The Ex Page #5

I don't think making fun

of peoples' handicap is funny.

It was a joke.

Asleep in under

five minutes.

Daddy's got

the magic touch.

So what does Wesley get out

of this whole Pickle Whip thing?

I already got him

to sign a release.

He gets $1,000

if the ad airs.

What are you doing?

It's bag balm, Tom.

They use it for cow's udders.

"Rub on udders." Wow.

I don't know, sweetie.

It just feels like the whole thing's

a little exploitative

of Wesley.

Oh, I get it.

I think I see what's happening.

Somebody's a little jealous.

- What?

- Oh, come on.

You're used

to being the star,

And now I'm in

the limelight a little bit.

It's probably driving

you crazy. Admit it.

Admit it.

- Score a touchdown.

- Not gonna happen, Tom.

Use the bag balm.

Jack, good to see you again.

How are you?

Please meet Tom Reilly.

He's been helping me out on the campaign.

( Irish accent )

Reilly, is it?

Do you have Irish blood

in you by any chance?

( Irish accent )

Me father's father was an Irishman,

so I have a wee bit

of the leprechaun in me.

Are you making fun of me?

( normal voice )

No, I'm sorry. L-- l--

I thought that was

a fake accent.

- Why?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

That was unfortunate.

Jack, you're gonna love

the new campaign. Let's jump right in.

( gulps )

I mean,

is that something?

Is that incredible

or what?

When I saw that kid,

I said, "that's it."

We've all just said hello

to the new face of Pickle Whip.

- Well done, Chip.

- Thanks so much, Jack.

So sorry, but you're gonna

all have to excuse me.

Jack.

( whispers )

- Oh, certainly, of course.

- Great.

Chip:

And, Tom, do us a favor, please,

and present the market-

penetration strategy.

Market-penetration

strategy.

Something that's very important

to today's youth market...

Penetration.

Let's stick

with long-range,

Because that way we know

we're gonna maximize "p"--

Profit.

Isn't "p" price?

You're thinking

of uppercase.

This is a lowercase "p".

Write that down.

Here we go.

Next slide.

That's just "J" and "Q".

There they are.

Next slide.

Have you talked to Chris

about the penetration strategy?

- Chris?

- Chris Caldwell.

Woman:

Your director of market research.

Oh, "Chris" Chris.

"Chris" Chris. Yes.

I talked to him this morning.

He loves it.

Chris Caldwell

is a woman.

Yes.

Why did you say "he"?

It's a little joke we have.

Everybody calls Chris

a "he" because...

she looks like a man.

She had

a little mustache.

But it's gone.

She waxed it.

Tom, sorry I had

to duck out.

How'd the rest

of the meeting go?

How do you think it went?

You left me high and dry in there.

I'm sorry.

I had a medical emergency.

Yeah, right.

What kind of emergency?

Well, I don't really enjoy talking about it

in front of other people,

but if you must know, I sometimes

have a bladder control problem, okay?

It's very embarrassing, but it is one

of the things that you have to deal with

when you're paralyzed

from the waist down.

Really, Chip?!

Because my wife informs me

that you're not completely

paralyzed down there.

( beeps )

Carol:

Don't get your undies in a bunch.

You're not

gonna get fired.

Look, first of all,

word on the street

is that Jack Connor

is like a total alcoholic.

- He's not gonna remember he met you.

- I can't lose this job.

- I promised my wife.

- You can't drive yourself crazy

trying to please your wife.

You gotta relax.

- Yeah, I do.

- Right.

And the thing is, I don't give

a sh*t about tartar sauce.

Who cares about

tartar sauce, you know?

I mean, I don't want

to be one of those people

obsessing about things

that don't matter.

Yes!

When you get fired...

you're gonna be able

to start from scratch.

- You said I wasn't gonna get fired.

- Whatever.

Bob:
A toast!

You know, Tom,

to be honest,

for a long time,

Amelia and I have been wondering

how long it's gonna take you

to get your act together.

- Bob!

- Amelia, please!

It's taken you a while,

but you finally realized

who you are.

You're an ad man.

Tom Reilly.

Ad man.

Tom:

You look up to me now, buddy.

When you get a little bit older,

You're gonna realize

that your dad

has absolutely no idea

what he's doing.

I don't want

to go back out there.

I don't want to go back out there,

so how about you and me,

we're just gonna sit in here

until you crap your pants again.

Okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah, why?

I know starting a job

can be really stressful,

but you know you can

talk to me about it.

Chip said you blew up

at him today.

- What?

- He was worried about you.

He said you were

acting kind of hostile.

I'm acting hostile?

( soft rock playing )

( faint cheering )

( cheering intensifies )

Yeah!

( screams )

( Oliver crying

over monitor )

Jack Connor tore me

a new a**hole this morning.

What the hell

is the matter with you?

Bob, moushiwake, okay?

But Chip hung me out to dry.

Jack said that you made fun

of his mother for having a mustache!

That's not true.

I said Chris Caldwell had a mustache.

Chris Caldwell doesn't

have a mustache!

I thought Chris Caldwell was a man

because Chris is often a man's name.

Three creatives came

to me this morning

and said that you were

humiliating Chip about his disability.

- Chip is trying to sabotage me.

- Chip is trying to mentor you!

He came to me and said,

"How can I help him?"

Oh, don't you see?

That's part of his plan.

He's like a mind-game genius,

that guy.

You know, you may not

care that I put my job on the line

to get you hired, but you moved

your family 1,000 miles for this.

You've got to pull

yourself together.

We're just

washing our hands.

I just put him down for a nap.

I'm desperate for a little grownup talk.

- Did DePalma come back to you?

- Yeah, we got a court date.

No, no, no, the other file.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

It's crazy here.

- Can I call you later? .

- Sure.

Tom, wait up.

Sorry about that back there.

Tom, wait up.

Sorry about that back there.

- Rough times, huh?

- Yeah.

Hey, looks like someone could use

a good listener, buddy, huh?

I just don't think I fit

into this place, Manny.

- I've been there, man.

- You?

You are Sunburst.

What are you talking about?

You think so, huh?

The second I bought this little guy,

it made me feel a whole lot more hip.

- Want to try it on?

- No, no,

why don't you keep it?

Because that's yours.

It's not really a hipness thing.

I just...

I'm not getting along

with Chip at all

and that's really starting to mess up

my relationship with my wife.

Well, I think today's

your lucky day.

- I'm studying to be a marriage counselor.

- Really?

( all laughing )

Sofia, remember that the laughter

starts deep within

and then just comes

ro-ho-ho-ho-olling out.

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I really only laugh

when something

funny happens.

I've noticed that Oliver

isn't very happy.

- He never smiles.

- He smiles all the time.

He just isn't smiling right now.

Now you're not gonna

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