The Horizontal Lieutenant Page #7

You don't have to be nasty,

but just give him the brush.

"Good night, sir."

That's all you say.

Don't ask him, just tell

him:
"Good night, sir."

You tell him.

Good night, sir.

Let's make a note to get

these buildings painted.

Right you are, lieutenant.

There he is.

You got any dope for us?

How are things going?

Not too bad, except the fella

in the next room to me

snore all night long,

and I don't get

hardly any sleep.

The walls are here, very thin.

The cooking taste funny.

And the plumbing ain't

no good at all.

You're not down here to conduct

a housing survey, you know.

You're a spy.

I been spying. Every

day I'm spying.

All right. What

have you learned?

See that girl over there?

Yeah, the one who knocked

you down? What about her?

I think she likes me.

Oh, for the love of...

I warned you... I told you.

Tada, if you've been making

time with that little pigeon

instead of working, I'll have

your tail in a sling.

Akiko is very important girl.

She knows many things.

Yeah, especially

what you've been teaching her.

I don't teach her.

She teach me.

I got to go now.

Tonight, she going

to make me dinner.

And I'm going to learn

plenty tonight.

Good-bye, now.

As I predicted.

You send a spy to a girls

finishing school, and...

I think he's finished.

[Speaking Japanese]

Why don't we speak English?

Ok. Anything you want.

All the same to...

you... you speak English?

Yes. Many Japanese do.

But... How you know I do?

Many Americans speak

Japanese also.

To be spy, is required

to speak both.

Akiko, if people

here know I'm spy,

my life not worth a red yen.

Very true.

Eat your rice.

I think I lose appetite.

What you do?

You tell others?

Drink your sake.

[Gulps]

Thought we'd take

a drive in the hills.

Terrific view. We can

see the whole island.

Hey, a tropical picnic.

That's a pretty cute idea.

Aw, what time you due back?

6:
00.

4 hours!

Hey, on past performances,

that's a lifetime.

Hold it! Hold it!

Sorry, boy, the picnic's over.

I'm just getting started.

We've got to interrogate

a prisoner.

Japanese holdout just

walked into camp

and surrendered.

I don't give a hoot if Tojo

just walked in and surrendered.

The prisoner happens to be

Kobayashi's girlfriend.

Do you give a hoot now?

Now, let's get going.

[Speaking Japanese]

I don't get no place.

All she admits,

she's Kobayashi's friend Michido.

Try her again.

Find out if Kobayashi's been stealing food

for her.

[Speaking Japanese]

Oh, sure he has.

Get a load

of the figure on her.

She's been guzzling gefilte

fish by the bucketful.

Yeah, for a holdout,

she is sort of dumpy.

He really had to work to put

all that lard on her.

What a pair of goofs you are!

Don't you know anything?

This girl's going

to have a baby.

You mean, it isn't

all gefilte fish?

Ask if she's going

to have a baby.

Michido...

[Clears throat]

[Speaking Japanese]

That's why Kobayashi

wanted to marry her.

He wanted to give

the child a name.

Sam Kobayashi.

That's a favor?

Don't joke about it.

That fancy food

he was stealing...

it makes sense now.

It was for her.

Sure. Hey, who else

but a kid in a mess

would mix gefilte

fish and salami?

Ask her

if Kobayashi still

wants to get hitched.

Tell her I'll be the best man.

No. No more

questions, Merle...

Blue, we've got to.

Just a couple.

Not in her condition.

Her condition?

She's been bouncing around

these mountains

like a gazelle.

If I was in her condition,

I'd try out for the Yankees.

Nevertheless, this girl is going

to the hospital, and now.

Call a field ambulance.

Would you mind letting

us give the orders?

Don't argue with me.

Just do it!

Lieutenant, you're monkeying

with intelligence.

I'm glad you told me.

I'd never have guessed.

Now, wait a minute. Now...

[crying]

Now look what you've done!

As if she wasn't

scared enough already.

Hey, it's all right.

Everything's going

to be just fine.

Hey, lots of girls

have babies...

Japanese girls,

American girls,

and it always turns

out all right.

So, don't you worry, hear?

Because we're going to take

real good care of you,

and your baby is going

to be just beautiful.

Blue...

She doesn't understand

a word you're saying.

Arigato gozaimasu.

She doesn't, huh?

Merle:
Get me

an ambulance, please.

Oh, Merle. This is beautiful.

There's a ledge around here.

Just the spot.

Mmm, good.

Mmm.

How about another sandwich?

Uh-uh.

There's more beer left.

We better get started.

It's getting late.

There's no rush.

Is it really ok for us

to be so far from camp?

It's ok with me.

At least up here,

I don't have to compete

with colonels!

[Echo] Compete with colonels!

Just the same,

what time is it?

Oh, who cares, Blue?

Merle, did you hurt yourself?

Nah.

I got a strange impression

that you're trying to avoid me.

Maybe.

Yes.

Yeah, well, you didn't try

this hard back in Honolulu.

Merle, I'm glad you

brought that up.

That night in your place,

if I gave you the idea

that, well...

if I misled you in any way,

it was very thoughtless

of me, even cruel,

and I want

to apologize for it.

Oh, listen, Blue. If there

was any misleading...

as I've told you before,

I think you're very sweet,

in spite

of a few basic faults.

I've always enjoyed

your company,

and I want us

to remain friends.

More than friends.

Like... like, well,

like brother and sister.

I... I think it's best

to be honest.

Not only honest,

you're insulting.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be.

Oh, that's all right.

Well, anyway, I know

where I stand.

So long, sis.

Merle.

Merle, what are we doing?

I don't know. Let's find out.

Shame on you.

Now I'm really confused.

Will you please tell

me what happened?

Nothing happened,

and nothing's going to happen,

you... you bluebeard, you!

Bluebeard! Me?

Hey, listen!

Hey, Blue, you can't walk.

That's 5 Miles.

Oh, for the love of...

Ohh! Uhh!

Every day I get it...

inquiries from Ocean Command.

What's the delay

on the Kobayashi matter?

Why haven't you

captured Kobayashi?

Well, why haven't you?

General, I...

you call yourself a colonel.

You get me some action

on this thing,

or you'll be answering

to second lieutenant!

Sir, if you'd let

me explain...

never mind the excuses!

I've had enough excuses.

Do something!

Yes, sir. I will!

You call yourself

an intelligence officer.

From all the intelligence

you've given us,

Kobayashi could be building

a flattop back in those hills!

Oh, but...

I'm not surprised.

I had a premonition about you

the day you came through that wall.

However, you don't

seem worried.

In fact, you seem quite content

to remain on this island,

possibly due to the presence

of a well-stacked

lady lieutenant.

Well, I'm going to fix

that wagon, but good!

Oh, but, colonel...

if you haven't laid your hands

on Kobayashi by Sunday next,

I'm going to have you transferred

to Molobussy Rock. Ever hear of it?

No, sir.

Nobody has!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes