The Hungover Games Page #4

Do I look okay?

Yeah.

Youre cool.

I am cool, thank you.

This is napping

cool time for me.

(GROANS)

This is a terrible pillow.

Sleep sounds good.

Hi.

Lve missed you.

Lve missed you, too, Katnip.

Lm only 17.

What?

Nothing.

I have something to show you.

ED:
Yes.

Yes.

No!

Why?

Hey, are you having

a wet hallucination, Ed?

Yeah, you know,

a nocturnal emission?

God, just when I thought

I couldnt hate you any more.

Hey, ease up.

We didnt choose

this way of life.

Yeah,

its no picnic.

You know how hard it is

to motorboat yourself?

God, please dont do it.

This is the worst

wet dream of my life.

See?

Zach,

how can you even ruin b*obs?

Hey, does my mouth

look like a nipple?

Uh...

It kinda does.

Okay, this is getting weird.

Maybe we should wake him up.

Okay, okay, okay.

On my count.

One, two, three!

BOTH:
Boom!

Bearded boobies!

(SHOUTING)

How long have

we been out, man?

Couple days.

Lve been licking

your wounds.

What?

Lve been

watching you guys sleep,

nursing you back to health.

Scrotal touching

was just for

medicinal purposes.

We saw those

Swagger Jackers

sting you, man. A lot.

Yeah,

but their venom has no effect

if you have no

swagger to jack.

Hold on a second.

What the hell

were you doing

with that gang, man?

You were gonna

help them kill us?

You guys, I dont do

well with peer pressure.

I didnt really

want to murder you.

But you would have?

Oh, come on!

Lm sorry!

I had a moment of weakness!

I nursed you back to health.

Dont you feel swaggy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really do, actually.

Its because of this.

Swagger Balm.

lngredients, aloe,

palm oil,

and Kanye West extract?

Tastes just like

the real thing.

(GAGGING)

WOMAN:
Hey, boys.

We thought

we smelt some swagger.

Puts the rocks down, buddy.

(WHOOPING)

I just wanna get

sloppy drunk and slutty!

Way too late for that,

sweetheart.

I get the blondes.

Okay.

Thats rich!

So then I divorced

that a**hole

and took half of everything.

Thats how I got

my lucky charm.

Is it that ring?

Lts lovely.

Lm not talking

about that.

Lm talking about

this.

(LAUGHING)

Is that a f***ing ball?

Neat!

I told you, when I

took half of everything,

I meant half of everything.

You girls are

such a treat.

Great!

Heres to good friends!

And you two b*tches.

Well, well, well,

if it isnt the popular girls.

Nice blood outfit, honey,

but thats worse

than pleather.

What is that,

O positive?

Awful.

So last season.

What is that, gas?

You got that on

my Gucci dress!

B*tch!

What are you doing?

Do you know how

much this cost?

Wait, I just wanna

see where this is going!

Zach, lets go!

Game, set...

No! No!

...match!

(ALL SCREAMING)

WOMAN:
My tits are

gonna melt!

You wanted to see me,

President Snowbama?

Tell me,

have you ever

been hungover?

Why, yes.

Lm actually

hungover right now.

Never pass out

in a crowded bar.

Yes, they shaved

a dick on my face, sir.

These hungover contestants,

people seem to

care about them.

Yes?

Is that

a bad thing, sir?

The Games are a distraction

so people wont notice

the crap we peddle out.

Sequels, remakes, spoofs.

When people start to care,

bad things happen.

Ratings go down,

beards get shaved.

Lve got it

under control, sir.

Its a kitty cat.

Cause youre

a little p*ssy.

Thank you,

Mr President.

(CANNON BLAST)

Sh*t! Any one of

these cannon blasts

could be Doug.

We dont even know

if hes still alive.

Hey, lm scared, too,

but the one thing

thats not gonna get us

back to that gay wedding

is sitting here

crying about it.

There should only be

a handful of contestants left.

We can do this, man.

You guys.

Hey,

since were standing around

sharing things,

lve got a doozy.

What the hell

did you do, Zach?

You know the air fresheners

that I plugged in?

Best thing you ever did.

They were delightful.

Well, it wasnt

Lilac or Morning Mist

or Brazilian Breeze.

It was Midnight Berry.

What the sh*t is

Midnight Berry?

From the novels.

Its aromatic.

Whats so bad

about that?

Well,

I didnt finish my thought.

Its aromatic,

poisonous and lethal.

What the f*** is

wrong with you?

Are you kidding me?

I think you guys

are getting

hung up on the fact

that its poisonous

and lethal.

They smell fresh.

Smell.

Jesus!

F***, man!

God!

(GROANS)

Yeah, it says right

here on the label,

May cause transportation

to futuristic dystopia.

May.

Youre the reason were here,

you sausage-fingered f***!

This is all your fault!

Hey,

you said you liked the scent!

Because I like

floral scents!

Well, there, he said it!

So now I forgive you guys

and we can move forward!

I... Ooh!

I hope you die out here.

No.

You f***ed up.

That was harsh.

The sloth is heading towards

the soup pot. Over.

MAN:
10-4,

squaw without bra.

Nice.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Real nice.

Stupid Midnight Berry!

Why does something so fragrant

have to be so bad?

(SIGHS)

Thank God, thank God.

Thank God.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Get outta the way.

Get outta the way.

Yeah, thats more like it.

There.

I thought ld never say this,

but Daddy wants blue balls.

MAN OVER PA:
Attention,

everyone. Attention.

We have some new

rules for you kids.

From this point forward

contestants of colour

will be granted

special consideration.

Yes, lm talking about

affirmative action, people.

Zach!

It's the 21st century...

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Whatever you say.

I think I speak for all of us

when I ask you to

give us some privacy.

With pleasure.

WOMAN:
Boys,

have at him.

Nice weave, b*tch.

Her hair is all natural.

Take that back!

You wanna kill her,

you gotta kill me first.

(SCREAMS)

Blue scalp.

Rarest of scalps.

Your turn, dumpy.

Yeah!

Gratuitous nudity

no match for

gratuitous violence.

Farewell, my princess.

(CRYING)

Maybe just one more squeeze.

Go in a bit tighter.

What the hell is he doing?

Nothing on three.

I dont know.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Vivian, would you

please get IT in here?

Oy vey.

What up, b*tches?

You fix computers?

Hell yeah!

I may be sociopathic gangster,

but lm still Asian,

motherfuckers!

What?

No, no, no,

I really dont think

you should be

messing around with...

Finished!

Excellent.

Thank you.

Were back up,

people.

Oh, come on, Zach!

That not cool.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

You may leave now.

What, I get no tip?

No.

I take cash, credit,

no cheque.

But lll take

a bump of coke.

All right,

get the hell out of here.

Chop-chop!

(SIGHS)

What to do, what to do?

You wanna

get the ratings up?

I got one word for you,

bromance.

Thats not a real word.

You wanna give

these districts a story?

Well, you need to

keep these guys together.

Not separate.

Hmm.

I got one word for you,

heroin.

Heroin is the one word?

No.

Lm just really

looking for some.

You holding?

Lm sorry.

I got one word for you,

dicksauce.

Dicksauce? Dicksauce

is the one word?

You cant buy that sh*t.

Well, thank you.

Your time here has

been so valuable.

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