'm nice.

- Not really.

- Yes, I am! I'm like mafroom.

Hard and spiky

on the outside,

but soft and

really mushy on the in.

You're not like

mafroom at all. You're like an onion,

An outer layer

of cocksucker,

and when you

peel it away,

there is 10 more layers

of cocksucker underneath,

You are such a schmuck!

- Why are you speaking Yiddish?

- I picked it up,

What do you mean,

"I picked it up"? Who picks up Yiddish?

I'm in New York!

We're trying to erase

that country off the map!

I don'! like the people,

but I like the way that

their words really sound like

what they're meant to be.

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the

Evite to your bar mitzvah?

Oh. my God!

You've got real

chutzpah saying that!

Look, where has being

a nice guy gotten you, huh?

Standing on the edge

of a bridge about to commit suicide?

Still wearing Crocs?

What's wrong with Crocs?

They are the universal symbol of a

man who has given up hope!

You might as well

put sweatpants on

and go to Applebee's

for the rest of your life!

I'll give you that one,

I do look ridiculous.

Yes! Listen, if you won't

come down from there for yourself,

do it for your country,

If this constitution

is signed,

there will be free press,

women drivers, civil rights!

What are "civil rights"?

I'll tell you later.

They're hilarious.

Look, you alone can stop

these terrible things from happening,

You are the last

great dictator!

All of the others

are gone! Qaddafi,

Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.

You are right, Nadal.

I will become

the greatest dictator of all,

the envy of madmen

everywhere!

Yes, Supreme Leader!

From the mountaintops of North Korea

to the jungles of Zimbabwe,

let every child laborer

and sweatshop factory worker sing,

"Oppressed at last!

Oppressed at last!

"Thank Aladeen,

I am oppressed at last!"

Yes! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

- No, no, no, no, don'! fall.

- I'm not doing anything.

Just do like a pull-up.

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