The Golden Calf Page #6

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Right away you can see that he is

a man of the good old days.

There are few of his kind left now,

and soon none of us will be left.

During 4 years I had less than

three months of freedom.

- And now I cannot recognize our Chernomorsk.

- So do I.

Where is private capital?

Where are the joint stock companies

with mixed capital?

Where are they all? Monstrous!

Well,..

...now when you've finished,..

...tell me, don't you know a fellow

by the name of Koreiko?

Don't know him.

And did you ever have

any business with "Hercules"?

"Hercules"? Well, of course I have!

Several private joint stock companies

had lived off "Hercules".

- Who in particular?

- "Intensifier", for example.

"Intensifier" received a large advance of money...

...for the purpose of doing something

connected with lumber --

-- the substitute-chairman was not supposed

to know what it was --

...and immediately it crashed.

Somebody got the money.

But who got it?

Who was actually behind it?

Who can tell.

This man has a head on him!

I would not put my finger

into the mouth of this man.

Who was this man? Try to recall.

Funt does not know it.

All I had to do was do my time.

This is my profession.

I've done time at the time of Alexander II,..

...of Alexander III,..

...of Nicholas Romanov,..

...of Alexandre Kerensky,..

...during NEP, after NEP.

I did time under Tsarizm,..

... and under Socialism,..

...and under the Hetman...

...and now I'm between jobs.

But didn't you see

any representative of "Hercules"...

...about the business of advances?

- Any name?

- Berlaga, the bookkeeper.

But I'm waisting my valuable time on you.

Will you take on a chairman?

My price is not high: 120 rubles a month at liberty

and 240 in prison,..

...a 100% increase for damages.

I suppose we can give you the job.

Make out your application

and hand it to the hoof-specialist.

My table will be over there.

And you, comrade hoof-specialist,

will deliver this subpoena to citizen Berlaga.

The document is mandatory!

On your knees!

Stand up.

Approach.

I've heard a lot of interesting stories about you

in Moscow, Nizhni-Novgorod and Odessa.

You're goner, Berlaga, but let's talk.

- Be truthful.

- Like Scheherazade.

Tell us about you colleague Skumbrievich.

I'm fascinated by his artistic image.

Proceed.

He was born in 1891.

Our short-term relationship

does not provide any ground for assumption,..

...that he is an honest man.

This is surely the place to look for him.

If they say that he is attending

an inter-office meeting...

...then he must be here.

Granted that our department

also has its weak side...

There are all sorts of deficiencies.

But such as exist in "Hercules"!

I love instant photography!

Look! This is his stuff.

Citizen Skumbrievich! Zhorik!

He has evidently swum far away.

I have no intention

of waiting any longer.

I shall have to act

not only on land but on sea.

Hey dude, let me have a look.

Over there, behind the buoy.

Balaganov! Undress and get Berlaga ready!

We may need him!

Comrade Skumbrievich! Just one inquiry.

Who authorized advances for "Intensifier"?

- Those that you took...

- Me?

Then who took them?

Did the pope of Rome take it?

Shura! Launch Berlaga!

Dude, gimme a drink.

Witness for the prosecution, name the amount

received by Skumbrievich.

Do not dip!

Everybody to the surface!

No fighting!

Face-to-face testimony continues.

Our Skumbrievich has confessed.

He couldn't hold out against face-to-face testimony.

Squealed, did he, the viper?

I didn't do it in the interests of verity,

but in the interests of truth.

Here I sense the hand of Koreiko.

Funding of advances was authorized

by the comrade Polykhaev,..

...him personally?

I've got the name correctly?

Polykhaev.

As I said, it did not take long.

What will happen now? I will perish!

Tell me, my friend, my kind friend.

How can I be calm? I have a wife, children

and another woman in Rostov on the Don.

I did not hide anything. Word of honor!

Can I live in peace? Can I?

Man can have complete peace

only from an insurance policy.

Any life insurance agent can tell you that.

Comrades! Personally,

I don't need you any more.

But the government

will soon become interested in you.

Somehow I have stopped believing in Bender.

He's doing something that's not regular.

Well, well, Nobody asked your opinion.

No seriously! I greatly respect Ostap Ibrahimovich.

He's such a remarkable man!

What is he spending our money for? Just think.

Why all this foolish office?

And the elk horns for 65 rubles!

And the ink well for 200 rubles!

And all the damn hole punchers!

I respect Bender very much but...

...he is an ass.

He's a pathetic, insignificant person!

After all, Bender made a man out of you.

Do you remember how you ran

with the goose in Arbatov?

Now you have a job, receive a salary,

and are a member of society.

I don't want to be member of society!

Your Bender is an idiot!

He started all these silly investigations...

...when we can get the money to-day

with our bare hands!

Why, I ask you, did he go to the Caucasus?

He says he went on business.

I don't believe him.

Panikovsky doesn't have to believe everything!

Yesterday I secretly penetrated into Koreiko's room.

Of course I did not find any money there,..

...but I discovered something better:..

...dumbbells,

very large black dumbbells.

I have discovered the secret of those dumbbells!

What kind of a secret can it be?

They're ordinary dumbbells for exercise.

Shura, you know how I respect you.

But you are an ass too.

Follow me.

Those are gold dumbbells!

Together, 120 pounds of 24K gold.

I understood it at once.

I stood there before those dumbbells

and laughed like a madman.

What a scoundrel this Koreiko!

I'll get myself some gold teeth,

and I'll get married.

My honest, honorable word! I'll get married!

Do you think I would have told you this secret

if I could take the dumbbells by myself?

But I'm a sick old man,

and the dumbbells are heavy.

And I appeal to you as to a kinsman.

I'm not Bender; I'm honest, Shura!

But suppose they aren't gold?

Just look at him!

Well then, what are they, according to you?

Now it's all clear.

Pay for the kefir, Shura.

We'll settle our accounts later on.

There is a watchmaker of my acquaintance.

He'll give us a real price.

Not as in the government store

where they never give you a real price.

The author!

We'll still give him his fair share, won't we?

What fair share.

This pathetic man makes me laugh!

He's writing again!

Seems like Ilf and Petrov.

But where will we saw off

our pieces from dumbbells?

- Did you think about it?

- I know one spot near Black Sea.

So why are we standing here like madmen?

And there's no one who can

appreciate my titanic labors.

Now I will not take less then a million,..

...or the good mulattoes

will simply never respect me!

I will command the parade!

Who's there?

Telegram.

What's the matter?

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