The Family Fang Page #4

I haven't heard from them

in years,

and when we realized

that you'd both be home...

Needless to say,

they were very excited.

- We're doing a piece?

- Annie, Annie, put this on.

- Oh.

- What did I tell you?

What is this?

It's a shirt, honey.

And you need to wear it,

or the event won't work.

All you have to do is hand out

these fake coupons, huh?

- Yeah.

- For chicken sandwiches.

And when we're doing that,

Baxter will film all the people

at the counter

demanding free food.

Then I rally

the angry customers,

I get them to storm

the counters.

It'll be a thing of beauty.

I don't think

this is a good idea.

- It's not a good idea.

- No.

What are you talking about?

It's going to be fun,

like old times.

You're going

to be brilliant.

Yeah, what about when

they recognize Annie?

We brought a disguise.

Annie's going to wear

a disguise?

- That's a good one. I can't.

- That stinks, Mom.

- Baxter.

- Yeah?

- Stay out of this.

- Okay.

If the tabloids

get a hold of this,

it will be terrible for me.

- Exactly right.

Who cares? You shouldn't be

in that business anyway.

- What?

- Please don't say that.

Well, you've been at it

for 20 years.

What have you got

to show for it?

A bunch of crap movies

and a tampon commercial.

- Caleb, be nice.

- Oh, my God, Dad.

- Was it not a tampon campaign?

- It was.

Absorb all the good things in

life and leave the rest to us.

- Okay, come on.

- That's a terrible tag line.

- Just trying to make a living.

- I'm giving you an opportunity

- to be artists again.

- Okay, we've been over this.

A and B are still artists.

Please don't call us

A and B, Mom.

"Please don't

call us artists," you mean.

- Caleb!

- I'm sorry, your popcorn flicks

and Baxter's emo crap fiction

is not art.

It's garbage.

What is wrong with him?

Dad?

Caleb, can I just say

you forget, I've seen

the reviews of the masterpieces

you and Mom have been

churning out.

- Don't, don't, don't, don't.

- No, this...

He needs to hear this.

- No, no. Annie, drop it.

- All right? Let's talk about

the water balloon thing. Huh?

- Yeah.

- Let's talk about

the disastrous

wife-abusive piece.

What about the epileptic

and the...

- Oh, my God. The epileptic

in the antique shop.

- That was distasteful, Mom.

- Okay, all right, we get it.

We get it, the pieces

aren't the same without you.

- We know that.

- They're not.

- Oh, no, they're not.

- No.

- That's why we're doing this.

- Shove it!

Shove it up your ass!

We don't need you.

Your mother and I,

we'll do it ourselves.

We've done it that way

for years.

We're trying to be nice.

Thought you might want

to feel part of it again.

But to hell with you both.

Baxter, could you at least

work the camera?

But you still want me

to film it?

- Yes, of course.

- Yeah, grudgingly.

Yeah, you're damn right

it's going to be grudgingly.

- Yeah. Go ahead.

- No.

Even though it's all

been shoved up my ass.

No...

This is horrible.

It's really tough to watch.

I mean, I knew he didn't

like my movies,

but I had no idea

that he hated them.

What he hates is that

he needs us.

Without us,

their work sucks.

That's what he hates.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Oh, it's fine.

- Would you like me to sign...

- Baxter?

Suzanne. Suzanne Crosby?

- Oh, yeah. You left a message.

How's it going?

We went to high school

together.

- Yeah. It's okay

if you don't remember me.

No, I do, I do,

now that I'm looking at you.

- Your hair used to be...

- Oh, God, yeah.

And you had a bunch

of piercings, am I right?

- Yeah, yeah.

I still do have a couple.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hope this isn't

too weird.

You know, I just... I saw you,

happened to be here.

So I just thought

I'd say hello.

She's got a writing class

she wants me to come to.

Well, you heard.

This is my sister, Annie.

- Hi. I don't mean

to be pushy.

- You're not.

- I just think the students

would love

to hear you speak,

you being from the area and

making such a name for yourself.

Oh, I don't know

about that.

- Oh, come on.

- Yeah.

- Say yes.

- Yeah!

- Say yes.

- I'm thinking about it.

- Let me...

- Come on.

Well, you know, no pressure.

I'm easy, so just...

you have the information.

Yeah, I'll get a hold

of you.

I'll...

it was good to see you.

- Okay. Thanks.

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you too.

- Bye.

She's adorable.

Yeah.

Oh, look alive.

They hooked one.

[inaudible]

That poor cashier.

She doesn't get paid enough

to handle this.

Oh, sh*t.

He's giving it to him.

- What is that?

She's giving him a sandwich.

- She thinks it's real?

- I don't know.

She thinks it's real.

Okay, see what happens.

She gave it to them.

What the hell?

What the hell is going on here?

You can't rely on anybody

these days to make a proper

piece of art.

Give me one of those.

Hello.

Hi.

- I'd like one free sandwich,

please.

Sure thing.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

Wait, don't I need a coupon?

Okay.

Now, I got this from

some shady-looking characters

over by the Orange Julius.

It doesn't seem

on the up and up.

- [chuckles]

No, it's good.

I think that's fake.

I don't think so.

It is, though.

I want you to look at it

for two seconds;

you tell me if that's real.

Do you want the sandwich

or not?

Let me talk

to your manager.

Sure.

Charlie, can you come

over here for a second?

- Hi. What can I do

for you?

Is the manager

not at work today?

- Oh, no, he is.

You got him.

That coupon is fake.

- Oh.

No, it's fine, sir.

Have you looked at it?

- I did. It's official.

It's not official.

It does not look

to be official to me.

That's a fake.

And you've handed out

all these free sandwiches

for counterfeit coupons?

You're a fool,

and your people are fools.

Sir, please just

take your free sandwich

and step out of line.

I wouldn't eat that sh*t

sandwich if you paid me.

Okay, sir,

I will call the police.

You have the tiniest

responsibility.

You just have to do your job.

I do the rest.

All you have to do

is let that thing happen.

What is wrong with people

these days?

I do the work,

you get to witness the beauty.

That's all you had to...

stop that!

You don't record me.

I record you.

This is supposed to be art.

Not some YouTube video.

Honey, let's just leave.

Didn't I say

this would happen?

You thought they'd solve

everything.

They've only made things worse.

- You did this. Hey!

Hey!

You! You did this!

Okay, honey, let's go.

[dramatic music]

I think they're losing it.

Their artistic sensibility?

- No, their minds. They're...

- Yeah.

I mean, he's always had

an odd idea

of what constituted art.

But come on,

that was almost silly.

Did he really think he could

lead a coup on a Chicken Queen?

I don't know.

[sighs]

Maybe we should have

helped them.

- Help them?

- Yeah.

No, Annie, come on.

Absolutely not.

They're struggling.

We all are.

Well, it's not the same,

though.

Besides, helping them

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