The First Turn-On Page #7

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Oh, my, oh my,oh my, I think we

have a definite problem here.

Are you sure this was

your homework assignment?

Of course, I'm sure.

What do you think?

Oh, no, the nurse has a boo boo.

And you know what else, nurse?

The doctor has a boo boo too.

Where?

Here.

Kiss it and make

it better, please.

OK, the nurse will now

kiss the doctor's boo boo.

The nurse that kisses his

boo boo to make it better

is going to cost $25.

Do you have Blue

Cross or Blue Shield.

Hi mom and dad!

Is everything

all right, Dwayne?

MICHELLE FARMER:

(VOICEOVER):
Mom and dad

were crazy about

Dewayne and invited him

over once a week for dinner.

He and dad saw

eye-to-eye on everything.

Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you

registered for the draft yet?

No, have you?

Why son, years

ago I did my duty.

You did your duty?

Well, why don't you flush it?

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Besides, I don't

think they should

waste the cream of American

youth such as myself.

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Ah, very sensible.

Do you like meat, Dwayne?

I love meat, Mrs. Richards.

Right, Michelle?

[gluttonous sounds]

Mmm.

Lucy, isn't it wonderful that

a fine, upstanding young man

like Dwayne has

taken an interest

in our little Michelle?

Oh, Desi, we're so lucky.

A special

announcement, everybody.

Dwayne is taking me to the prom!

Darling.

That's marvellous.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you, daddy.

Dwayne, you better take

care of my little girl.

Oh, I'll take care of

her, Mr. Richards, sir.

Right, Michelle?

MICHELLE FARMER:

(VOICEOVER):
It was

right then and there that

I felt the first stirrings

of youthful passion.

And I knew it wouldn't be long

before the earth moved for me.

I decided that Dewayne

would be my first.

Then came the night

of the junior prom.

Dwayne was so romantic.

Afterwards, he

took me to a disco.

See that was a

great prom, Dwayne.

Don't eat that.

Yeah, I'm sorry I threw up

in your punch though Michelle.

You did?

I get it.

You want to dance.

[music playing]

Danny!

MICHELLE FARMER:

(VOICEOVER):
Just when

I thought Dwayne was about to

make the earth move for me,

she appeared.

[music playing]

I was crushed.

I couldn't imagine

what he saw in her.

Hey!

Hey!

Dwayne!

What about me?

[crash]

MICHELLE FARMER:

(VOICEOVER):
I never

felt so lonely in all my life.

Then I saw him across

the crowded room.

And I knew there could

be life after Dwayne.

[music playing]

I felt like I was

floating on a cloud.

I knew in a flash that he

was twice the man Dwyane was.

He grabbed me and kissed me.

I felt like a bow of

quivering jello in his arms.

He came close to me and

whispered something in my ears.

Let's go.

Oh!

Whoa!

MICHELLE FARMER:

(VOICEOVER):
I guess

I must have misunderstood.

I thought he said balling.

What he really said

was, "Let's go bowling."

Oh!

So we went bowling.

He picked just the right spot.

Oh, it wasn't exactly

lover's lane, but for $0.75,

shoes included,

what do you expect?

Well how do you

like the date so far?

MICHELLE FARMER (VOICEOVER)

:By the end of the evening,

I could see that the only

thing he had on his mind

was scoring up my alley.

The date was a strength

for him got a call for me.

Well, the earth

didn't move for me,

but I suppose it

could've been worse.

Yeah, you could have got

your twat twizzled by Dwayne.

Stinky, you're now a member

of our traditional circle jerk.

Congratulations.

You know, guys,

I'm really touched

you let me take part in this.

It's really the

climax of my summer.

Ah, that's OK, Stink.

We feel you have

what it takes to take

part in our sacred event.

This is a very select group

you're entering, Stinky.

You're a member of that.

And here are the rules.

All lights must be turned off.

The first person to

reach climatic finality

is the honorary chairman of

the Eagles for next summer.

Stop joking and start stroking.

How you doing Stinky?

STINKY:
I'm doing OK.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah, ah ah ah!

I'm first!

I'm first.

I'm champion.

It's so cute.

What wrist action.

I always knew you could

handle yourself in a crowd.

[jeers]

Look!

The lantern is flickering.

There must be a breeze.

It's a passage.

They must have

begun to dig us out!

Yes!

We're in here!

Oh, I believe I was incorrect

in my original analysis.

-What?

-What?

What?

What?

Well, the fact that the

lantern is burning at a clearly

diminished level

indicates that there

is no longer sufficient

oxygen to support burning.

-What?-What?

What?

I have a headache.

Yes, Annie, your

headache is clear

indication that the car

bondioxide level has reached

the point where breathing

becomes imperative

and asphyxiation sets in.

Asphyxiation?

You mean like suffocating?

You mean there's no

more oxygen to breath?

Calm down.

Calm down.

I'm sure that help

is on the way.

They are probably close

enough to hear us.

Help!

Help!

We're stuck in a cave.

Help!

Help!

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER): I do not

go down on French poodles.

I am sure.

Oh, are we on?

Oh.

Attention campers, meet

your parents like in front

of the grody mess hall, OK?

We drove all the way up here.

Hi!

Hi!

Mom, I won the circle jerk.

That's my boy, ho, ho, no!

Danny.

Where's my Danny?

Excuse me.

Have you seen my Danny?

Danny?

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER):

Attention parents,

go to the totally

tubular arts and crafts

show where like

children's exhibits

are on display, ha, whoa.

Now parents, look

at the subtlety

of these curving lines.

The smooth yet rugged

texture of the pieces

speaks eloquently of the

thrusting and parrying

techniques that your very

talented children have utilized

in order to put together these

beautiful, marvelous works

of art.

[music playing]

WOMAN:
Oh, my god, it's

bigger than yours, Harold.

Oh, no, the lantern went out.

Michelle is right.

We're running out of air.

Everybody down on the ground.

There's more air on the ground.

Down.

This is ridiculous.

Michelle, will you just

get down and breathe please?

Why?

Just get down and breathe!

All right.

I can't breathe.

I can't help it.

I can't help it.

We got to get out of here.

This can't happen.

We just got to get out of here.

I can't deal with this.

We got to get out of here!

Oh, sh*t, I'm 17.

I'm going to die.

And I've never been laid.

What?

Huh?

What?

What?

There was no hooker.

I made the whole thing up.

Sh*t, I don't even know

how to talk to a girl.

Me neither.

I mean, I've never

made it either.

There was no dream girl.

And there was no

man with a knife.

I made it up.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, I guess there was

no Barbara Billington.

Well, I mean there really

was a Barbara Billington.

But she was just a

waitress I had a crush

at the local Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, let's not

dwell on the past.

I mean, I've always believed

that if you live fully

in the moment and lived

by the laws of nature,

then if death comes to

take you before your time,

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