The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #5

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You guys take it all.

"Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, hell, no!

"I know he ain't talkin' 'bout me!

"Uh-Uh. I hear the bell!

I hear the bell!"

I made myself dizzy doing that.

So let me tell you guys.

If you ever get the opportunity

to travel to India,

I encourage you to check it out.

You are going to see

some beautiful things.

You are going to see

some amazing things.

You are going to see some sad,

depressing things

and some real horrible things.

Overall, it's a well-balanced trip.

But when you get back home

here to the United States,

you will have a whole different

appreciation for your life.

Believe that.

I guarantee this, you guys.

There's a lot of people in India,

and with a lot of people

comes a lot of traffic.

First things first.

American traffic and Indian traffic,

very different.

Here, whatever happens on the freeway

will stop the whole freeway.

In India, there's 10 times

the traffic, but it moves.

See, the problem is Americans,

we're fascinated by accidents.

We're fascinated by the idea

of seeing potential death.

That's why we slow

down on the freeways.

We say we don't want to see it,

but what happens in traffic?

You know...

"What's going on over there?"

There doesn't even

have to be a collision.

You could be on the 101 freeway

and a car has a tire

blowout, and it spins.

Doesn't hit anything.

It's now facing oncoming traffic.

You know what happens to

the rest of the freeway?

Even on the other freeway,

where there's no accident.

And again, "Why? What's going on?

What's going on?"

"I'm sorry. Hey, somebody might

be dead. Sorry. Oh."

In India, if there's an accident

in the middle of the street,

you know what they do?

They drive right around it.

They don't stop.

And it's not that they're not

sensitive to the situation.

They are. It's just that

there's so much chaos

that happens on a regular basis,

they just need to get to work.

They do see what's happening,

and, believe me,

they're heartfelt, you know.

They'll drive around, you know.

"I am so sorry for you."

Nothing stops the flow

of traffic in India.

They need to get from point A to

point B, and so they go. They go.

If there's an accident,

they drive around.

If there's something

blocking the street,

they get on the

sidewalk to go around.

It's amazing, the way they drive.

And here's something else.

No one uses turn signals over there.

No one uses turn signals.

They use a horn.

Now, if you go to India tomorrow,

from the time you get there

to the time you leave,

you're constantly

going to hear a horn.

It's an actual language

when people are driving.

I'll show you. You're driving.

Car on your right. Car on

your left. Light up ahead.

They talk to each other

while they're driving,

and they barely miss each

other every single time.

Also, you'll be on the

101 freeway here,

and there'll be six lanes.

In India, you'll see six lanes,

but guess what?

You'll see 12 cars across.

Yes, they have lines, but they're

basically there to let you know

more or less the direction

you might want to go in.

They're this close to each other,

and even at the light,

they communicate.

You see everything,

cars, trucks, vans,

motorcycles, pedestrians,

cows, children,

all waiting for the light.

And they talk at the

light with the horn.

"Very good. You can go. You can go."

"Welcome. You're welcome. Go, go."

Nothing stops the flow

of traffic over there.

Indian people drive... Think of ants.

You know how ants travel

in a straight line,

and if there's something in the way,

like a rock, ants will split up,

go around the rock, and reunite,

or climb over the rock.

Worst-case scenario, they dig

a hole and go under the rock.

That's the mentality

of driving in India.

A man can get shot in

the middle of the street.

People just look at each other.

"Somebody pick him up."

And they'll drag his

ass onto the sidewalk,

and if there's an accident

and they need to get around,

guess what's going to happen

to that guy on the sidewalk.

Nothing stops the flow

of traffic in India,

except a cow.

Now, I know we've always heard

the stories and the jokes about,

"Oh, Indian people

don't eat hamburgers."

I asked the question,

and I found out.

It's believed that cows

are people who have died,

and they've been reincarnated,

and their new life is now the cow,

which is why they don't eat them

and why they give 'em all the love

and respect in the world over there.

I saw this firsthand.

There's a cow crossing the

street while we're driving.

And the cows know. They're cocky.

They know that they can cross.

Frigging... All the cars...

And the cow's out there all cocky.

No one honks at the cows.

No one yells at the cows.

No one touches the cows.

They wait for the cows

to finish crossing.

The cow that we had laid down.

The driver just shut off the car.

Started tweeting.

"There is a cow

"in the middle of the street.

"#moomoo."

I asked the driver,

"What's going on?"

"Sir, there is a cow."

"I see that there's a cow.

"Are you going to honk at it, go around?

What's going to happen?"

"We cannot...

We cannot honk at the cow.

"We must wait for the cow to move."

"You're kidding."

"I am not kidding.

We must wait for the cow,"

"We drove past a dead

body 15 minutes ago."

"That is probably him."

Like, seriously, the driving

situation over there

is so intense, you guys.

One morning, one morning

while we're there,

I needed to get to the airport fast,

because I overslept,

and so I get in the cab,

and I hand the driver a $50 bill,

and I go, "Sir,

I am running very late.

"I need to get to the

airport as soon as possible.

"Whatever side street

you have to take

"or back road, I'm all for it.

"Whatever you have

to do, let's do it."

And I hand him the money,

and he goes,

"Very good. Let'sgo,"

and we take off.

The guy is hitting anywhere from

50 to 70 miles an hour on the street.

We are making incredible time.

I notice that we're heading in

the direction of a red light.

Have you ever been

in a car with someone,

and you're paying attention

to what's going on,

and you notice that you're

about to hit a red light?

And you know how you start

to mentally and physically

prepare yourself for the

deceleration of the car

and you start anticipating

the pressure from the brake?

And if you don't get the sensation

of slowing down by a certain point,

all alarms go off in your head,

and you sock the driver in the chest.

"Hey!"

Not only did I not get the sensation

of slowing down, I got the opposite.

He gunned it towards the light,

and it caught me off-guard.

I couldn't even scream. I was like...

And then... And then I got air.

"Hey! Pull over! Pull over!"

He didn't even know what he did.

He looks at me. He goes,

- "What is wrong?"

- "What do you mean, 'What is wrong?'

"Dude, didn't you see the red light?"

As calm as can be,

"Didn't you see there

was no one there?

"You told me, 'Whatever

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