The Dukes of Hazzard Page #6

He can't drive without a chassis...

All right, shut up back there!

My cousin's starting to go crazy.

We gotta get him to a hospital.

I think he done caught the fever,

or something.

That's what happens

when you're humping livestock, hillbilly.

Can we help you guys out

with anything up there...

...oblige you with a reach-around

or something?

Of course, you'd have to un-cuff us first.

Sarge, if you and me was to have

a chase, you think you could catch me?

- Appears to me you caught already, son.

- I'm serious.

If I had my car and you was in this one,

you really think you could catch me?

Because, bubba,

this car feels kind of slow to me.

She's got plenty under the hood,

don't you worry about that.

- No balls.

- No balls.

No balls. No balls.

- No balls.

- No balls.

You wanna see balls?

- No balls. No balls.

- Will you slow this car down?

You letting them get your panties

in a bunch. You the officer.

Shut the hell up back there. All right?

- No balls.

- Oh, my God. Will you look at that?

You need a napkin

to eat them drumsticks, boy.

- Goddamn it.

- Nice driving!

What seems to be the problem, sugar?

I think something bounced up

into my undercarriage.

- Will you take a look?

- Ma'am, I'd be pleased...

...to check your undercarriage.

- Thank you.

I stopped you

because your taillight is out.

Stopped me? Sir, you hit me.

Because your taillight is out,

and we couldn't see you brake.

- You're gonna write me a ticket?

- Yep.

This is ridiculous!

Is there anything I can help you out

with today, ma'am?

Do cute cops grow on trees

around here or what?

Well, I, you know... Pushups.

Kind of you to notice.

Let me see what's going on

under your hood here.

- Damn, that's hot.

- Here. Maybe this'll help.

- Bless you.

- No, no, no. My undercarriage.

- Your undercarriage?

- Yeah.

Looks like you boys

have the magic touch.

I was about to seal the deal

when you came over.

What? She was looking at me

the whole time.

- Let's get out of here.

- Where are the goddamn keys?

Y'all think you can catch me now?

Buckle up, this might get exciting.

That's all right. We'll be long gone

before another cop shows up.

Get skinny!

- Okay, where's the highway?

- Don't you have a map?

Wait. I got it.

Turn left up here!

Turn left, turn left!

Damn it, I said, left!

- You said your left!

- My left is your left.

I'm gonna need

these directions faster.

It's okay.

I know exactly where we're at.

So, girls, how's the back seat?

I haven't had this much fun since

we used to sneak up to the hayloft.

You remember those tight little outfits

you used to make me wear.

- I didn't know how to break it to you.

- You didn't know?

Luke, you said he was okay with it.

Look at the road, Bo.

Bo, look at the road.

- Look at the road.

- Supposed to be my time.

Bo!

I think I'm gonna chunder.

- Is that bad?

- That means "vomit. "

- Not in the car.

- Bo!

You told me she wasn't

emotionally available for me.

That it was better to lose a lover

than to love a loser!

Because you would faint

every time you saw her!

I don't faint.

You called me a loser?

I was trying to make him feel better.

Can you just let me out here?

Bo, this is some of the best driving

I ever seen you do.

- Ain't that right, girls?

- Great driving, Bo. Great driving.

Don't kiss my ass.

- Bo, you gotta get us out of here.

- I can't hear you.

- You're being ridiculous, Bo.

- Life is ridiculous, Katie.

I really need a plastic bag now.

What is the purpose of this circle?

How do we get out of here?

- Take this right.

- I'm not listening to you.

Take a right here.

Hell.

You're scaring the girls.

Get back on the road.

- Say sorry for stealing Katie.

- You were never together!

I liked her. You betrayed that.

- I liked her too!

- I liked her first.

Calm down, Bo!

I will calm down

when he says he's sorry!

- Say you're sorry.

- I ain't saying it.

Have you made your peace

with God yet, Luke?

Because you're about to

meet your maker!

- Just say you're sorry!

- No.

We had a good time,

and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Fine. I'll take Annette.

That was fun.

Lost Sheep, Lost Sheep,

are you out there?

Uncle Jesse, where are you?

There's a hearing at the courthouse.

We gotta get everybody over there now.

Sounds like a mighty fine plan, Lucas.

Only got one wrinkle to it.

You do that, could be very bad

for Jesse and Pauline's health.

Hogg, you lay one hand on them...

...and I'll shove a apple in your mouth

and my foot up your ass.

Well, you bring the Vaseline.

We'll make it a party.

You two boys stay out of Hazzard,

and I mean it this time.

- Where you think they got them?

- I don't know.

- Hogg's never gone this far before.

- You ready to go that far?

Cousin, I'm always ready

to go that far.

What are we doing here?

This is Derek Sheevington's place.

Yeah. Pretty good chance this is gonna

get ugly, so we're gonna drop you here.

He got caught drinking

out of the toilet in the girls' bathroom.

I know, I know. But we're gonna need

you girls to work with him.

Oh, good God.

Why, Katie Johnson, is that you?

Boy, you filled out real nice.

Yeah. You filled out

real nice too, Sheev.

What's going on, Sheev? Looks like

we're gonna need some of those toys.

Leave them two girls here,

I'll give you anything you want.

Come on in. I'll put a stew on.

- Hazzard County Police Department.

- Enos, this is Boss Hogg.

Me and Rosco are over

at the Duke place.

- If anybody wants us, we'll be here.

- Well, that's mighty consid...

Rosco, I'm going over

and join the governor at the rally.

Do not be late

going to the courthouse.

Boss, how come you told old Enos there

where we was at?

You remember the time

we tried to fix the rodeo?

- Yeah.

- It was Enos that told the Dukes about it.

Then we tried to spread those rumors

about the Mad Cow Disease...

...so my chicken factories

would make a little more profit.

It was Enos that told the Duke boys.

So you want them Duke boys

to come out here?

Enos, where's Boss Hogg and Rosco?

They're at your farm.

Thank you, Enos.

That might be a new record.

What? Okay, thanks, Daisy.

He's at our farm.

Hey. Hey, look, there's Prickett.

- So?

- He can help us.

He don't care about Hazzard.

He's getting paid to be here.

Oh, man, you're wrong.

He's from here.

- You out of your goddamn mind?

- Hey, Billy.

- Boss Hogg's gonna strip-mine Hazzard.

- Just hold your horses.

- Who's stripping?

- He's playing you, man.

- He paid you to come and race...

- Just save your breath.

- I already know.

- You already know?

- But this is your hometown.

- I hate to break this to you, Bo-Bo...

...but this place is a shithole.

If it wasn't a strip mine,

it'd be a strip mall.

Kind of like one of them outlets where

everything's reduced prices and...

Hell, they don't even have an Outback

Steakhouse down here. Am I right?

- Right as pie, Billy.

- Saddle up, Dil.

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