The Dictator Page #8

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You know how you do pull-ups?

I invented the pull-up.

If you're just joining us, we

are at the Lancaster Hotel,

where in about 20 minutes,

General Aladeen will be signing the

new Wadiyan constitution.

Dignitaries from

around the world

are arriving now to witness

the creation of a democracy

that will undoubtedly change

the political landscape

of the entire region.

As Wadiya goes,

so goes North Africa.

Eddie Norton, next time

you pee on me.

Whatever,

And tell Viggo Monensen

he is on my radar.

How do you say,

"Fly is in the soup"?

Gentlemen, Tamir.

Let me introduce you

to my beautiful wife.

Mrs. Lao, it is my

very great pleasure,

No, no, no, no.

She does not speak English,

Watch this.

You ugly horse!

She doesn't know,

"Ohhh." See?

She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch,

Shaved ape.

"Ohhh."

Wait. That is how you intend to get me

across to the Lancaster?

Absolutely,

- Where'd you get that?

- I built it

When I was going

to assassinate you.

You mean my double.

Sure, Yeah,

Bingo;

Love it!

- Here's what you do.

- Okay.

Zipline across,

kill the double,

and then rip up the constitution in

front of the world's media.

Piece of cake.

Hello, Lancaster!

I don't understand

what has happened.

My calculations

were very precise.

If you lose enough weight,

then the zipline will work.

Do you have anything

in your pockets'?

Let me check,

What is that?

It's Vita Coco water,

Why do you have

Vita Coco water'?

Because it has

as much potassium as three bananas,

The line is

still too heavy,

ls there anything else in your pockets

that could be weighing you down'?

You're kidding. So then why did

you bring three bananas?

Because I don't trust the

advertising. I'm naturally suspicious,

ls there anything else you're

carrying? You're still too heavy,

Just this.

What is that, a brick?

All this time you've had a

brick? Why do you have that?

Well, to balance out

the weight from the other one

You have two bricks'?

Yes!

Throw them down

immediately!

Oh, my God!

There's a little goat eating the wire!

You need to lose

weight immediately!

My pockets are empty.

Icould poo.

That won't be enough

to make a difference.

Yes, it will.

I haven't gone since Wadiya.

Losing power

has stopped me up like a cork,

Hurry!

Come on, Supreme Leader!

Make it rain! Make it rain!

It's out!

And it's pointy!

Somebody stop that man!

Yes!

What'? No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Supreme Leader!

Get out of here

before Tamir kills you.

Who is Tamil'?

Tamirm

The bald bastard

who did all these terrible things to us!

I thought

his name was Dennis,

Haw would you

even make that leap? Tamirto Dennis?

- Go on, get out! Get out!

- Come on, Monlzi!

Quick!

Just jump.

It's not that far.

Efawad h

It is almost time.

I like goats,

I am very stupid,

This is

an historic moment.

Admiral General

Aladeen of Wadiya

is going to be signing

the first democratic

constitution in the history of his nation,

Across the globe,

people are glued to their television sets.

The people of Wadiya

are celebrating

what will be

a new chapter in their country.

Just moments away now

from putting his signature

on the first

democratic constitution.

That's Tamir Mafraad,

Aladeen's trusted advisor,

sharing a lighthearted moment with

Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.

Any thoughts on

what they might be saying, Mike?

I thought I made out

the words "Harvey Keitel,"

Don't know

what that meant.

Maybe they shared

a hot dog together, I'm thinking?

That would make sense. He's wiping the

mustard off his face and chest.

Excuse me!

You have to let me in.

You don't understand.

He's trying to

stop the signing!

Tamir is now speaking,

Today,

we begin a new era,

Wadiya will be

open to the world.

Open to the future.

And open for business.

The document is

ready to be signed, Supreme Leader,

What are you doing?

This man is an imposter!

No! This traitor tried to kill me

and had my beard removed!

Look!

Arrest the viper Tamir!

And now in another

amazing turn of events,

Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.

This constitution

is nothing

but a license for oil companies

and foreign interests

to destroy my beloved Wadiya!

Wadiya will remain

a dictatorship!

Oh, be quiet.

Why are you guys

so anti dictators?

Imagine if America

was a dictatorship.

You could let 1% of the people

have all the nation's wealth.

You could help

your rich friends

get richer by

cutting their taxes

and bailing them out

when they gamble and lose.

You could ignore the needs of the poor

for health care and education.

Your media

would appear free

but would secretly be controlled

by one person and his family.

You could wiretap phones,

you could torture foreign prisoners,

You could have

rigged elections.

You could lie about

why you go to war.

You could fill your prisons

with one particular racial group

and no one would complain!

You could use the media

to scare the people

into supporting policies

that are against their interests.

I know this is hard

for you Americans to imagine,

but please try.

I will tell you

what democracy is!

Democracy is the worst!

Endless talking

and listening to every stupid opinion!

And everybody's

vote counts,

no matter how

crippled or black or female they are,

Democracy

Democracy

has hairy armpits

and could lose five pounds,

Democracy looks like

a midget in a chemo wig,

Democracy, your mother

called the other day

and I forgot to

give you the message,

It was something very important

about your grandmother.

Democracy kisses you

because she wants to,

not because her father

is in the next room chained to a radiator

with electrodes

attached to his nipples.

Democracy is flawed!

She is not perfect!

But democracy,

I love you.

And that is

why I call for real democracy!

A real constitution!

And real elections

in Wadiya!

Oh, no!

Come on!

Democracy,

I will make you one of my wives.

Okay, only wife.

We'll vote on it.

I'll shave

my armpits for you.

Praise be to the Creator!

And please stop using

that organic deodorant,

You could gas the Kurds

with that stench.

You died

protecting me, Efawadh,

Hello!

You are alive?

Of course!

It is my job to be shot in the head.

- Is he okay'?

- He's fine.

Luckily the bullet

hit him in the brain.

So,

what now'?

I return to Wadiya

to participate in fair elections.

Let's now look back

at the wonderful events of the past year.

After Wadiya's

first free elections,

President Prime Minister

Admiral General Aladeen

won 98.8% of the vote.

But the ig story today is the

marriage of President Prime Minister

Admiral Gene-ralAIadeen

and his new bride, Zoey.

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

Are you okay, my love'?

What did you step on'?

Oh, yes! No, no.

It's my people's tradition.

We always smash a glass at weddings,

- I'm Jewish!

- What?

Maze! to v!

Are you okay'?

That's fine.

I don't mind. it's great!

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