The Ex Page #3

he was satisfied

with the president's budget,

even though it represented

a 6% decrease

from last year."

So...

You married Sofia Kowalski.

- You are one lucky man.

- Thanks.

- Do you love her, Tom?

- Oh, yeah.

Do you earn her love

every single day?

I believe I do, Chip.

That's all I need to hear.

So, listen, I want you to know

that I don't care

Whether you got this job

through family connections

or had to earn it

like the rest of us.

What's important is that you're here,

and that's awesome.

Okay, well, I'm just

excited to jump in.

Whatever you got for me,

just let me know.

Hang on there, killer. We're gonna

walk before we run, okay?

- Did you see "Karate Kid"?

- Yeah.

Miyagi. Macchio.

Okay?

And right now we're in the

"Wax on, wax off" period.

Advertising here.

Advertising never here.

She and my mom got in a heated argument

and my mom took her to the ground

and started hitting her,

while my dad stood

over top, laughing.

Man #2:
Did you later find out

that that wasn't true?

- Hearsay.

- Man #3:
Your honor, hearsay.

- Man #2:
Did you ever hear your sister say

- ( popping )

- that she hated your mother? .

- Man:
Constantly.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Are those snaps?

- Yeah.

- That's pretty cool.

- It's pretty stupid.

My dad won't let me

watch TV anymore.

- That's bullshit, dude.

- Yeah.

This is all I can do.

Want to trade?

- Just kidding.

- ( silence )

Like, that one was a dud.

It happens.

So during the school year

I live with my mom in New Jersey.

And I spend the summer

here with my dad.

But he's at work

all the time,

and all my friends

live back in Parsippany,

so it's pretty gay.

Hey, think fast.

I'm just messing with you.

- I'm Carol, by the way.

- Tom.

- Hey, Tom, can I give you some advice?

- Yeah.

Get out of here. Run.

Run as fast as you can.

Walk out that door

and don't look back.

I'm just kidding.

But not really.

This is gonna be awesome.

Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.

Watch your legs.

No brakes! Thank you.

How we doing, gang, huh?

Uh-oh. Either one

of you two guys seen--

- Is this your yogurt?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, because Bob had said

something about, like,

free snacks

in the kitchen.

Muffins.

Muffins are for everyone.

Yogurt's mine.

Everyone knows that.

Listen, my fault.

- You're new.

- I'll just go buy you another one.

No, no, I'm your mentor.

I should have told you.

I'll go hungry today.

That'll be my punishment.

No, no, please.

At least finish the rest of this.

No, you've already done about two-thirds

of that. Why don't you finish it off?

Okay, enjoy. It's peach.

My favorite.

I give you one week.

Sofia:

Who is that? Who is that?

Hi, Dad!

Dad, I pooped today.

What did you do?

Hey, please change

my diaper, Dad.

My dad loves Chip.

He's like the son he never had.

- What about me?

- It's completely different.

You're his son-in-law.

Chip's a great guy, babe.

He just--

I don't know. He seems a little

angry or something.

Well, maybe you'd be

a little angry too

if you'd lost

the use of your legs.

It's not that.

I don't know.

He just-- he's nice.

I just-- I think he might

have a dark side.

Tom, this is your

first week on the job.

I really hope you're

not picking a fight.

I'm not saying anything

bad about him.

Everybody has a dark side.

I have a dark side.

I'm very dangerous.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Come here.

- ( toilet flushes )

What's up?

- Who is that person?

- That's Wesley.

His dad doesn't let

him watch TV.

I don't see the wisdom

I don't see the wisdom

of selling directly

to consumers.

Do you remember we spoke about

Smith & Hawken, sir? 2,000% sales growth?

We've got

a three-pronged strategy--

web advertising,

product partnerships and print ads.

Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy.

You forgot about direct mailing.

Direct mailing

is not part of this strategy.

- Actually, it is.

- No, it's not.

It is, Chip. If you took the time

to read the report like I did,

pages 23 through 29,

direct mailing.

I specifically said,

"No junk mail."

Now "no junk mail" means

"no direct mailing."

Did my son say

you could do this?

This meeting is over.

Goodbye.

( sighs )

I'm really sorry.

I guess I shouldn't

have said that.

That report was for internal

distribution only.

That's what "for internal

distribution only" means.

Mr. Nordhaus' son asked us

not to tell his father

about the direct mailing.

Because in five years,

when direct mailing takes effect,

- Mr. Nordhaus'll be dead.

- I can still hear you.

- ( phone clicks )

- I guess we can kiss that account goodbye.

Bob, I'm really sorry.

I mean, moushiwake.

I'll write

a moushiwake, Bob.

Bob, if anybody should be

writing a moushiwake, it's me.

- Tom is my responsibility.

- Bob:
Chip, please.

He's the one

who screwed up.

Wollebin gets back

from Nepal tomorrow.

I don't want to tell him you blew

a major account on your second day.

I'm gonna say it was me.

Oh, no, no, I can't let you

take the rap for that.

- Let me do it.

- Absolutely not, Chipper.

It's my family.

I'll clean up the mess.

Well, thank you, Bob.

I appreciate that.

Let's go back to work.

Hey, Tom, it's probably

none of my business,

but I doubt I'd ever

let my father-in-law

take a bullet

for me like that.

- Chip, it is none of your business.

- Sofia.

We are the Tigers!

And we're not cocky.

But we'll run you over...

Both:

Like a Kawasaki.

Vroom-vroom!

- Hey, baby.

- Sofia, hey! Let me see the baby.

- This is him.

- Oh my gosh,

look what you've made!

Who's the father?

Have you found him?

Sofia, ready, okay!

Remember this?

Both:

Let me tell you what we are:

W-i-n-n-e-r!

That's it!

Second half, second half.

Let me tell you

what you are:

L-o-s-e-r!

- That's great.

- Chip:
And...

Riverside Tigers,

out of sight!

Riverside Tigers,

dyn-o-mite!

- I want to show you my--

- Hang on. Hang on.

- Explode.

- Explode!

- Explode!

- ( laughs )

Explode?

Come on, you remember

how strong Chips Ahoy is.

- Come on, I got you. Ready? Ha!

- Okay.

Explode!

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe he remembered

all the moves.

Oh, yeah,

he's a real champ.

I bet he had a huge crush

on you in high school, didn't he?

Well...

we did sort of

have sex once.

What?

I thought you said he was

paralyzed from the waist down.

Well, not completely.

So you just, like,

forgot to tell me about it?

It was a long time ago.

I didn't want you thinking

about that when you met the guy.

It's gross. I think you showed

really bad judgment.

- Why?

- Because, no offense to Chip...

but he's a dick.

You're not really jealous,

are you?

Don't you know I'm saving

my special cheer for you?

- You have a special cheer?

- Yeah.

Can I see it?

Show me upstairs.

- Hi.

- Hello, Wesley.

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm all right.

Got my Twizzler.

- You got it?

- Yeah, I got it.

So you spend any time at your

own house there, Wesley?

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