The Grass Is Greener Page #11

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Probably do better without it.

You were lucky to win the toss, sir.

That luger's a far better job

than the .38 his lordships got.

Well,

Good luck, sir.

Thank you, Sellers.

Oh, as I'm also his lordship's second,

I shall of course be

wishing him good luck, too.

Good luck, my lord.

Thank you, Sellers.

Now gentlemen, are you both

absolutely sure of the procedure?

I shall go over the

final details once more.

You each take 15 paces and turn.

And then I shall shout,

Attention.

Fire.

1, 2, 3.

If either of you should

fire after the word three.

You could be tried for murder.

Any questions?

Very well. Positions. Back to back.

Ready.

Fifteen paces.

Forward!

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

6...

7...

8...

9...

10...

11...

12...

13...

Turn!

Attention!

Fire!

What was that?

I don't suppose Victor gave

Charles an exploding cigar.

Oh Hattie, really.

I can't understand it.

This thing must fire

way off to the left.

Sellers!

What are you doing?

Well, telephoning the doctor, my lord.

Don't do it. Put the telephone down.

Sellers, bring me a very

large brandy, please.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Charles.

Bring us each a large brandy.

I wonder if I might

have one too, my lord.

I'm feeling a little faint.

I didn't hit you, did I, Sellers?

No, my lord. You hit the marble bust

of George IV at the end of the gallery.

I'm afraid I'm going to have

to insist on that doctor.

You just can't sit around with a

bullet hole in you drinking brandy.

That may not hurt much now,

but it's bound to hurt later on.

Yes, I dare say. But to get him

on the telephone would be a mistake,

and I'd rather you didn't.

- What's his number?

- I shan't tell you.

The local exchange has a

24 hour monitoring system.

Huh, thank you.

Thank you, Sellers.

Thank you.

Clean the guns will you. I'm

afraid I can't manage them.

Very good, my lord.

Excuse me, sir.

What's happening?

They're all wearing glasses!

Sellers!

Sellers, what's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing at all, my lady.

Now Sellers...

Sellers, nobody's going to hurt you.

Don't be frightened.

We're all friends here.

Victor, can't you do something?

Darling, you've got the wrong end of the

stick. He's only going to clean them.

What's the matter with your

arm? Let me look at it.

What's been happening here?!

Charles and I had a duel. I missed him.

A duel?!

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous.

It's perfectly true.

- You and Charles fought a duel?

- Yes, a duel.

Well, you must be out

of your mind. Dueling...

I've never heard of

anything so preposterous.

You're the Earl of Rhyall,

not the Count of Monte Cristo.

Hattie, go and phone the

doctor. His number is 29.

Oh Sellers, I do apologize

Oh, that's alright, my lady.

A perfectly natural mistake.

- Would you get me...

- No Hattie. don't!

If you get him on the telephone,

the Exchange will listen.

And by tomorrow morning,

the whole village will know.

And by tomorrow evening, it

will be in the newspapers.

Someone should fetch him.

I'll go.

Well, that's the least he could do.

Anyway, you're not suppose to

have a duel without a doctor.

In the pictures, he's always the one

with the bag and without the beard.

Where does he live?

Oh, in the village on the

same side as the church.

He has a magnolia tree in the

garden and a brass plate on his gate.

You can't miss it.

Well, how do I find the village?

Oh, that's rather difficult.

Oh, I know the way, I'll show you. Wait

two minutes and I'll put something on.

Oh, you look frightfully romantic.

Are you sure you're alright, darling?

- Perfectly.

- Honest?

Honest.

Well, don't you think we should tell

the doctor to send for an ambulance?

Yes, I think you better explain.

Tell him it's only a slight

wound and nothing serious.

Well, what should I say happened?

Tell him my butler,

who was highly nervous,

mistook for a burglar

and took a shot at me.

You don't mind, do you, Sellers?

- Not at all, lord, not at all.

- Oh you are clever. You think of everything.

You wait here, Charles, and I'll

give you a shout when I'm ready.

Victor wouldn't let me telephone the doctor.

So Charles and I are going to fetch him.

Alright, but hurry, won't you?

I heard the most terrific

crash, as well as the shot.

Was that you falling?

No that was George IV,

whom I mistook for Charles.

- Then you're not damaged anywhere else?

- No, darling.

Did I hurt you?

No, darling.

Oh, we won't need you any longer,

Sellers. And thank you for all your help.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

Sellers acted as second for both of us,

and conducted the whole

thing quite admirally.

Sellers, bring a hot water

bottle. Would you please?

Very good, my lady.

I suppose I'm as much

to blame as he is, but...

I really had no alternative.

I tried to talk to him, he just

kept repeating his challenge.

If I accepted, then he promised

to discuss the whole thing after.

But what if one of you had been killed?

Or both of you?

Precisely. Point is to

discuss it beforehand.

Why didn't you miss him? He missed you.

I still can't understand.

That wouldn't been any good, anyway.

According to the Seller's

rules, you start at 30 paces.

As you both miss,

Then you each advance

five paces and fire again.

You've got three shots in all.

It's rather like darts, except

you move nearer each time.

- Seller's rules.

- Hurry up, Charles! I'm waiting!

I'll be right back.

The West Corridor was long enough of

course, but one felt rather cramped.

We wanted to have it outside, but...

that would've meant waiting

until there was light,

and I didn't want to keep Sellers up.

Besides, we might've

been rather drunk by then.

Ah, here we are, my lord.

Well, what on Earth have

you got there, Sellers.

Well, the champagne his

lordship wanted, my lady.

Oh, thank you, Sellers.

Open it up, will you.

When did you order champagne?

When did I order it, Sellers?

Earlier this evening, my lord.

- Why?

- Oh, I thought we might need it.

Have we anything to celebrate?

I thought we might get thirsty.

I got it from the grocery.

I hope it's alright.

From my bill, I suppose.

I'll pay you back.

You just got it to be

friendly. Didn't you?

You have a wonderful gift

for choosing the right word.

My lady.

Thank you, Sellers.

Thank you, Sellers. And

have a glass yourself.

Oh, no thank you, my lord. No.

Well, I've served his

lordship's cold bottle.

I'll just go and attend

his hot one, my lady.

You're not cross with me. Are you?

Oh no, I'm not cross.

I just think you should see a doctor.

Well, I'm going to see a doctor.

No, not him. I mean a specialist.

A brain specialist for mental disorders.

Do you realize that you

might've been killed.

Or disabled for life, or

put into prison for manslaughter?

You should be flattered

a risked so much for you.

Now, where are you going?

Oh, to put something about.

- Well, I can get it for you.

- No, I want to attend to something else.

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