The Grass Is Greener Page #9

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Oh, thank you, dear.

Well, aren't we going

to finish our Scrabble?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm afraid Sellers knocked the whole

thing over when he brought in the coffee.

Thank you, darling.

What are you thanking me for?

Oh, it's a habit I've acquired.

Each time you say, "coffee" I say,

"thank you, darling."

Here are two more Scrabble letters.

There's O and uh K.

OK.

Must be a good omen, hmm?

Oh, yes. Of course it must be.

Try them the other way around.

KO.

Knocked out.

Well, I suppose that's an omen, too.

Well, never can tell, can you?

You mean...

Which way around things

are going to happen?

Yes, or what to put first

and what to place second.

If we knew that, we'd

all be a lot happier.

Don't you agree?

Yes, but as a general rule I'd say place

yourself first, the other fella second.

- Supposing the other fella disputes your arrangement?

- Ah!

Then you enter into competition.

And the race is to the swift and

the battle to the strong, right?

- Sure.

- I'm not at all sure.

In theory, I must disagree with you.

However, in practice

you may well be right.

A little primitive, but

what's wrong with that?

- What's primitive?

- You are, dear.

Oh, am I really?

Or was he being insulting?

On the contrary. I'd say

he was paying a compliment.

He says that because he is, too.

Is Hilary primitive?

I'm beginning to wonder.

And what are you?

Oh, the other day Sellers

told me I was traditional.

What's traditional?

Ah, now here you are, Charles.

A man after your own heart.

No? Who was he?

He was my great great grandfather.

- Say, he's got a green coat on just like yours.

- Yes, that's right.

That's traditional.

He ruined two men gambling one evening.

And killed another one at five

o'clock the following morning.

He was a fellow of a royal society, too.

Must have been quite a fella.

Why'd he kill the third

guy? Didn't pay up?

No, no, no. It was

an affair of the heart.

Yes, a woman.

Gentlemen didn't fight

over men in those days.

How'd it happen?

He discovered that his wife

was about to run away with a wealthy,

young land owner from South Carolina.

Beautiful country there, I believe, but

you're not from the South yourself, are you?

No, I'm from New York State.

Well, did they hang him?

No, it was a duel. Pistols.

Somewhere near Shepherd's Bush.

What happened to the lady?

- Well, my great great grandmother?

- Yeah.

Oh, she had several more children.

Mostly by my great great grandfather.

And they lived happily ever after.

What a fascinating story. Why

have you never told it to me before?

Well, perhaps I shouldn't have

even mentioned it now, darling.

You know I've always done my best to shield

you from the unpleasant side of life.

- There she is. She was lovely, don't you think?

- Yes, she was.

Her hair.

Let me see that.

That's my great great grandmother!

- No, darling, it isn't.

- Yes, of course it is.

No, of course it isn't dear.

Wait a minute, we sold your

grandmother to go to Spain last year.

What are you ta...

You know, I was only saying that if the

morals of this century get any worse,

it might be a good thing

to reintroduce dueling.

Make it legal, I mean.

Well, how would that help?

Well, it cut the divorce rate in half.

It might cut the husbands in half,

too. Then what would we do for alimony.

Oh Hattie, you'd be a

widow and you'd get the lot.

Oh, then it would be a marvelous idea.

- Come on. Let's go on upstairs.

- Can't you do something about that, Victor?

I've been wondering.

Come alone Charles.

Since the government insists that nuclear

weapons are a deterrent against war.

Surely they'd accept dueling

as a deterrent against divorce.

Might get a bill through the house someday

on that basis. Course it would all depend.

On whether the big

shots were good shots.

- More kibble, Hattie

- Yes, please.

There.

I did warn you about

Hattie. Didn't I Charles?

Well, darling. You haven't told

me what you did in London this week.

Did you have fun.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

What did you do?

Oh, you know. The usual

things one does in London.

Oh! That reminds me.

Of what?

Now Victor, I do hope you're not going

to be stuffy and say I've been dishonest.

Stuffy? Now what have you done?

Well...

One morning...

I found a cloak room tacket

for a tixie in a suitcase.

Oh, no! I mean I...

I found a cloak room ticket

for a suitcase in a taxi.

Oh, that's what you did.

Yes, I did.

So you gave it to the driver.

Well, no Victor. I'm afraid I didn't.

Well, you don't mean to tell

me you went and got it out.

Yes, I did.

But that's disgraceful.

Where was it?

Victoria's Station, Victor. And

I thought that was a sort of omen.

Oh, it had been there

for absolutely ages,

and there was a great

deal of money to pay on it.

So I thought, well, perhaps the

person has died or something.

Or it might have been stolen property.

The thief got windy and dumped it.

Yes.

Good lord, there wasn't

a body in it was there?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I haven't opened it yet. It was

locked and none of my keys would fit.

Charles, do you hear this

astounding confession?

I'm trying not to.

Oh, that's very good of

you. I appreciate it.

Hilary, I'm shocked at you.

I mean short-changing the public by selling

old mushrooms as fresh, that's one thing,

But you've never done

anything criminal before.

Oh, Victor, it wasn't criminal.

I found the ticket. I didn't steal it.

Yes, but the fact remains. You're in

possession of someone else's property.

Now, what should we do?

Obviously we ought to return it.

But we can't do that without

getting involved with officials.

Possibly even the police

and the newspapers.

Well, what's the point

of returning it now?

You'd never get it back

to the proper owner.

Anyway, you shouldn't have been

so silly as to lose the ticket.

Yes, it would only end up

as lost property, I suppose.

So, perhaps the first thing to do

is to find out what's inside it.

Well, let's hope it's nothing of value.

Where is it, darling?

It's in my room.

I'll get my keys and see if they're any

good. I'll tell Sellers to bring it here.

I must say, I think

it's all rather exciting.

Oh really, Hattie.

You talk as if Hilary had

one a bet on the horses.

- Oh, it the mink. Of course!

- Yes.

Darling, what a

perfectly brilliant idea.

Oh Hattie, I feel so awful. I am

so absolutely hopeless at lying.

You're not doing so badly, dear.

Hattie.

Why don't you run along

and powder your nose.

I want to talk to Hilary for a moment,

and if you see Victor, you just

keep him away as long as possible.

Now, you mustn't be upset, my sweet.

Oh, it's all so beautifully

romantic, and I have no part in it.

It makes me feel like the

president of the Lonely Hearts.

Come here.

No, and you stay where you are.

Why?

Cause I can't think

clearly when I'm near you.

What do you mean?

You know exactly what I mean.

You remember saying that to me?

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