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The Dictator Page #8
You know how you do pull-ups?
I invented the pull-up.
If you're just joining us, we
are at the Lancaster Hotel,
where in about 20 minutes,
General Aladeen will be signing the
new Wadiyan constitution.
Dignitaries from
around the world
are arriving now to witness
the creation of a democracy
that will undoubtedly change
the political landscape
of the entire region.
As Wadiya goes,
so goes North Africa.
Eddie Norton, next time
you pee on me.
Whatever,
And tell Viggo Monensen
he is on my radar.
How do you say,
"Fly is in the soup"?
Gentlemen, Tamir.
Let me introduce you
to my beautiful wife.
Mrs. Lao, it is my
very great pleasure,
No, no, no, no.
She does not speak English,
Watch this.
You ugly horse!
She doesn't know,
"Ohhh." See?
She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch,
Shaved ape.
"Ohhh."
Wait. That is how you intend to get me
across to the Lancaster?
Absolutely,
- Where'd you get that?
- I built it
When I was going
to assassinate you.
You mean my double.
Sure, Yeah,
Bingo;
Love it!
- Here's what you do.
- Okay.
Zipline across,
kill the double,
and then rip up the constitution in
front of the world's media.
Piece of cake.
Hello, Lancaster!
I don't understand
what has happened.
My calculations
were very precise.
If you lose enough weight,
then the zipline will work.
Do you have anything
in your pockets'?
Let me check,
What is that?
It's Vita Coco water,
Why do you have
Vita Coco water'?
Because it has
as much potassium as three bananas,
The line is
still too heavy,
ls there anything else in your pockets
that could be weighing you down'?
You're kidding. So then why did
Because I don't trust the
advertising. I'm naturally suspicious,
carrying? You're still too heavy,
Just this.
What is that, a brick?
All this time you've had a
brick? Why do you have that?
Well, to balance out
You have two bricks'?
Yes!
Throw them down
immediately!
Oh, my God!
There's a little goat eating the wire!
You need to lose
weight immediately!
My pockets are empty.
Icould poo.
That won't be enough
to make a difference.
Yes, it will.
I haven't gone since Wadiya.
Losing power
has stopped me up like a cork,
Hurry!
Come on, Supreme Leader!
Make it rain! Make it rain!
It's out!
And it's pointy!
Somebody stop that man!
Yes!
What'? No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Supreme Leader!
Get out of here
Who is Tamil'?
Tamirm
The bald bastard
who did all these terrible things to us!
I thought
his name was Dennis,
Haw would you
even make that leap? Tamirto Dennis?
- Go on, get out! Get out!
- Come on, Monlzi!
Quick!
Just jump.
It's not that far.
Efawad h
It is almost time.
I like goats,
I am very stupid,
This is
an historic moment.
Admiral General
Aladeen of Wadiya
is going to be signing
the first democratic
constitution in the history of his nation,
Across the globe,
people are glued to their television sets.
The people of Wadiya
are celebrating
what will be
a new chapter in their country.
Just moments away now
from putting his signature
on the first
democratic constitution.
That's Tamir Mafraad,
Aladeen's trusted advisor,
sharing a lighthearted moment with
Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.
Any thoughts on
what they might be saying, Mike?
I thought I made out
the words "Harvey Keitel,"
Don't know
what that meant.
Maybe they shared
a hot dog together, I'm thinking?
That would make sense. He's wiping the
mustard off his face and chest.
Excuse me!
You have to let me in.
You don't understand.
He's trying to
stop the signing!
Tamir is now speaking,
Today,
we begin a new era,
Wadiya will be
open to the world.
Open to the future.
And open for business.
The document is
ready to be signed, Supreme Leader,
What are you doing?
This man is an imposter!
No! This traitor tried to kill me
and had my beard removed!
Look!
Arrest the viper Tamir!
And now in another
amazing turn of events,
Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.
This constitution
is nothing
but a license for oil companies
and foreign interests
Wadiya will remain
a dictatorship!
Oh, be quiet.
Why are you guys
so anti dictators?
Imagine if America
was a dictatorship.
You could let 1% of the people
have all the nation's wealth.
You could help
your rich friends
get richer by
cutting their taxes
and bailing them out
when they gamble and lose.
You could ignore the needs of the poor
for health care and education.
Your media
would appear free
but would secretly be controlled
by one person and his family.
you could torture foreign prisoners,
You could have
rigged elections.
You could lie about
why you go to war.
You could fill your prisons
with one particular racial group
and no one would complain!
You could use the media
to scare the people
into supporting policies
that are against their interests.
I know this is hard
for you Americans to imagine,
but please try.
I will tell you
what democracy is!
Democracy is the worst!
Endless talking
and listening to every stupid opinion!
And everybody's
vote counts,
no matter how
crippled or black or female they are,
Democracy
Democracy
has hairy armpits
and could lose five pounds,
Democracy looks like
Democracy, your mother
called the other day
and I forgot to
give you the message,
It was something very important
about your grandmother.
Democracy kisses you
because she wants to,
not because her father
is in the next room chained to a radiator
with electrodes
attached to his nipples.
Democracy is flawed!
She is not perfect!
But democracy,
I love you.
And that is
why I call for real democracy!
A real constitution!
And real elections
in Wadiya!
Oh, no!
Come on!
Democracy,
I will make you one of my wives.
Okay, only wife.
We'll vote on it.
I'll shave
my armpits for you.
Praise be to the Creator!
And please stop using
that organic deodorant,
You could gas the Kurds
with that stench.
You died
protecting me, Efawadh,
Hello!
You are alive?
Of course!
It is my job to be shot in the head.
- Is he okay'?
- He's fine.
Luckily the bullet
hit him in the brain.
So,
what now'?
I return to Wadiya
to participate in fair elections.
Let's now look back
at the wonderful events of the past year.
After Wadiya's
first free elections,
President Prime Minister
Admiral General Aladeen
won 98.8% of the vote.
marriage of President Prime Minister
Admiral Gene-ralAIadeen
and his new bride, Zoey.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Are you okay, my love'?
What did you step on'?
Oh, yes! No, no.
It's my people's tradition.
We always smash a glass at weddings,
- I'm Jewish!
- What?
Maze! to v!
Are you okay'?
That's fine.
I don't mind. it's great!
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"The Dictator" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_dictator_6892>.
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