The Golden Calf Page #5

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...Kozlevich...

...and me.

for 20 years of faultless service.

Now let Panikovsky divide.

He seems to have his own opinion

on the subject.

I do have my own opinion.

As if I've never divided the money.

As if I've never divided mere 10 thousand.

As if this is real money, just 10 thousand.

To me. To Ostap Ibrahimovich.

To me. To...

I'm leaving. Right now.

To Kiev. By express train.

To me. To him. To me.

To Ostap Ibrahimovich. To me.

So?

You and I get 4 thousand apiece.

And Balaganov two.

He hasn't earned even those two!

But Kozlevich?

Why give anything to Kozlevich?

That's robbery!

Who is this Kozlevich that

we should divide with him?

We don't know any Kozlevich!

Have you finished? - Yes.

What has Kozlevich-Shmazlevich to do with it?

And now I shall show you

how it should be done.

- Honestly and fairly?

- Fairly.

Stop joking, Bender!

Let's divide it fairly.

I have no desire to jest with you

at this late hour.

What did we work for then?

That's not right. Explain yourself.

We tried -- me and Michael Samuelievich.

To you, seeing that you are the favorite son

of the lieutenant, I can repeat only...

...that we didn't come here for 10 thousand.

Of thousands, I alone need at least 500.

Why did you send us then?

- The point is, Shura...

Who do you think you are?

...that I'm not a bandit.

I respect the criminal code.

I'm a high-principled fighter for currency.

This was merely a test.

Consider:
a clerk with a salary of 46 rubles

has 10 thousand rubles in his pockets.

This presents us with great opportunities.

Tomorrow I shall return the 10 thousand

to Koreiko and he will take it.

And precisely here will come his downfall.

I shall take him with my bare hands.

Being a wise man, he'll understand

that a part is less then the whole,..

...and for fear of losing all

he will give me that... part.

And at this point, Shura, there will appear

a certain little plate with a certain little... what?

Border... You're right!

- Why are you crying?

- Give me back my money! I'm so poor!

I haven't had a bath for a year!

And I'm old.

Girls don't like me.

I refer you to the Universal League of Sexual Reform.

Perhaps there they will help you.

- Nobody loves me!

- How could anybody love you?

Girls don't love the like of you.

They love young, long-legged,

politically literate ones.

When you die no one will write

about you in the newspapers:

"Another comrade has killed himself with work."

Or ''Death tore comrade N away from our rangs"

And no beautiful widow with Persian eyes

will sit on your grave.

And no weeping children will ask,

" Papa, papa, do you hear us?"

Don't talk like that! I'll outlive all of you!

You don't know Panikovsky!

Panikovsky will yet sell and buy you all!

And then sell again -- but at a higher price.

You had better tell me

whether you want to go on working or not.

I'm asking you for the last time.

I want to.

Citizen Koreiko?

Yes.

Alexander Ivanovich?

Quite so.

Please, be seated.

- I've come to you on an errand.

- If you please.

- We want to please you

- I am curious to know how.

I don't smoke.

Exactly 10 thousand. Count'em if you want.

- Will you please signed a receipt for it?

You are mistaken, comrade.

What 10 thousand? What receipt?

You were robbed yesterday evening,

weren't you?

No one robbed me.

Yesterday evening by the sea!

And they took 10 thousand.

The robbers were arrested!

One is an old man. Signed the receipt!

So help me God, nobody robbed me.

Evidently this is a mistake.

Sorry, I'm have to go to work now.

What do you mean, work! What work.

Do not obstruct justice!

The case is solved. You'll get the money.

We'll get the receipt.

What do you think?

Where would I get so much money?

Quite right.

Where could you get such a lot of money?

Exactly.

- So you have no complaints to make? - No.

- And you're not suffering from indigestion?

Not in the least. I'm a very healthy man.

- And you are not tormented by nightmares?

- No, not at all!

So long, then.

Don't forget your police cap.

I could only beg you not to eat too many pickles

or you might get the hiccups!

You're an interesting man, Alexander Ivanovich.

You have no complaints to make...

Remarkable! Such luck -- and still at liberty!

Well?

The plate?

You'll ruin you health with so much liquid.

It's like a suicide.

I get it!

What's inside if it's not a secret?

My little pigeons! Everything is inside this:

Palms, girls, Blue Expresses,

the azure sea, a white steamship,..

...a scarcely worn dinner jacket, a Japanese valet,..

...platinum teeth, socks without holes,

private billiard table...

...and, what is more important, the power,

respect and fame emanating...

...from money.

Stop your cruel jokes!

Back to business, boys.

The main point is clear.

The defendant does have money.

Enormous money.

This is a private investigation of citizen Koreiko.

That's why...

..."we need legal status, legal status and, once again,

legal status" [quote from V.Lenin]

At any rate, we must become a part of

the vivid mass of office employees.

What office employees? What vivid mass?

When do we start dividing our money?!

Comrades, let's sit down.

- When else, Ostap Ibrahimovich?

- Never, my poor friends.

The money will be deposited to the bank account

of our future establishment. Get it?

- That's it, Shura.

- Cheer up, Michael Samuelievich.

- This is the end.

- This is the end of part one -- you, pupil...

...of part one, only!

Gentlemen of the jury!

The session continues.

Ilya Ilf and Eugene Petrov

THE LITTLE GOLDEN CALF

Part Two

TWO SCHEMERS:

Office for the Collection of

HORNS and HOOFS

Closed for Lunch

Closed! The collection of hoofs

has been stopped temporarily.

I also have a right

for the lunch break.

My name is Funt!

And do you suppose that is sufficient to justify

your breaking in to the office?

Here, you're laughing,

but my name is -- Funt.

I am 90 years old.

You have an office.

Yes, yes. An office. Go on, go on!

Old guy, indeed.

Well, what do you want?

Do you see these trousers?

These are Passover trousers.

There was a time when I put them on

only for Passover.

Now I wear them every day.

- Don't you need a chairman?

- What chairman?

An official one -- in a word,

the chief of the establishment.

I'm the chief myself.

In other words, you expect to do time yourself?

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Why then did you take up 2 hours of my time?

I'm Funt! All my life I've done time for others!

Such is my profession -- to suffer for others!

- Oh, so you are a professional figure-head!

- Yes, I am Substitute-chairman Funt!

I've done time at the time of Alexander II,

the Liberator,..

...at the time of Alexander III,

the Peacemaker,..

...at the time of Nicholas II, the Bloody.

At the time of Kerensky I also did time.

At the time of Military Communism,..

I did no time.

There was no work for me.

But how I did time in the days of the NEP!

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