The Extendables Page #5

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I'm on a set with a psycho!

Hello?

You voiceless,

lawless, neutered coward.

Take that, you stupid rock!

Ah!

Take that you stupid sh*t.

Hey, VD!

I've spoken to special effects,

we're going to fly you.

I like the idea, it

will uh, give extra...

Now you like the idea?

Visual interest to...

You will be very happy that

you have flown the great VD.

Sir Jeffrey!

Hey, let's run lines.

Leave us alone,

we are rehearsing!

What he's doing?

Okay, uh, you

have the first line.

The crystals are mine.

The crystals are for the people.

The people

are ignorant peasants.

They'll just piss away their

money on tithes and beer.

I represent the people's beer.

Are you

really going to say that?

I wrote that,

I think it's funny.

There's beer on Mars?

There is now.

Why are you

doing that with your voice?

I heard that when

a director does that

it makes his voice

low and gravelly.

Yes, but

naturally your voice has

so much more color in it.

My voice has color?

In real

life, you're so animated.

But when you act, you stick

your voice down in one note.

I do?

Yes.

Why would you do that?

Because it sounds cool.

Yes, for a minute.

But you know, when you go

to a concert, don't you want

to hear all the instruments,

not just the tuba?

A tube of what?

Toothpaste?

Come on you know

it's like, big brass horn?

Got a big bell on it?

Oh, the tuba!

Bom bom bom bom bom bom.

I lick the tuba!

Oops.

I said lick, so

I have to, sorry.

Ha hahaha!

Do chicks dig that?

They go crazy.

Boy, you've had

some breaks, haven't you?

A little luck has

hit me on the head.

Among other things.

Is it true that you went down on

all those chicks in front of

everyone at your birthday?

Of course.

Aren't you afraid

of contracting something?

Hmm-mm.

I never get sick.

Life, is the disease,

and I am the cure!

Is your microphone on?

Disconnect the cable,

I once knew a sound guy

who played me a tape

once of crews, you know,

going at it in his trailer.

You know what he says

when he's cumming?

What?

Awwww!

No mommy, no!

That's f***ed up!

Quite.

You must now swear to

me that you will never

tell a single soul what

I'm about to tell you,

or I will hunt you

down and kill you.

You have my

solemn word as a gentleman.

Okay.

I will now tell you

something about the great VD.

No one fucks the great VD.

You give me one pile of sh*t

I will give you

100 piles of sh*t.

Burton, he told me that we

were making a 10,000,000 Euro

movie, he gives me

5,000,000 Euro, right?

What does he spend on

this set, like 10 Euro?

This set will look like

sh*t, I will look like sh*t.

I don't want them to

release this movie.

Burton is out there

right now eating his sh*t

and I am salting it.

As long as I do what

I am doing, I am free

to leave here at

midnight tonight.

Pretty brilliant, huh?

But no one will ever

want to work with you again.

Oh, bullshit, I got a

three-picture deal waiting,

I could do a television series.

Really?

Oh, my aching vagina!

What's the matter?

Can I tell you

a secret that if you tell

anyone else I get to kill you?

You have my word as a gentleman.

Your film is the

only job I've been offered

in the last two years.

This job saved my house.

What?!

That is bullshit,

fire your agent!

You are the best actor!

VD, there

are a million good actors,

but very few stars.

You are a star.

I am just an actor.

Ha ha no, you are a star.

A minor twinkler, perhaps.

Only a few stars rise.

And you have got yours

a long way up there.

Yeah my star did

go up a little ways.

Yours could, too!

You know how

when you meet some people,

you just want to

rush up and hug them?

There's something

about them you just

want to hold close to you?

And then there are other

people who give you the creeps.

Okay.

You have this

boyish quality about you.

It's adorable.

I am one of those people

who give others the creeps.

No!

Who's playing

the villain in the movie, hmm?

Who?

You.

Was that an accident?

No.

And it's okay.

Do I look sad?

It's been a great

living, most of the time.

Do you want to get out of here?

Do you want to get out

of this stinking set?

I want to go home.

I want to hold my children.

Then the great VD

will fire you, too.

Let's do it on the set

with more people around.

Maria wanted an audience.

She wanted you to fire her?

Yes she has to leave tomorrow

and wanted to go shopping.

Really?

Yes.

She's going to buy me a present!

VD, that was great acting!

Really?

Well, thank you Sir Jeffrey.

Think of some really

horrible things to say

about me, it will

be all the more fun.

- I

- think I could muster

a few things for the occasion.

I finally get to do some acting.

Yes, yes a performance

is in order!

It's going to be fun, yes?

Yes!

Good!

VD, what a brilliant surprise.

It's been fun working with you.

Well not everyone

has said that about me.

Thank you.

You see, I want to hug you.

I told you he

hits for other team.

Baseball?

See you on the set, Sir Jeffrey.

You know what your problem is?

No one says no to you anymore.

When was the last time

anyone said no to you?

When was the last time

you said no to yourself?

What are you talking about?

What is a

man if his chief good and

market of his time

be to sleep and feed.

A beast no more.

The best part of you

is not being fed.

Why not?

Because you've

locked it away from yourself

and from everyone else with

bars of coke and drugs.

It's not bars, it's lines.

Whatever!

It's drugs.

It's killing your discipline.

And you being a star, it's

killing the discipline

of everyone around you.

You have too much power.

And everyone is afraid

of losing favor with you,

or you're going to use

your power against them.

Everyone is afraid

to say no to you, but

all they have to

do is just say no.

You want to say no to me?

Yes, everyone

should say no to you.

Because you are an addict,

and you belong in rehab.

You say no to me?

Yes, I say no to you.

You want to say no to me?

Yes.

You say no?

Yes.

No or yes?

I say no to

you, and everyone else

should say no to you as well!

You want to say

no to the great VD.

Ha ha, well, man of flowery

words, then you are stupid.

Because no one says no to

the great VD, especially

when VD is the director!

So I fire you!

Get off my set!

You think having to leave your

little playground here,

your sandbox, is punishment?

Hey, don't let the door hit your

flowery dick on the way out.

You're not a hero, VD.

You're a movie star.

An icon.

That is not as

substantial or deep as the

film your image is recorded on.

A vapid photon, glittering

for an ignorant audience.

I pity, really pity your fans.

I wish they knew what an

appalling effort it takes

to get your facade ready

to be photographed.

A photograph of a

facade that moves.

That is how I

shall remember you.

You cannot hear my no,

but you will hear the no

that life delivers you.

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