The Ex Page #6

like this, Sofia,

but you are

a very unhappy person,

and I don't think

it's good for Oliver.

You're not going to like this either,

Abby, but you're an idiot.

And your son Petey is a dipshit.

It's okay.

- ( Oliver crying )

- I know, sweetie. Here.

# It's professor polar bear,

it's professor polar bear #

- # It's professor polar bear. #

- ( horn honks )

Let's start by taking

a nice deep breath.

Just relax, okay?

( telephone ringing )

Mom!

Mom, answer the phone!

So sorry. Mom!

Answer the phone and don't

come down here. I'm having a session.

Many of the exercises I'm studying

are a little new age-y,

so I hope you guys'll

just trust me and roll with it.

- Sure.

- Sure, Manny.

Great.

Let's start by...

holding each

other's genitals.

- Okay, I'm leaving.

- What?!

- No, not holding, poking.

- You're not poking anything.

Baby, he's kidding.

Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kidding. Just want to lighten

the mood, that's all.

- Lightening the mood. Come on.

- That's all it is.

Okay, you know what?

Don't sit down. I've got an exercise.

This is called

"I'm upset that..."

It's a great way to get to the root

of hurt feelings.

You'll each complete the sentence,

"I'm upset that..."

and then tap each other

with the bat, okay?

Sofia, you go first.

I'm upset that you bought

that mountain bike.

Now tap him.

Boom.

Good. Tom.

I'm upset that...

we haven't had sex

in a long time.

I'm upset that you didn't get the chance

to have an 8-lb. Baby

shoot out of your vagina.

Maybe then you'd understand.

Good.

That's great.

I'm upset that

you banged Chip!

- You banged Chip?

- No.

- Yes.

- I'm upset that you told him I banged Chip.

Ow!

You're not supposed

to hit people in the face.

I'm upset that you talked me

into coming here!

Don't hit me anymore please.

- Please don't hit me anymore.

- ( whip cracks )

No, that was helpful.

Look what I grabbed

on the way out.

I love you so much.

- I love you too.

- But are you happy?

You can tell me.

- L--

- ( cell phone rings )

Wait, that might

be the babysitter.

Hello.

So I'm looking through

the 1989 "Tiger's Paw"

and I see a picture of a very

pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.

Yeah, you know what? I can't really talk

right now. Can I call you back later?

"Chipwich,

thanks for making the last

four years so awesome.

2 cool 2B 4-gotten."

Boy, those words have gotten me

through some pretty tough times.

( slow electronica

playing on laptop )

I got you.

Got you now, you freak.

Oh my God.

Tom-- Tom is a man with vision,

and I want him in that meeting.

Take this down to video tech

first thing in the morning.

- Yes.

- I want them to put the tag on it

- and then make dubs.

- Dubs.

Okay, all right.

( Bob mimicking whale call )

Careful.

( horn honks )

Hey, hey, buddy!

Just the man

I wanted to see!

We're going to do that cool

hamburger trick again, buddy.

- I can't.

- What are you talking about? Sure you can.

- I don't eat meat anymore.

- What?

I saw this show yesterday

about how they made meat.

It's all about killing animals.

- You became a vegetarian yesterday?

- Yeah. So what?

All right, cool, whatever.

We'll get you a veggie burger.

- Nah.

- Wesley, you'll get to be famous.

Like Harry Potter

or Urkel.

Tom, it's not gonna happen.

End of discussion.

- Don't be an idiot, Wesley. Give it to me.

- It's mine!

Now you'll get it back

when you eat a hamburger.

- Hey, come here!

- Help!

Wesley.

Wesley!

Wesley, I'm not

done talking to you!

Can I help you?

Tom:
Hey...

I just moved in next door.

Nice to meet you.

Just talking to Wesley. He's great.

- Sofia:
Tom.

- Yeah.

Were you just yelling

at Wesley?

I need you to talk to that kid.

His priorities are out of line.

- What are you talking about?

- I accidentally taped over

the video of Wesley. We got

to get him to eat another burger.

Honey, if he doesn't want to

do it, find somebody else.

Sure, honey. I'll just get

one of the other kids on the block

who can swallow

a hamburger in one bite.

I'm sure there's not

a gag reflex on the block.

Okay, you gotta calm down.

You're acting crazy.

- I'm acting crazy? That little twerp--

- ( knock on door )

Could you get that?

Hi.

I believe your husband

has my son's

skateboard.

And now they're gonna

make me out to be the bad guy.

Nbelievable.

Fireman:
Let's open up

some windows over there.

Tom, you are not

going to believe this.

Bob left the Wesley tape

on his desk and we lost it.

Ah-ah! No shoes

on the prayer mat.

We found the culprit.

Somebody left the bulb

touching a stack of paper.

Don:

Damn it!

Jesus Christ, Bob.

- It was just an accident.

- No, no, no, no.

It's been a series

of mistakes, Tom.

Earlier this week,

he cost us a major account.

Could have been

the next Smith & Hawken.

Don, I can fix this.

I can fix it. All I got to do

is get Wesley on tape again.

Trust me. I can fix it.

Go for help now. Go!

Tom:
I'm not gonna

hurt you, Wesley.

I just want

to talk to you.

Look what I got.

$1,000 from my very

own bank account, huh?

For you!

What do you say?

My lawyer said I can't

talk to you, dude.

- Your lawyer?

- Hey, get away from the kids!

- Get away from the kids!

- I'm just talking to him!

- Get away from the kids!

- ( screaming )

- Wesley:
Come on, pick 'em up!

- Tom:
What, are you crazy?!

I know.

I can't believe it either.

I will.

Wait, Mom. Tom just got home.

Let me call you right back.

My dad got fired.

What?

( sighs )

I told him to wait.

I was going to fix everything.

He got blamed

for some kind of fire.

Oh my God.

It's not about that.

You see, the Wesley video

got destroyed in the fire, so--

The Wesley video?

What?

You told me you taped over

the Wesley video.

I know, and what I'm trying

to explain to you

is that

it wasn't one thing.

But Wollebin knows that the tape thing

wasn't my dad's fault, right?

Sofia, it's a very

complicated situation.

Did you tell him or not?

Yes or no?

- It wouldn't have made a difference!

- I don't believe you.

You know what, Sofia?

If you'd helped me get Wesley to redo

the video instead of taking his side,

- none of this would have happened.

- Are you insane?

Your dad was gonna

get fired anyway!

Do you want me to volunteer

to get fired too? I tried to fix it.

It didn't work.

I'm sorry.

I'm doing all of this

for you, Sofia.

Everything.

You have it so easy.

You get to hang out

with Oliver all day

You think I like

what I'm doing?

You think I like

that stupid job? I hate it!

I am completely miserable!

- Sofia.

- I'm going to my parents'.

Call me when

you calm down.

Sweet ride, Tom. And I thought

this thing was a poon magnet.

What the hell are

you doing here, Chip?

I was just

in the neighborhood.

Did I see Sofia leaving

with a suitcase?

- Don't worry about it.

- Is it work, Tom?

'Cause I have heard that you've blown

your way through quite a few jobs,

and the one thing about women

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