The Golden Calf Page #7

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Lift it off.

Not one bit of the golden dust should be lost.

Now go, lift mine.

This is precise scale -- from a drug store.

I'm dying of boredom.

I've been only talking to you

for 2 hours and I'm already as sick of you...

...as if I had known you all my life.

With such a disagreeable character

you might be a millionaire in America.

But here a millionaire should be

a bit more easy-going.

- You are insane.

- Don't insult me!

I'm the son of a Turkish citizen,

descendant of the Janissaries.

Janissaries know no pity,

either for women,..

...for children, or for underground

Soviet millionaires!

Go away, citizen. It's already almost 3 o'clock.

I have to go to work early.

What the hell do you want with me, anyway?

I want you to fall in love with me,..

...and as a token of your regard,

give me one million rubles.

I have told you a thousand times,

that I have no millions and never had any.

You understand?

Well, then, get out!

I shall lodge a complaint against you.

You'll never lodge any complaints against me.

Let's get serious.

See this folder.

But let's come to an agreement: no excesses.

The main thing is, don't die of a stroke.

Otherwise I'll be in a very foolish situation.

The fruits of long conscientious labor will perish.

So. Here is a folder.

It's worth is 1 million. Buy it!

First you come to me with some mysterious money.

Then you invent some case.

I's simply ridiculous!

Will you buy it? It is at a rate of only

What information are you talking about?

The most interesting. Information concerning

your second, more important life,..

...which is so radically different from your first --

-- the Herculean one.

Your first life is known to everybody.

From 10 to 4 you support the Soviet system.

But of your second life from 4 to 10,..

only I'm informed.

Have you estimated

the significance of this situation?

You know, you are not descended

from a monkey like other people.

You are descended from a cow.

You grasp things with great difficulty.

I repeat:
the folder is being offered for a million.

If you do not buy it, I shall...

Show me the case.

Don't bother. I'll command the parade!

I don't understand what you want of me.

But I don't mind looking at it out of curiosity.

Let's begin on that basis, which,

after all, is perfectly innocuous.

Gentlemen of the Jury!

I commence.

My defendant was born...

I suppose we may omit the happy childhood.

In those days little Sasha had not yet

occupied himself with commercial robbery.

Further goes the rosy adolescence.

And here is youth and the beginning of life.

The first important enterprises

of my defendant; to wit:

trade in government medicaments at the time

of the famine and the typhus epidemic,..

...and work in the Supplies Department,

which led to the disappearance of the railroad train...

..and the supplies directed

to the starving Volga districts.

All these facts, gentlemen of the jury, interest us

from the point of view of pure, innocuous curiosity.

We shall omit some pages...

Those with weak nerves should leave the audience.

Not altogether devoid of curiosity...

...was the appearance of my defendant

in Moscow in the year 1922.

Just look at him...

I can't make it out.

No, this is not gold!

Go on sawing, Shura! Go on.

Don't come to me with this iron.

I despise you!

Don't press my psyche!

You're interfering with business!

Where... where are you going, mammy?

Gentlemen of the jury!

The session continues.

And as you see, the ice is breaking.

The defendant has attempted to kill me.

Of course...out of childish curiosity!

He merely wanted to find out

what is inside of me.

Inside of me is an honorable

and very healthy heart,..

...excellent lungs, and a gall bladder

without a vestige of stones.

I request that this fact be entered into the protocol.

It's no longer a secret

that you don't love me.

I shall never obtain that which

Kolya Osten-Baken, my childhood friend...

...obtained from the Polish beauty Inga Zaiac.

He did obtain her love.

You may consider the serenade over.

I'm addressing you as one juridical party

to another juridical party.

I beg the court's permission

to ask the defendant several questions.

Did not the defendant have extra-official duties

with the Herculean Berlaga?

He did not?

Then with the Herculean Scumbrievich?

Also not?

And with Herculean Polykhaev?

He did not! I have no further questions.

I'm tired and hungry!

Tell me, don't you happen to have...

...a cold meat ball stored away on your bosom?

No?

Surprising poverty if one takes into consideration

the size of the sum...

...which you, with the aid of Polykhayev,

have extracted from good old Hercules.

Yes, gentlemen of the jury,

my defendant is a sinner.

That has been proven.

What punishment does he deserve?

Bad luck, Alexander Ivanovich.

Bad, bad luck.

However, I shall permit myself to plead

extenuating circumstances, on the one condition...

...that the defendant buy my folder

for 1 million rubles. I have finished.

It's dawn. Ah, how quickly the night passed

When you came in the guise of a Kiev investigator,

I knew at once that you were a petty crook.

To my regret, I was mistaken.

Otherwise you would never have found me.

Anything might happen, to quote the Polish beauty

Inga Zaiac a month after her marriage.

Well, now I understand the role of that idiot beggar.

But the dumbbells?

Why did you steal my dumbbells?

- What dumbbells?

- You're simply ashamed to admit it.

I did not steal any dumbbells.

Generally speaking, you pulled

some pretty silly tricks!

Quite possible. I'm no angel.

I have my weak points.

However, we're talking too much. The mulattoes

are waiting for me. May I have the money?

Yes, the money.

It's not as simple as all that.

The folder is a good one.

It's possible that I may buy it.

But a million is an excessively large figure.

Au revoir.

According to my estimates, you've got 8-9 millions.

Please remain at home for half an hour.

A splendid carriage with bars will call for you.

That's no way to do business

That may be so. But I'm not a financier.

I'm an independent artist and a cold philosopher.

By what right should you receive this money...

I earned it, but you?..

I didn't only earn it, but I have even suffered!

After having examined your past

I lost my faith in mankind!

- Isn't that alone worth a million rubles --

-- faith in mankind?

It's worth it, it's worth it.

You wouldn't be haunted

by bleeding boys, would you?

Don't be afraid.

Well then, shall we go to the corn bin?

If it's very far, I can provide an auto.

- Please.

- To your health!

You're much better than

I thought you would be.

Indeed, one should part with money

easily, without groans.

A million is not too much for a good man.

Citizens, you are in a poison gas zone!

Scabby old fellows!

Comic opera buffoons!

Citizen defendant, what are these tricks?

I call you to order!

Citizen! You are poisoned.

Citizen! You're poisoned by the gas.

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