The Good Catholic Page #3

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not somebody

who's gotta do everything right.

Not somebody who's supposed to have any

sort of profound existential insights,

and certainly not someone who's gotta

listen to me ramble on about my...

Dying stuff.

Just be you...

Daniel.

With all your Daniel junk.

Come on.

Let's go.

Hmm.

Was kind of hoping that you guys

would have the upgraded side.

Maybe a tempur-pedic chair...

Flat-screen.

Would it kill you to get

some reading material in here?

This was a mistake.

No, it isn't.

Relax.

Relax.

You don't look relaxed.

Relax. Breathe.

Good job.

So?

So?

You're gonna make me explain

this process to you? No,

I just... I don't...

Now, Daniel.

Hmm.

My child.

Mm-hmm.

My lamb.

My lambchop child.

Unburden yourself.

Get absolved.

Speak.

Whatever you want to say.

I don't see.

You don't see?

No.

You don't see what?

God.

God... what?

I don't see god.

I don't think I ever have.

My, uh...

My dad died...

Last year, and, uh...

He always liked the idea

of having a priest as a son.

I mean, I liked the idea, too.

Don't get me wrong.

It wasn't like he forced me

into it or anything.

It was just...

Just made sense.

You know?

Some kids want to grow up and...

Pitch game seven

at Yankee stadium...

Give an Oscar speech...

Fight fires or terrorists or...

Whatever.

I wanted to wear the fancy robes

on Sundays...

Give homilies

to captive audiences every week.

Help people.

He never missed a single mass.

Even when he got sick.

He used to tell people that...

He wasn't afraid of death

because...

My Danny's got it in with

the big guy.

Truth is

he was never worried though.

He saw him every day.

But you don't.

No.

So why do you do this?

Because if god ever does

show up, I...

I don't want to miss it.

I was sort of hoping for impure

thoughts about the organ lady.

Um...

But...

This'll do.

So what now?

Uh, well... I guess

you could give me a penance.

Really?

Yeah.

Nice.

Um...

Five hail Marys,

three our fathers...

Two...

20 pushups.

And you have to come

to my show next weekend.

Show?

I'm huge in this town.

I'm surprised you're not already

familiar with my music,

but I guess

this'll give you a chance

to get hip to what the kids

are into these days.

Um, I don't...

Oh, you're totally coming.

I'll save you a seat up front.

I can comp you, but you gotta

buy some coffee or something,

or the owner's gonna get pissy. Okay?

I really don't think this...

Great. I'll give you the details

at our next confession slash date.

Jane. Jane.

Jane!

Yes, you can buy merch from me

directly after the show.

Jane, I...

Autographs are fine,

but, please, no photos.

Miss your run again?

Want a muffin?

They're minis, so...

You can have, like,

30 of them, and they're

still not that bad for you.

Why do you do this?

I'm addicted to refined sugar.

It just tastes so darn good

on everything,

and if that's a sin, I just figure

I'll work it out on the other side,

but Adam had his apple, and I...

Truth be told,

I'm just looking for one

guilt-free sleeve of oreos,

and I don't think that's

too much to ask.

That's not what I meant.

I know.

So what...

What's going on with you?

I don't know.

But you're hoping

I can offer you

some sort of divine nugget

of wisdom

that'll make all the pieces

add up together for you?

What's the story?

Having a crisis of faith or...

Something else?

I have faith.

Yippee! Good for you,

father Jamieson.

I just...

I mean, I'm...

I'm just trying to

figure it out,

and you...

Forget it.

Did you do the last rights?

What?

When your dad died.

Were you the one

who gave him his last rights?

Yes.

And how did that feel?

He told me it was worth it...

Dying...

In order for me to be

the one to anoint him.

What about you, though?

How did you feel?

Gracious?

Did you feel...

Blessed?

Just sad.

Go ahead and have a seat,

will ya?

Go ahead and take the whole box.

Yeah, they're gluten free.

Organic.

Mostly locally sourced.

Not quite farm to table, but...

pretty good.

So I've got

the second Sunday mass,

a baptism on Saturday afternoon,

and the Monday-morning

confession.

Wednesday choir practice

and the Saturday-evening mass.

Oh, and this is pretty fun:

The kids from Sunday school

have asked me to...

To come in and teach a lesson.

You?

Yeah.

It's strange.

It turns out that

they find some people

a little more relatable

than others.

Well, they're only

eight years old, so...

And I will be spending quite

a bit of time

over at Ronnie's.

Why not the hospital?

No, that stubborn

son of a b*tch,

he just refuses to...

Let go.

They have moved him home.

He is strictly hospice now.

He's really still alive?

Well, I'll tell you what,

father.

I will let him know that his

selfish need to cling to life

is disrupting his schedule.

How's that sound?

Hmm. How's your week looking?

It's pretty much

the same as the last,

except for a few adjustments.

Uh, n-not so fast.

You'll be happy to know that

I talked to the bishop,

and he agreed to drop

the Friday night confessions.

I... it... I just think

that maybe we should...

Well, the church

is going back to normal hours.

Building will close at night.

End of story.

Okay?

Okay.

No, mom, they don't

call mourning "morning"

because it's supposed to happen

every day.

Who told you that?

I know.

I know.

But I don't let it take over.

He wouldn't have wanted us to...

Everything happens for a reason.

I love you too, mom.

God bless.

Problem was

I couldn't sing Harmony,

and the other problem was

I couldn't sing melody.

So...

This is me.

Oh... nice.

Place.

Weird, right?

Hmm?

I actually live somewhere.

Now I'm real, too.

Thanks for walking me home.

I always wanted a priest

as a bodyguard.

You don't really strike me

as the type of person

that needs protection.

We all need it, Daniel.

The world kinda sucks.

You don't believe that.

No, you don't,

which is why I like you,

but you're also, you know...

You.

Again, confirming my world view.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing here.

Just a lovely friendship.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

You're a priest.

I'm dying.

I get it,

but in different circumstances,

we're totally dating right now.

No. No, I...

No.

Wow, father,

you really know

how to make a girl feel special.

No, I mean...

This isn't...

I-I... we're...

I... I wouldn't say that...

That... I mean, we're not.

I-I'm not. You know?

No, I don't,

but I'd be happy

to give feedback

if you feel compelled

to articulate

an entire thought.

I am committed to god.

That means that any...

Emotional connection,

that is...

Other than friendship,

which... which is

what I think that we have...

Friendship.

You know? A really strong...

But anything more than that

is obviously not allowed.

I mean,

it goes against everything...

Uh... everything...

That I am, so...

How do you expect to get laid if you

keep saying that kind of stuff?

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