The Hollywood Knights Page #3

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I just don't know

anymore, man.

Everything changes.

Remember that.

Nothing stays the same.

I got it.

Look, I'm telling you,

Barbara does not put out, okay?

She do. She do.

No, she doesn't.

She's a tramp. She's a tramp.

She do. She do.

Shorty.

Wheatly, that girl's looking at me.

What?

That girl right there is looking at me.

What girl?

That girl right there with the

red scarf. She's checking me out.

Hey, look, she's not checking you out.

She's looking through you to get to me.

Uh-uh, man, she's looking right at me.

Where?

Right there with the red scarf on.

Hey, are you looking at him?

He thinks you're looking at him.

Man, you a**hole!

You just blew it for me!

I'm sorry.

I can't believe you, Wheatly.

I can't believe you sometimes.

God!

I'm sorry, all right?

Don't get bent.

How's it going?

Hey, watch the car, all right?

What are you talking about?

Hey, listen, Moosie,

cut your hair, okay?

I gotta go practice now.

Hey, hey, hey,

you're into fine food.

What do you get when you cross a

donkey with a slice of Bermuda onion?

I don't know. What?

A piece of ass

that brings tears to your eyes.

You're boring, Turk.

You're very boring.

This dork?

This dork is better, right?

This dork, huh?

Hey, dork.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, butt breath.

What the hell did I tell you

about your sidewalk surfing in public?

Do you remember

that conversation?

Huh? I told you to hang ten

in your neighborhood.

What do you got in your pocket?

A pack of cigarettes.

Pack of cigarettes. You're a

minor. What are you doing with them?

They're for my mother.

Give them here.

Come on, get them out.

For his mother.

For your mother.

You're lying to me, kid.

You're lying to a police officer.

You little son of a b*tch.

You just remember what we said about

sidewalk surfing in public, all right?

Now, take off.

Hey, what's up, squirt?

"Surf City. "

Beaver patrol!

Beaver patrol!

Calling all beavers!

Dawn! Hey, Dawn!

You see these pictures?

Dawn! I always thought

you were a natural blond.

Shut up, you idiot! You idiots!

Have you seen these pictures, Dark?

Dark, you gotta see these pictures of her.

You know, that's so stupid, Turk!

Keep the pictures.

I'll take the real thing.

Hey, Dawn! Great tits!

Newbomb,

that's your brother's car.

You parked next to a fire hydrant.

Big deal.

It's Halloween.

Okay, fine. I'll see you guys

in the parking lot, all right?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all. It's a

wonderful-looking crowd tonight.

I'm glad to see you all

come out and support us this way.

And we're gonna get

those Panthers, aren't we?

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing

all of you over at the dance tonight,

which is what I have to

do right now, is go over...

...and take care of some

last-minute details over there

with the help of Mr. Nevans,

so I'm gonna turn the evening over

to my husband, Mr. Jack Friedman,

and our good friend

Mr. William Thornwell,

who, of course,

we all know as Thorny.

So I'll see you

over at the dance later.

Thank you very much.

This is "Thorny" Thornwell.

What a joy it is to be here

at the very spot where I first dreamed

of becoming your Channel 9 weatherman.

I've got a few announcements

to make this evening.

We've got some real treats coming up.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

You look good, Newbomb.

Maybe you'll get a date.

It's an improvement.

Hey, Riding Hood,

wanna be eaten by the Big Bad Wolf?

F*** you, Newbomb.

You told her, didn't you?

You told her, didn't you?

You set me up, didn't you?

We didn't set you up.

What time does

Dudley get here?

Relax, he'll be here

in a few minutes, okay?

Mother, please.

What is it?

I have to practice that.

That's why I'm singing it.

Yes, but your singing in no way

corresponds with my fingering.

Oh, well.

Now, you'll receive

the check at the rally.

I know.

They just wanted you to come by

and say "thank you"

in person.

I know.

After all, $500

covers a full year's tuition.

Mother, I know!

Yes. Now we're gonna stop

for a little cherry pie.

No. I'm not hungry.

Yeah, well, you need

a little quick energy.

Mother, they always laugh at me at that

restaurant when I'm dressed like this.

This is so crazy.

Oh, Nevans.

And now it's my great pleasure

to introduce

the president of the Beverly Hills

Residents' Association

and a great American,

Jack Friedman.

Thank you, Thorny.

What's the weather like up there?

Well, I'm sure we're all gonna

have a good time tonight.

And I'm not going to make any long

speeches. I'm just going to, uh...

All right.

I'm just going to start off

by introducing a wonderful

organization of fine young people.

The Beverly

Marching Band!

Get it up!

Take it up! Where's

the security, goddamn it?

Do the other thing.

The other thing?

You know.

Come here.

The other thing?

Yeah.

Heavens, Nevans!

Mrs. Friedman?

Mrs. Friedman.

Is that you?

What are you doing

here alone?

I had some thinking to do,

Dudley.

It's fortuitous that I found you here

alone because I wanted to ask your advice

on which magic trick I should

do for the talent contest.

Oh, Dudley, I'm not a good

judge of magic tricks.

I was thinking of doing my big illusion,

producing a rabbit from an empty box.

Abracadabra,

and here it is.

Oh, it's a cute little rabbit.

I call him Squeakums.

I think the audience

will find him amusing.

I think they will too.

Do that trick.

Or else I could do...

They're waiting for you inside.

This is called

my three-ball trick.

You put these balls in between

your fingers, and you make a magic...

Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I'll get them.

They're down here somewhere.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mrs. Friedman,

what are these?

Are these yours, Mrs. Friedman?

Yes, they're my husband's pants,

and I'm taking them

to the cleaners.

Then it's a lucky thing I dropped by because

I can feel a wallet and keys in the pocket.

Dudley, put the pants down, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Did I do that?

I'm sorry!

Dudley, please leave!

Please just leave! Thank you!

The horn is stuck.

Jesus!

The little son of a b*tch.

Excuse me, ladies, did you hear

about the guy with the five penises?

His pants fit

like a glove.

Oh, you piece of trash.

Disgusting.

Great joke. Great joke.

Turn that song up, man.

That's my favorite song.

Wait a minute, man,

wait a minute.

I want you guys to look at me,

all right? Who do I look like?

I have no idea.

Yeah? Look at me,

all right?

I'm depressed.

Who do I look like?

You look like that a**hole

at the car wash.

Why don't you bite my weenie, man?

I look like James Dean. Don't I?

Hey, I gotta take a leak, okay?

Hey, aim away

from the car, weenie.

On behalf of

my mother and my father,

I'd like to thank the Beverly Hills

Residents' Association

for their generous award

honoring my...

Help me! Help me! Help me!

Relax. It's me, it's Newbomb.

It's okay. Everything's copasetic.

May I have my puffer, please?

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