The Feels Page #4

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and I looked like an a**hole

in front of everybody.

I understand.

I just thought... I was

just trying to protect Lu.

I gotta get some water.

[sniffles]

[Josh]

You okay?

I'm okay.

[sobs]

What's wrong?

I just... I feel bad.

I feel like I f***ed up.

[sighs]

It's okay, it's all right.

- I'm sorry.

- No, don't worry about it.

I'm sorry

if I was mean just now.

- I don't care that much.

- No, you weren't mean.

It's just

I'm getting a divorce,

and I'm just f***ing sensitive

about everything.

Sorry.

- It's all right.

- It's okay. It's okay.

You've still got

a wedding ring on.

Yeah.

Thanks. No.

I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

It's not supposed

to be like this.

I know a lot of people

who have been divorced.

Yeah?

[laughing]

It's a very common thing.

It's a pretty common thing,

yeah.

Even since I was a kid,

I've had a lot of friends

who've gotten divorced.

Feels really different

when it's you.

This doesn't feel like...

some statistic.

It feels like...

Feels like my life is over.

I know that sounds

really dramatic.

Obviously, it's not.

Your kids are gonna

get real messed up,

but they'll probably be

really independent.

[laughing]

Yeah, thanks.

How many do you have?

- Two.

- Oh, yeah.

They're gonna get

real messed up real good.

[laughs]

You're a nice person.

- I'm all right.

- [laughs]

Uh...

I, um...

No, it's okay.

I just... I...

- You wanna stop?

- No, I just, uh...

I breastfed two kids, so...

I don't care about that.

I don't care.

I like a woman.

I don't like a little girl,

all right?

- I like a woman.

- You like a big woman?

Yeah, I want a woman.

You feel okay?

- Ouch.

- [laughs]

Yeah, I think I just

need some water.

[gibberish]

I have to go help.

Okay, go help.

In the kitchen.

Cook, so...

I'm excited for the day.

[sighs]

Hey.

Uh, coffee?

Yeah, sure, thanks.

Aren't you married?

It's not the most comfortable

thing to talk about

'cause she's my sister and...

you know.

So...

I guess I was like 11,

and we went to my aunt's house

to go swimming.

She had this communal pool

at her place,

so it was like Lu and me

and our cousin Tanya.

And that day

there was this older girl.

She was probably like

13 or 14,

and she had braces

and this, like, huge cold sore

that was super crusty,

and it kind of like

sloughed off

over the course of the day

in the pool.

Anyway, so we were

in the hot tub,

and I was like

leaning over the edge,

and the jet hit me

at just the right angle,

and then I was like, "Oh!"

Two seconds later,

you know, it happened!

I blurted out

in front of everyone.

"You guys,

the jet just hit my vagina,

and it felt really good!"

And this older girl,

the cold sore girl,

she started laughing at me,

and no one had ever

laughed at me like that before.

And I just froze,

and I was f***ing terrified

of the hot tub.

I didn't step foot in it

for the rest of the summer.

I think it's important

to mention

we were not taught

the word "vagina."

I definitely didn't

say it that day.

We were told

it was called a "missy."

And I definitely knew

the word "penis."

So I don't know why my family,

like, you know,

taught us male anatomy

but not female.

Well, I guess I could guess,

right?

It's so... What the f***?

Missy?

That's so f***ed up.

Hi.

How are you?

Hungover. How are you?

Yeah, I guess

I'm a little hungover.

You have like

a Molly hangover.

Nikki f***ed Josh.

- Lu's sister?

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's her name, right?

Nikki, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Why does he always do this?

Doesn't he know

that she's married?

She just told me

that she's getting a divorce.

A divorce.

Well, I asked,

"You're married, right?"

And she just... Yeah.

She's just so selfish.

I mean, this was supposed to be

nice for us, this weekend.

Now I gotta tell Lu?

Do you?

Yes, I do.

I believe in telling her

everything.

It's that Josh always

has to f*** everything,

I guess including

my sister-in-law.

Not me though. Sorry.

Oh, honey.

Are you really feeling bad

about yourself

because he didn't want

to have sex with you?

No, I'm not.

Kind of.

Okay. Gone, gone, gone.

[phone chimes]

My grandma had all these

romance novels in her house,

but they were

my aunt's romance novels.

But she was like always

in and out of rehab.

So my grandma had all these

romance novels in her house,

and I was spending the summer

with her, after my mom died.

And like she would go to work,

and I had all these books

around the house,

and then I started reading.

She was like,

"Don't go in your aunt's room!"

I was curious.

What's in my aunt's room?

She had this huge library of

books and ashtrays everywhere.

But I found this book and said,

"This is a cool cover."

I just remember reading

about this man,

and he had like this

throbbing thing in his jeans.

And I was like,

"What about my throb spot?"

'Cause I started feeling weird

in my pants.

It was crazy.

Then I started touching

where my zipper was,

and I was like,

"How come I don't have that?

What's going on?"

Then I put my hand

a little lower,

and there was something there.

I was like,

"That's my throbber.

How do I get it to grow?"

So I was just addicted

to these books

when my grandma was at work.

And then I remember one day

reading this and going,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

Like really feeling

my throb spot,

and just went to town all

afternoon in my grandma's bed.

We had to share it

at the time.

Looking back, I feel like

I disrespected my grandma.

But that year at school,

we had health,

and we learned about

puberty and stuff,

and the lady was like,

"And then an orgasm happens."

And then I rose my hand like,

"Oh, I know what those are."

And ever since then,

I've been really touching myself

at anything that turns me on.

I saw this lady

wash her dog once,

and her tits moved when she

was scrubbing the undercarriage.

All I could think about was

being in that dog's skin

and like having this woman's

tits graze across my back.

So yeah,

I could come to anything.

- Oh, God.

- Well, there she is.

Good morning, guys.

Hi.

Mmm! You smell so good.

[whispering]

- Hey, Andi, good morning.

- Hey.

How are you this morning?

Good. How are you feeling?

Good, yeah.

Would you just please

keep it in your pants, okay?

Just for one f***ing weekend.

[phone chimes]

What?

Hope you guys like

mini quiches.

I hope you guys

like mini quiches

All right, brunch time!

Oh, my God, I need food

so bad right now.

What was that all about?

Just stupid.

Just Josh being Josh.

[giggling]

You guys eat fruit weird.

- Hey.

- Hey.

[laughing]

Oh, my God, what if you guys

kiss right now?

What? It looked like you guys

were gonna kiss.

Can you guys

just cut it out, please?

Grow up, be a little mature.

This is a bachelorette party.

No. Yeah, grow up.

- You wanna open some presents?

- Yeah, let's open presents.

Mine's gonna suck,

so just don't get too excited.

Come on!

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