The Egg and I Page #8

Stretch it out for the rest of the day.

Didn't I tell you not to jump off?

Ain't young'uns a nuisance? Swear I

got so many, can't keep track of'em.

Just wait'll you have yourn.

You'll know what I mean.

- How many you countin' on?

- Just one to begin with.

But not for some time yet.

It's not on our schedule.

- Schedule? They havin' 'em

by schedule these days?

Land of Goshen,

what'll they think of next?

Hmm, say, we don't want

to be late for the prizes.

- You ain't gone and entered somethin', have ya?

- Oh, no.

- No, I'm just interested.

- Greetings, greetings, greetings.

Hello. My, are you really

as important as all that?

Vice president in charge

of practically the whole works.

- You don't say?

- Yeah, top man.

- Anything you need, ask Billy Reed.

- I'll see ya later, Ma.

- I've got some business to discuss with Mr Reed.

- You gonna buy something?

- You come along with me.

- Don't let him sell you nothin'.

First thing you know

he'll be makin' you pay first!

She certainly is a fine animal.

- You have a wonderful farm.

- Oh, I thought you didn't approve of my kind of farm.

I don't in principle, but in practice

it has a lot to be said for it.

Unfortunately, livestock and machinery

don't make a good farm.

- It does need a man.

- You've got men all over the place.

- I said "a" man!

- Oh.

I thought it would be so wonderful

to hide away from everybody...

and be a lady farmer,

but a prize Hereford is small solace...

on a cold winter evening,

I'm discovering.

That shouldn't be too hard

to remedy... for you.

- But all the best men are taken.

- Well, uh...

why don't you sell the farm?

- That the only solution?

- Well, it's one anyway.

Oh.

- Tell me, uh, are you in the market for it?

- Oh, no.

- It's way over my head.

- How can you tell till you've tried it?

- How much would it take?

- Make an offer.

- Well, I... I'd have to examine it.

- Oh, naturally.

Maybe I could come out and see it

tomorrow. Will you be home?

- Yes, but why not today?

- All right, I'll go and tell Betty that I'm going...

Oh, don't be silly.

We'll be back before you're missed.

- Jump in.

- Okay.

- Shouldn't take long, should it?

- Not long at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner

of the patchwork quilt...

annual competition,

Mrs Kettle.

First prize goes to Mrs Kettle.

Better known as Ma.

Well, hack me down.

You can send over that portable

billiard table anytime you're ready.

- Set of encyclopedias, don't forget.

- And encyclopedias.

- Ma, you won!

- Leapin' Lena, you went and entered that quilt I give ya.

- I told you you'd win.

- I can't understand it, with all them fine quilts.

- Yours was the best, that's all.

- Hmph!

Hello, how are you?

Oh, you don't look well.

I never felt better

in all my life.

Guess Birdie Hicks don't like me

takin' a prize away from her.

Here's your ribbon

and your cheque.

Which I will keep for you in full payment

on a brand new electric washing machine.

- Something you can't do without.

- No, you don't either. This is for Tom.

I just saw him.

Where... Just a minute.

Tom! Tom!

To... Oh.

Tom!

Tom!

Tom, what do you think?

Your mother's quilt won first prize.

- That's swell.

- Now you can go to college. Isn't that...

- Oh, I...

- Oh, my.

She's fainted! Somebody get a doctor.

There now, honey,

you feelin' better?

I sent Tom

to look for Bob.

Oh, I can't imagine

what happened to me.

I've never fainted

before in my life.

You better stop in at Doc Wilson's

on the way back to town.

- What for?

- Honey, you sure...

you sure looked at

that schedule lately?

Huh?

Atta boy, that's a good fella.

Tonight's the night.

Oh, now don't you start!

What do you want?

Sport!

- Hello?

- May I come in?

Of course, please do.

You just surprised me.

I didn't hear

anybody drive up.

- Hope I'm not disturbing you.

- Oh, good heavens, no.

- I'm tickled to have someone around. Won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

My husband's been delayed,

and I hate being home alone.

- Won't you have some coffee? I was just going to.

- That would be lovely.

I don't seem to remember

seeing you anywhere.

No, we don't seem to get around

as much as we used to.

Albert and me keep pretty much

to ourselves these days.

Don't we, dear?

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, my.

I don't believe you've met

my husband yet, have you?

This is Albert.

He's so retiring.

Sometimes people

just don't notice him at all.

How do you do?

Oh, my, don't they

look delicious though!

Did you make them yourself?

- Does he want any, do you think?

- Oh, no, dear.

Albert never touches sweets.

Not good for his figure.

Albert and me used to have

a chicken farm too, a long time ago.

Didn't we, dear?

It was so nice.

Everything was so happy

until Charlotte came.

- You heard about Charlotte?

- No.

Didn't ya? She was

just a plain, ordinary...

little white leghorn

when she was hatched.

But as time went on, she got bigger

and bigger and bigger and bigger...

and bigger,

until she was this high.

Higher than a man.

That's when I begun

to notice she wasn't friendly.

She used to look at Albert and me

as if she could peck us right to pieces.

It made me nervous,

I can tell you.

Once when I was getting into bed, I

heard a scratching noise and I looked up.

There she was, staring

at me through the window.

The wickedest look

in her eye you ever saw.

Then one night, Albert and me

was sitting in the kitchen...

having a cup of coffee, just like we are now,

when I heard a noise on the porch.

Before we could take any notice of it,

there was a knock at the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh, there you are, Emily.

I thought I'd find you here.

Hello, Sheriff.

I've been expecting you.

You've been a bad girl again, Emily.

Come along, Albert.

It's time to go back now.

Thank you very much.

We've had a lovely visit.

You must drop in

and see us sometime.

She's a good soul.

- Hope she didn't disturb you too much, ma'am.

- Oh, no.

- I enjoyed every minute.

- Emily's harmless enough.

She walks out once in a while.

It's up to us to come and fetch her.

But it's never any trouble finding her.

She always comes to this place.

- She used to live here.

- Sh-She lived here?

Yes, she and her husband

used to raise chickens.

Made a very nice thing

out of it too.

Then one day Albert

ran off with another gal.

We've never seen

hide nor hair of him since then.

Drove poor Emily plumb loco.

Well, goodnight, ma'am.

Sleep tight.

Leaving me all alone.

Lunatics running all over the place...

with husbands you can't see

and chickens bigger than a man.

You can't do this to me,

Bob, you understand?

I won't put up with it another night!

No, I won't! Not another night!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm losing my mind too.

Oh, Bob!

- What is it?

- Got a message for you, ma'am.

Thanks,

there's no answer.

My goodness, you didn't sleep

in your bed again last night.

Your mother's going to raise the roof

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