The House Bunny Page #6

because those are from Easter Island...

which is like 2000 miles away,

as you probably know, in Polynesia.

Wait, Natalie. You're too smart.

Boys don't like girls that are too smart.

Right.

Right.

God, I hope Colby didn't hear me say that.

Shelley, you really know all the tricks.

How do you do it, you know?

I mean, with Colby here

and with Oliver asking you out...

it's like we might both

lose our virginity this year.

Yeah.

It's supposed to be a mixer.

There's no one here to mix.

They're over there, aren't they?

The Kappas.

Well, they're definitely not here.

I know that, dipswitch. I can see that.

And now,

let the sacrificial rites begin!

It's time for this virgin to get

sacrificed in the boiling Jell-O lava!

- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

This is Aztec Night, the first of many

awesome Zeta parties to come.

And for those of you girls

going through rush...

remember to make Zeta

your number-one choice!

The time is now.

Yeah.

I've never seen anybody

get sacrificed before.

That was so hot.

I mean, I don't know anything

about Aztecs, you know? R their culture.

But, I mean, I do know that I had fun.

Yeah. I don't know anything

about them either, so that's awesome.

What have the Zetas become?

Oh, my God.

Popular.

Remember, be sexy.

- He's gonna love your shoes.

- Deep breath, take a deep breath.

Okay, okay, he's here. Okay.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Wow, you look great.

- Thank you.

- You ready?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Would you mind if we walked?

- Oh, yes, I like to walk.

And that's not the only thing I like.

No? You have a wide range of interests?

Oh, yes. A big range.

Oh, wait here for a second.

I think I dropped some money

over here the other day.

I just don't know

wherever could it be.

Maybe it's over here by this manhole.

That's f***ing hot!

I just went over there

to look for my money...

which I had dropped the other day.

I think it was a dollar coin,

because I heard a clanging.

But anyway, wow.

Who knew steam can be hot?

Yeah, that's...

I wonder what they did

when Marilyn Monroe did it.

They probably added soothing botanicals

to the steam rising from the manhole.

I like that word.

"Manhole".

All right. What can I get you guys?

Instead of the mahi-mahi,

may I just get the one mahi,

because I'm not that hungry?

I'll ask.

The chicken piccata for me.

Yeah, that'd be fine.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

"Piccata".

That's another word I like.

Piccata.

Yeah, it just rolls off the tongue,

doesn't it?

Sounds like "Hotta".

Yeah.

R "the Spanish Armada".

- I like to rhyme.

- Yeah?

...and Stair-Master

to tone the buttock area.

I'd show you,

but who really wants to see my butt?

I mean, it's just a silly old butt

with no tan lines.

Yep.

Wow, this was really good food.

I hope it doesn't go straight to my butt.

I mean, I think my butt would still

be a pretty good one, though.

Yep. My ass.

Oh, well, this has been fun...

but we should probably wrap it up,

because I've got another date at 11.

Are you serious?

Well, what's a girl in demand

going to do?

Wow. Okay.

Yeah, well, dinner's on me.

I'm gonna get going. I wouldn't want you

to keep the other guy waiting.

Wait!

Your biceps are huge! Kiss me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, right.

Shelley's back.

- How'd it go?

- How'd it go, Shelley?

Not good.

- What?

- Why?

I don't think he likes me.

He didn't fall for any of my tricks.

That's impossible,

your tricks always work.

I did sexy,

I did "other guys want me".

You know, I worked every angle in the book.

But I don't know, he just stared.

What if Oliver is one of those guys...

who wants to have, like, a conversation

with a girl before he hooks up with her?

He's gay?

No, he's not gay.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just saying, you know,

maybe he wants to talk first.

What if Oliver doesn't mind

a smart girl?

- I know.

- Wait.

So I have to learn things

about things and stuff?

About topics?

- Can I even do that?

- Yeah. You can do that.

You can do anything

you set your mind to, Shelley.

But you can't even tell

I have b*obs.

Well, don't you think I should show him

a little something?

Give him a little philanthropy?

Shelley, good job.

You used "philanthropy". That was fun.

You know what? You're still too sexy.

Nat, what if she wears your glasses?

Good idea. Okay, here.

Try these.

Oh, my God. Natalie, you should really

go to an eye doctor.

That's actually

how I got those glasses.

So have you called Oliver yet?

Yes. He didn't seem too excited

to be going out on a second date...

but he said yes, so here goes.

All right. Now remember,

just be yourself, only different.

- Don't use the word "elucidate".

- Pretty much entirely different.

- You know what I'm talking about?

- Tone down the sexuality.

Talk about politics and religion.

That's always a really good first-date topic.

- Don't stare at him too much.

- Don't brush your teeth.

- Bye, Shell.

- Bye.

- Don't forget to call, Shelley.

- Say you're nauseous.

A nuclear nonproliferation treaty

should ease tension in Asia.

Well, that's my thought.

- Are you okay? With your...

- h, yes.

These glasses don't make me dizzy

or anything.

Elucidate on that.

Well, you seem to know a lot

about North Korea and the Middle East.

It sounds like you really read the paper.

Oh, all the time.

I am just nuts about the paper.

So, have you given any thought

to who you might be voting for?

I'm not sure yet.

I definitely won't listen

to what Simon says.

He is just so mean.

I usually always agree

with Paula and Randy.

Oh, you meant

the President of the United States.

The United States of America.

U.S.A. For short.

Fifty states, if you include Hawaii.

Most people do. I'm definitely pro-Hawaii.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, thank God.

Can I get you anything else?

No, I think we're good, thanks.

Hey, I know where I know you from.

You were in Playboy.

"Girls with GEDs," right?

Oh, heck, no!

No!

Those girls are all b*obs and no brains.

I'm too busy in a library,

reading books with dust on them.

How...

Sorry. My mistake, then. Sorry.

No.

Playboy. God. Can you believe it?

I'm still hungry,

even though we just ate.

Oh, my gosh,

I can't believe I did that.

- Sorry, let me take care of that.

- It's okay. It's okay.

Are those index cards?

No. Index... They're napkins.

They're not index cards

with writing on them.

Let me get some more napkins.

That's okay, really. I think...

Sweet balls!

I can't believe that happened.

I'm sorry about all the gravity.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry, Oliver.

I'm sorry.

I need to go.

Come on, Puffin,

you've been in here for days.

Let's watch a movie,

it'll make you feel better.

I don't get it.

Why would Shelley just leave?

It's for the best.

She wasn't happy.

I used to hear her crying

in her room late at night.

I think I'd like to be alone

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