The House Page #8

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Check your marshmallows, fellas.

No one says "check your marshmallows."

You wanna get f***ed by a fire dick?

OFFICER CHANDLER: No.

- Then check your marshmallows.

- SCOTT:
Yeah.

There's something fishy

going on with those three.

- DAWN:
Definitely.

- (COOING)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

- Got a blue moon.

- Got a blue moon in your eyes

Are those women's sunglasses?

No. They're Italian.

And that's a woman's

cigarette. That's nice.

Also Italian.

Italian sunglasses, Italian cigarettes.

Okay. Ciao.

Lord above Things

ain't been the same

Since the blues walked into town

Excuse me, what the hell is that?

Craig ordered eggs, over-medium.

No. Look at the yolks.

Those are hard, that's not

over-medium. Take it back.

Scott, I'm really slammed right now.

I don't give a sh*t, a**hole.

Take it back. All right, dick face?

You're doing a great job.

Hey, sexy.

Hey, baby. Looking good.

Feeling better.

(SMACKING)

Hey, things are getting super weird.

I just found a glory hole upstairs.

Just a dick-sized hole

in the middle of the

wall that somebody made.

You know how I knew?

There was a dick hanging out of it.

(ALL CHEERING)

Who the hell are they?

Oh, they're Wall Street guys.

They're betting a lot of money.

They're also doing a ton of blow.

- Oh, yes!

- (SNIFFING)

Lord above Things

ain't been the same

Since the blues walked into town

This is Frank Theodorakis' house.

And right through those

woods, only 100 yards away,

is the parking lot to Taylor's Meat Market.

Oh, right, the great meat conspiracy.

Woke up this morning

Got a blue moon

Come on, man.

Don't do blow on the

table. It gets in the felt.

Hey, we're betting 1,000 bucks a roll.

I'll do cocaine off of whatever I want.

I'll do it off of that

dumb wall sconce over there.

- Check this out.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(SNIFFS)

Whoo!

OFFICER CHANDLER: What the sh*t?

- Everybody, freeze! Police!

- (PANICKED YELLING)

Everybody, freeze! Respect my authority!

No, no! No!

No, freeze! You're not freezing!

Freeze! Get on the ground.

You will stop or get arrested.

Do not inhale that!

(SCREAMING)

My eyes!

BOB:
Playing cards, huh?

- (SIGHS)

- For cash?

That's illegal.

- It's for charity.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Good.

Which charity?

- Uh...

- Uh... Horse circumcision.

Money for psychic kids.

Canada.

Where's the money?

This is pointless. You're not

gonna find anything anywhere.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Well, we've looked in all

of the other rooms, so...

Chandler, take a look.

(CLATTERING)

- Hey, Scotty! Eyes up here, buddy.

- Honey, don't point at that.

SCOTT:
Look how nervou

the baby deer is.

You guys seem pretty interested

in this painting, here.

- Yeah.

- We're not.

The baby. The doe.

FRANK:
Ah!

What's this?

It's safes, Bob.

(SOFTLY) Oh, you f***ing idiot.

- Those are my pornography collection.

- Mmm.

Why don't we just pop the safes and see

if it's all the money that you've taken?

You can't open them without the combo,

- and I'm not giving it to you.

- BOB:
Hmm.

What are you looking

at? Why are you staring

at this photo over here, now?

Don't do that. Oh!

BOB:
Oh.

A Post-it note.

Is this the combination?

'Cause you 69 yourself, 24/7?

- Okay, here's the deal. We're not gonna arrest you.

- (BOTH SIGH)

But you guys have to shut down this casino.

Aw, what?

And also, we're

confiscating all your money.

Hold on, you can't take the

money. It's for our daughter.

You're gonna take their money, Bob?

I'm not gonna take their money.

I'm gonna confiscate

their money for the town.

Come on, Chandler,

you're not gonna get

caught up in this, are you?

You're a good guy.

Who's always lead baritone

when we go Christmas caroling?

Come on.

Hark the herald angels sing

- Glory to the newborn king

- BOB:
Shut up.

You remember when you guys

started an illegal casino?

(IN HIGH VOICE) I'm Alex.

I wanna go to Bucknell.

- Bob, enough.

- But my parents f***ed up.

They couldn't find the money,

so they started an illegal casino.

Bob, she's a kid.

Oh, oh.

(NORMAL VOICE) We're taking the cash.

BOB:
Let's go, Chandler. Shut it down.

OFFICER CHANDLER: Bob. Bob!

That money's for college.

WOMAN:
(ON TV) Tonight at

11:
00. Earlier this week,

a local man was treated

at Sacred Heart Hospital

for a severed middle finger.

Authorities believe

this may be related

to the recent local crime spree.

The man is known to have

connections to Tommy Papouli,

long suspected of racketeering,

illegal gambling, and even murder.

Hey, sweetie.

You were watching Walking

Dead without us?

- Yeah. Lizzie killed Mika.

- (GUNSHOT ON TV)

(SIGHS)

KATE:
(SIGHS) F***, we suck.

SCOTT:
We lost all our money.

And I am mentally and physically

addicted to marijuana.

Honey, you love it.

I think about it all the time.

It's really hard to focus right now.

I'm so mad I'm not high.

And we started a fight club.

What are we doing?

We're each other's

enabler. We're not even...

One of us has to be an adult here.

So you do it.

You be it.

Okay. I'll be the adult.

And, as the adult,

I'm gonna say, we're gonna call Frank

and tell him to shut it down.

Okay.

And that's how we're gonna handle it.

- Okay.

- (SIGHS DEEPLY)

- What a relief.

- Right?

- Or we keep it open, and go big.

- Or we do. Yeah.

F*** Bob Schaeffer.

I'm not gonna look my daughter in the eye

and tell her she can't go to college,

because some small-time

city councilman is bullying us.

Exactly! We'll call everyone

and tell them the casino is still open.

- Yes.

- No limit on any bet in the house.

We go big, we make our money,

and then we parachute out of there.

Go big, or go home.

- Let's do this!

- Okay.

LAURA:
All right,

here we go Here we go!

CRAIG:
All right!

LAURA:
This is fun! Whoo!

WOMAN:
That guy!

CRAIG:
F*** Bob Schaeffer! Whoo!

We got a professional shooter here.

JOE:
He can't tell us to shut down!

CRAIG:
Let's go! Two

more Let's go. Come on.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Wow. Hey, Raina.

- What a pleasant surprise.

- Oh, my God!

You said, "I'm not gambling."

Raina, I meant that. I'm not!

They are!

All of them, and they're losing.

You know, when you emphasize

one word more than the other,

you know that's bullshit, right?

Okay, so do you want me to

emphasize something for you?

I am not coming back.

Oof.

(GIRLS CHEERING)

RACHEL:
They said go through Taylor's,

- then through the woods, then we'll get to the casino!

- ALEX:
Let's do it!

- Ooh.

- (ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm beginning to think

Raina's not gonna take me back.

Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?

Alex, what are you doing here?

ALEX:
We got invited to this casino.

You shouldn't be here.

- What?

- Come with us.

Sweetheart, it's very complicated,

but we need to tell you a few things.

Hello?

Hey, go around back.

There's a secret entrance.

The password is Andre the... (YELLS)

(YELLING)

Holy f***, look at this place.

When you said casino,

I didn't think you meant f***ing casino.

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