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The House Page #8
Check your marshmallows, fellas.
No one says "check your marshmallows."
You wanna get f***ed by a fire dick?
OFFICER CHANDLER: No.
- Then check your marshmallows.
- SCOTT:
Yeah.There's something fishy
going on with those three.
- DAWN:
Definitely.- (COOING)
(EXCITED CHATTER)
- Got a blue moon.
- Got a blue moon in your eyes
Are those women's sunglasses?
No. They're Italian.
And that's a woman's
cigarette. That's nice.
Also Italian.
Italian sunglasses, Italian cigarettes.
Okay. Ciao.
Lord above Things
ain't been the same
Since the blues walked into town
Excuse me, what the hell is that?
Craig ordered eggs, over-medium.
No. Look at the yolks.
Those are hard, that's not
over-medium. Take it back.
Scott, I'm really slammed right now.
I don't give a sh*t, a**hole.
Take it back. All right, dick face?
Hey, sexy.
Hey, baby. Looking good.
Feeling better.
(SMACKING)
Hey, things are getting super weird.
I just found a glory hole upstairs.
Just a dick-sized hole
in the middle of the
wall that somebody made.
You know how I knew?
There was a dick hanging out of it.
(ALL CHEERING)
Who the hell are they?
Oh, they're Wall Street guys.
They're betting a lot of money.
They're also doing a ton of blow.
- Oh, yes!
- (SNIFFING)
Lord above Things
ain't been the same
Since the blues walked into town
This is Frank Theodorakis' house.
woods, only 100 yards away,
is the parking lot to Taylor's Meat Market.
Oh, right, the great meat conspiracy.
Woke up this morning
Got a blue moon
Come on, man.
Don't do blow on the
table. It gets in the felt.
Hey, we're betting 1,000 bucks a roll.
I'll do cocaine off of whatever I want.
I'll do it off of that
dumb wall sconce over there.
- Check this out.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
(SNIFFS)
Whoo!
OFFICER CHANDLER: What the sh*t?
- Everybody, freeze! Police!
- (PANICKED YELLING)
Everybody, freeze! Respect my authority!
No, no! No!
No, freeze! You're not freezing!
Freeze! Get on the ground.
You will stop or get arrested.
Do not inhale that!
(SCREAMING)
My eyes!
BOB:
Playing cards, huh?- (SIGHS)
- For cash?
That's illegal.
- It's for charity.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Good.
Which charity?
- Uh...
- Uh... Horse circumcision.
Money for psychic kids.
Canada.
Where's the money?
This is pointless. You're not
gonna find anything anywhere.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Well, we've looked in all
of the other rooms, so...
Chandler, take a look.
(CLATTERING)
- Hey, Scotty! Eyes up here, buddy.
- Honey, don't point at that.
SCOTT:
Look how nervouthe baby deer is.
You guys seem pretty interested
in this painting, here.
- Yeah.
- We're not.
The baby. The doe.
FRANK:
Ah!What's this?
It's safes, Bob.
(SOFTLY) Oh, you f***ing idiot.
- Those are my pornography collection.
- Mmm.
Why don't we just pop the safes and see
if it's all the money that you've taken?
You can't open them without the combo,
- and I'm not giving it to you.
- BOB:
Hmm.What are you looking
at? Why are you staring
at this photo over here, now?
Don't do that. Oh!
BOB:
Oh.A Post-it note.
Is this the combination?
'Cause you 69 yourself, 24/7?
- Okay, here's the deal. We're not gonna arrest you.
- (BOTH SIGH)
But you guys have to shut down this casino.
Aw, what?
And also, we're
confiscating all your money.
Hold on, you can't take the
money. It's for our daughter.
You're gonna take their money, Bob?
I'm not gonna take their money.
I'm gonna confiscate
their money for the town.
Come on, Chandler,
you're not gonna get
caught up in this, are you?
You're a good guy.
Who's always lead baritone
when we go Christmas caroling?
Come on.
- BOB:
Shut up.You remember when you guys
started an illegal casino?
(IN HIGH VOICE) I'm Alex.
I wanna go to Bucknell.
- Bob, enough.
- But my parents f***ed up.
They couldn't find the money,
so they started an illegal casino.
Bob, she's a kid.
Oh, oh.
(NORMAL VOICE) We're taking the cash.
BOB:
Let's go, Chandler. Shut it down.OFFICER CHANDLER: Bob. Bob!
That money's for college.
WOMAN:
(ON TV) Tonight at11:
00. Earlier this week,a local man was treated
Authorities believe
this may be related
to the recent local crime spree.
The man is known to have
connections to Tommy Papouli,
long suspected of racketeering,
illegal gambling, and even murder.
Hey, sweetie.
You were watching Walking
Dead without us?
- (GUNSHOT ON TV)
(SIGHS)
KATE:
(SIGHS) F***, we suck.SCOTT:
We lost all our money.And I am mentally and physically
addicted to marijuana.
Honey, you love it.
I think about it all the time.
It's really hard to focus right now.
I'm so mad I'm not high.
What are we doing?
We're each other's
enabler. We're not even...
One of us has to be an adult here.
So you do it.
You be it.
Okay. I'll be the adult.
And, as the adult,
I'm gonna say, we're gonna call Frank
and tell him to shut it down.
Okay.
And that's how we're gonna handle it.
- Okay.
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
- What a relief.
- Right?
- Or we keep it open, and go big.
- Or we do. Yeah.
F*** Bob Schaeffer.
I'm not gonna look my daughter in the eye
and tell her she can't go to college,
because some small-time
city councilman is bullying us.
Exactly! We'll call everyone
and tell them the casino is still open.
- Yes.
- No limit on any bet in the house.
We go big, we make our money,
and then we parachute out of there.
Go big, or go home.
- Let's do this!
- Okay.
LAURA:
All right,here we go Here we go!
CRAIG:
All right!LAURA:
This is fun! Whoo!WOMAN:
That guy!CRAIG:
F*** Bob Schaeffer! Whoo!We got a professional shooter here.
JOE:
He can't tell us to shut down!CRAIG:
Let's go! Twomore Let's go. Come on.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Wow. Hey, Raina.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Oh, my God!
You said, "I'm not gambling."
Raina, I meant that. I'm not!
They are!
All of them, and they're losing.
You know, when you emphasize
one word more than the other,
you know that's bullshit, right?
Okay, so do you want me to
emphasize something for you?
I am not coming back.
Oof.
(GIRLS CHEERING)
RACHEL:
They said go through Taylor's,- then through the woods, then we'll get to the casino!
- ALEX:
Let's do it!- Ooh.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
I'm beginning to think
Raina's not gonna take me back.
Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?
Alex, what are you doing here?
ALEX:
We got invited to this casino.You shouldn't be here.
- What?
- Come with us.
Sweetheart, it's very complicated,
but we need to tell you a few things.
Hello?
Hey, go around back.
There's a secret entrance.
The password is Andre the... (YELLS)
(YELLING)
Holy f***, look at this place.
When you said casino,
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"The House" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_house_20464>.
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