The Fundamentals of Caring Page #5

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and it's totally fine.

It's just a fuse.

- Where's Dot?

- She's outside.

You ready?

Hey there, it's Janet.

Please leave a message.

Is this really necessary, huh?

To hire some goon to follow me

across the country?

It's bullshit, Janet. On a stick.

He does that.

He took one of my things the other day.

You know what's bullshit on a stick?

I went 18 years on this planet and

no one ever told me about a Slim Jim.

Humans didn't need to invent

any other food.

F***, yeah.

Right? And it's not just me!

I can't piss for you!

Just try it! Concentrate!

What? Put your arm...

- I don't wanna pee.

- Put your arm on the wall.

Pick a number

between one and 3,500.

- Okay, I want three guesses.

- You don't get three guesses.

You get one guess,

between one and 3,500. Go.

Okay, okay, okay.

One thousand, four hundred and fifty-two.

Oh, my God.

No one's ever gotten it before.

- I can't believe you got it.

- Oh, you're so lying right now.

I'm not lying. You got it.

I am flabbergasted.

- Are you serious?

- Good move.

No, I'm not serious.

- F*** you.

- Yeah, sorry.

Whoa, look at that.

I'm gonna see if she needs some help.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- How's it going there?

- Not good.

I've been looking at all this,

but I don't really know anything

about cars.

I think something might be on fire.

- You want me to call you a tow truck?

- Thanks. Um...

Whew! I can't really afford to fix it.

I probably shouldn't have driven it.

- Where are you headed?

- Grand Island, Nebraska.

Nebraska?

You're driving by yourself to Nebraska?

I'm going to see my mom.

I'm pregnant.

- What's your name?

- Peaches.

I'm Ben.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Just a second.

- Okay.

Well, her car is shot.

She's heading to Nebraska.

I mean, we could take her

all the way to Salt Lake

and maybe put her on a bus

for the rest of the way.

What is wrong with you?

You don't put a pregnant lady on a bus.

We'll take her the whole way.

Oh, well,

we don't really have that kind of time.

Mervin. She's pregnant.

You sure about this?

- We don't know her.

- No, absolutely. Yeah. It's what we do.

We're a taxicab for America.

He's so much cooler than you.

You hear that?

Handsome and cool.

- I never said handsome.

- Well, pretty sure you did.

So, how pregnant are you, Peaches?

Uh, just a few more weeks

until baby Elton joins the world.

I'm naming him after his father.

- Is Elton's father in Nebraska?

- Afghanistan.

- Really? He's a soldier?

- Yes.

Private First Class, U.S. Army.

Second tour.

He just got deployed again.

It kind of took us all by surprise.

So, I'm scurrying back to Nebraska

to be with my mom.

Did he see any action

when he was there the first time?

Oh, yeah.

But he wouldn't want me talking about it.

Oh, you have to.

It's what you do on the road.

- Dot's already bored us with her story.

- A**hole.

I'm... I'm just kidding.

It's okay.

I kind of have a thing for a**holes.

Continue, Peaches.

Okay, well,

he was on a mission with his buddies,

and they got trapped by enemy rebels.

I know he's not one for bragging,

so I probably shouldn't brag on him,

but he saved everybody.

He ran through enemy fire to get help.

Trev, what would you do in that situation?

Oh, I'd most likely sh*t myself.

And I most likely would

have to clean it up.

- Don't worry about them. They're idiots.

- Oh, okay.

I have to clean him up

when he shits himself.

God.

All right.

Two rooms tonight. We're living large.

Man, I am starving.

I think there's an all-night diner

across the street.

What do you think?

Oh, well, Peaches said she was too tired.

Oh, all right.

Well, I guess it'll be the three of us.

I'm getting a patty melt.

I don't give a sh*t.

Look, maybe, uh...

Maybe you could be too tired as well.

What? Oh.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Come a long way since, "mall."

Hey, guys, Peaches is already asleep.

You guys wanna get something to eat?

You know, um... Do you guys mind

maybe just going by yourselves?

I'm pretty beat.

I think there's a place across the street.

Oh.

Oh, come on. How obvious is this?

No, it's not... He's totally...

It's a long... It's been a long day.

Yeah.

Are you asking me on a date?

Yes, I am.

Pick me up next door when you're ready.

Dude!

You were like James Bond there.

That was the most badass thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Come on, man. Give me a...

Give me a little sugar. Give it up.

My people don't high-five.

Trust me, it's worse than the air quotes.

Come on. Don't leave me hanging.

Yeah, no. That... You're...

That was terrible. You were right.

Handsome and cool, Ben.

You got it?

Right.

I'm just gonna give you

your medicines before you go.

- What?

- Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing? What is it?

- Ben, what is it?

- Nothing.

Uh...

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Uh...

Shi... Sh*t.

Ben, what the f***? What is it?

Um...

I think I left your medicines

in the other hotel.

With the C-pap machine.

They were all together.

Oh, f***.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

That's not a face cream, okay?

I need that sh*t to live.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

It's, um...

Uh... Sh*t, you know...

- Oh, f***.

- Listen, it's fine. It's fine, all right?

I'm gonna call a 24-hour pharmacy

and I'm gonna...

No, we're in Podunk U.S.A.

They're not gonna have sh*t. Oh, f***.

- I knew one of your spells would kill me.

- No, it's not...

Oh, sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm really sorry, all right?

- I don't know what happened.

- I know what happened. You're an idiot.

- You're a f***ing idiot.

- I'm not.

I'm not, all right? I'm not an idiot.

I'm... hilarious.

Oh... Oh, my hands are numb.

Are you kidding me?

This is when you decide to play the prank?

When I'm about to go on my first date?

I... It just seemed funnier that way.

Agreed.

I told you, I only date a**holes.

Yes. And I'm not an a**hole.

And since you want an a**hole,

my not being an a**hole

makes me more of an a**hole

than the a**holes that you normally date,

because they're giving you

exactly what you want,

whereas I, by not being an a**hole,

am not.

Which makes me an a**hole.

I can't believe

I actually understood that.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I woke up.

- May I come in?

- Yeah, sure.

I was just, uh...

Here.

Thank you.

They're really sweet.

Yeah.

Baby's Elton's kicking.

You wanna feel him?

- Oh, no, thanks, that's... That's okay...

- Oh, come on, he wants to say hi.

It's... I don't... I...

Dot told me about you.

She did?

What's it like being a parent?

Every corny thing you've ever heard

about having a kid

is completely and utterly true.

It's the only reason we're here.

- Hey. See you tomorrow.

- Yeah.

How was it?

She didn't let me eat waffles.

No? What'd you have?

French toast.

Not tonight.

All right.

You ready?

Hi. May I find you a salesman?

Uh, yeah, my friend here is looking

for Bob Richardson.

Is he available?

- Why don't I get you one of our salesmen.

- We need Bob.

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