The House Page #9

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Remember me, motherf***er?

Wow, that looks great.

Hey, dickfuck, you're not gonna like Tommy.

He doesn't cut off

fingers, he cuts off heads.

Shut up. Come on.

Guys, we've got a problem.

(KATE SCREAMS)

- He's got a gun.

- Okay.

Where's the money?

- We just got robbed.

- Yeah.

Look, the safes are all empty.

Do you know how many times

I've seen someone point to an empty safe

and say, "We have no money"?

- A hundred?

- Five hundred?

- Thirty thousand.

- It's rhetorical, fuckstick.

- FRANK:
Okay.

- Shut up.

This your daughter?

- Where?

- Who? Her?

Right here.

That's such a compliment. This is my wife.

Alex?

- SCOTT:
In fact, there's our daughter.

- There she is. Hello, daughter.

SCOTT:
Hi, honey.

Don't overthink it. Just be our daughter.

Come right here.

I'm not your daughter. That's your...

- (SHRIEKS)

- (GROANS)

Sorry, Rachel!

- F***'s the matter with you?

- What?

Shoving a girl like that?

We are strict disciplinarians

in our household.

Get out of my way.

- I know this is your daughter.

- Mom!

SCOTT:
No, no, no!

- TOMMY:
Cuff her.

- SCOTT:
Sweetie.

- Mom.

- Honey.

- No.

- Wait, no.

Take me, not her.

No. No one cares if you die.

Oh, thank God.

Help 'em find the money.

Oh, and hey...

300 grand. Or you'll never

see your daughter again.

- Mom! Dad! Help! Help!

- F*** you. F*** you.

Let go of me.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what? You got us.

There's $300,000 in money in this room,

hidden in these money, uh, buckets.

So, if you want, you can take the money

and we'll take their daughter back.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

FRANK:
There's one here,

there's one behind the bed

and there's one right over there.

Money cannon.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

Yeah!

Don't worry, guys, I got this.

KATE:
Yes!

Oh, no! Not in Frank's place, you don't!

- (CROWD GASPS)

- (GASPS AND GROANS)

He's got a knife.

Look what he did.

RAINA:
Oh, my God, Frank.

- Frank! Frank!

- (GROANING)

- Raina.

- Are you okay?

- God.

- Did you see him stab me?

- Yes...

- It was so cool and effortless.

- Oh, no! (GAGS)

- Okay. Okay.

Let's go. Come on.

Jesus. Aren't you supposed

to be getting me my money?

- Pal?

- Dad?

My name's not Pal.

They call me the Butcher.

- Is that right?

- Alex! Stranger danger!

(GROANS)

(CROWD GASPS)

- (CROWD SCREAMS)

- (ALEX SCREAMING)

- F***!

- (PANICKED SHRIEKING)

- Oh, God!

- Don't forget about the Burner!

Yeah!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh!

- What the f***?

- Put him out! Put him out!

- I got this!

- No, no, no!

That's vodka!

Are you kidding? Help!

- I got it!

- No, no, no!

That's vodka, too!

Oh, God! (SCREAMS)

Wait, no! That's polyester!

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

I've got an idea. Everybody, back up!

All right.

Ouch!

- Stop!

- (SCREAMING)

What's with these people?

I did it!

- (ALL CHEERING)

- Frank!

Frank, you saved his life.

(LAUGHS) Everybody,

everything's gonna be just fine.

- (ALL SCREAMING)

- I was wrong!

I'm sorry.

You were right about me.

I will sign the divorce papers.

As long as you print a new copy,

'cause the ones that you gave

me burned up in the house.

I f***ed everything up.

I know.

But we have insurance.

They don't know that I took

all the furniture and jewelry and stuff.

- Raina...

- What?

Are you suggesting that

we commit insurance fraud together?

What, Frank? I'm just sayin'.

(CROWD GASPS)

ALEX:
That's one of the

most f***ed-up things

I've ever heard.

But,

you guys kind of did it all for me.

So, thank you.

Honey, don't thank us.

The money's all gone.

You can't go to Bucknell.

We are so sorry.

We had it,

but then Bob Schaeffer took it from us.

The a**hole that took my scholarship?

If he stole it from us, why

don't we just steal it back?

- No.

- 'Cause we don't do that anymore.

Once you go to the dark side,

it gets dark very quickly. Trust me.

I see fingers everywhere.

Are you guys serious?

You've been doing this

insane stuff all summer,

and now that I have a chance

to help, you just wanna quit?

OFFICER CHANDLER: Good

afternoon, folks.

- SCOTT:
Excuse me? Hello?

- ALEX:
Mom?

Don't be alarmed. I'm

not here to arrest you.

What you did was self-defense.

We are alarmed, you're in our backyard.

Ignore the badge.

- Ignore the gun.

- ALL:
Oh!

- Sh*t!

- Put it down.

- What are you doing?

- Put that down.

This is nothing to be afraid of. Here.

(ALL GASP)

People being afraid of guns is silly.

And I'm sick of it.

Anyway,

I'm just here to say one thing.

F*** Bob Schaeffer.

He doesn't care about this town.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You're never gonna believe this, Bob.

They never shut down the casino.

They just moved it to another house.

But I told them if they kept it open,

that I would have them arrested.

FRANK:
There are

Smurfs who are taller

- than Bob Schaeffer.

- (SIGHS)

He looks like a gremlin

learned how to tie a tie.

Don't get him wet after midnight.

Hey, guys! I found the casino!

GARVEY:
For God sakes, I'm short!

(LAUGHTER)

(ALL CHEERING)

They're making fun of you, Bob.

GARVEY:
(IN HIGH VOICE)

Hello, I'm Bob Schaeffer.

You told them to shut it down.

Cop car. Now.

Can't wait to see their

faces when we get there.

Come on.

SCOTT:
Okay. Yeah, right there!

Okay, here you go.

Okay.

SCOTT:
All right.

What's the combination?

It's okay, I know.

Officer Chandler told me.

And right now...

I completely remember it.

It's okay, I know, I know, I know.

Dad, there's no time for this.

- (THUDDING)

- (SHUSHING) Hide!

- Hey, how's it going?

- Good.

I need that by tomorrow.

- All right.

- No, I'm serious, though.

All right. Bye.

Okay, Scott...

- Honey, I have faith in you, okay?

- Yeah.

I know that you can remember

four sequential numbers.

Just think. Just think.

Squiggly line.

Is that part of the combination?

- Poop. Poop emoji?

- POOP:
Uh-oh.

Is that part of it? No.

I love you so much, Dad.

I'm gonna miss you next year at college.

29-52-41-78

pound.

- Yes!

- I remember!

You did! Good job!

I'm gonna miss you, too, sweetie.

Okay.

- Good job.

- (SAFE BEEPING)

(SAFE CLICKS)

Okay.

(GASPS)

(SCOTT GRUNTING)

Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Honey, there's wheels.

I got it. What?

- Dad! Dad!

- It's got wheels!

- You can wheel it.

- Oh, it does.

- Okay, yeah. So much easier.

- Just drag the suitcase.

- Okay.

- Careful! The floor is slippery.

Are you meeting with the Johansens?

I think I saw them come into Town Hall.

BOB:
Dawn, they can't be there.

We're going to arrest

them right now.

DAWN:
Well, they're here somewhere.

Your office door is open.

Wait, so is the safe.

What? I'm coming back! Go faster, Chandler.

- I'm driving safely, Bob.

- Punch it!

Bob, I'm going the speed limit.

- Punch it, Chandler. Let's go.

- I won't.

BOB:
Back to Town Hall now!

- OFFICER CHANDLER: Stop it!

- BOB:
You stop it!

- Stop doing that!

- BOB:
No!

- Stop it!

- Watch out, Chandler!

(GROANS)

That's why you don't punch it!

(GRUNTS) Great, just great!

(GROANING)

F*** you, Bob Schaeffer!

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