The Hungover Games Page #5

(SHOUTS)

Bromance. Hmm.

(PANTING)

Hey, hey, hey.

Is that water?

F*** it,

lm thirsty as hell!

Dont put your mouth on that.

Its gross.

Do you think

its filtered?

Really?

I only drink bottled water.

Didnt you just have

sh*t in your mouth?

All right! Fine!

I didnt intentionally

have sh*t in my mouth.

It tastes a lot

like blood, though.

(SPITTING)

What?

MAN OVER PA:
Check, check.

Hot mic. Hot mic.

Attention, everyone.

Attention.

There has been

a change in the rules.

Yes, from now on,

multiple victors

may be crowned

ifthey survive the Games

and share a long-standing bond

of exceptional male bromance.

They can do that?

Yes, I am allowed to do this.

I can do whatever

the f*** I want,

lm a motherfucking Gamesman!

Noted.

So good luck to you all

and may the probabilities

be ever to your liking.

So that means we can

all get out of this alive.

All we have to do

is find Doug and

Zach! Zach!

Zach! Zach!

BRADLEY:
Were sorry, buddy!

Zach!

Where are you, man?

You dropped your glasses.

Hey, quick question.

If they can just change

the rules at any time,

why dont they just pick

who they want to win

and make it happen?

This is confusing to me.

Dont worry about it, man.

Its just a plot hole.

Hold on a sec.

What?

Zach said they

used these birds

to find each other

in the book.

Like by whistling to them.

Hmm.

Worth a shot.

(WHISTLING)

Yeah, that worked.

Shut up.

All right, one more time.

Damn it.

Sure, lll help.

(BOTH WHISTLING)

TALKING JAY:

Suck my bird cock!

Come on!

Really?

Marco! Marco!

We dont have

time for this!

Marco!

Why couldnt you

just say, Polo?

There you are.

Listen,

not that I give a hoot,

but your fat friend Zachs

about a half mile away

from here with Katnip.

How do you know?

A little birdie told me.

And by a little birdie,

I mean a chickadee

who gave me a beakjob.

You want to find

this overgrown garden gnome?

Yeah. And Katnip.

And stop f***ing yelling, man.

TALKING JAY:
Anyway,

thats why lm not allowed

to go near schools any more.

Good to know.

Yeah!

You guys!

Oh, my God!

I missed you guys so much!

Yeah. Okay.

Wheres Katnip?

Shes over there.

Youve got the talking jay!

Sorry, Bradley, but this guy

just made me crap

down your shirt.

Everything he says

is so foul!

Yeah,

he says disgusting stuff.

Come on!

Where are we going? F***.

Ooh.

Maybe I should tell her lm...

No, no, I should not.

(SIGHS)

Wow, yeah,

this is not...

This isnt pervy at all.

Yes, it is.

Hey! Perverted ass cracker!

Hey!

Trees are nice here.

Ed!

Oh, my God, youre okay!

Hey!

Oh...

Um, that is a respect boner.

A boner achieved

out of respect.

Um...

You know lm 17,

right?

La, la, la!

What? I cant hear you!

It just got real loud in here!

Hey, guys, hey.

Hi.

No sign of Doug?

Nope. Nothing.

Wait a minute.

He came with your district.

You were the last one

to see him at the arena.

Do you have any idea

where he went?

Well, do you

feel like telling us?

Okay, lve had

about enough of this.

Hey, hey, hey,

come on!

Thats like

a triple hate crime.

Hey.

Theyre just looking

for their friend.

Do you want to tell them?

For me?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

You got Norsed!

Sh*t!

What the hell is

wrong with you?

Oh, sh*t!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

That took a while.

Who wants to go

get margaritas?

What the frick

do we do now?

I dont know,

Zach,

its been a while since

lve had to battle

the God of Thunder!

Hey, blondie!

Pick on someone your own size!

(CHOKING)

Yeah! Nice shot, Ed!

I just killed a god.

Did you guys see...

Oh, sh*t.

Hey.

You okay? Come on, wake up.

Youre a doctor, right?

You can help her.

Lm a dentist.

Check her teeth.

ZACH:

# Ave Maria

ZACH:

# Ave Maria

# Gratia plena #

You guys wanna

hear some Wu-Tang?

She was so young.

What a waste.

There, buddy.

She had so much ahead for her.

Her first kiss.

Her first handjob.

Her first bukkake.

Unless you guys wanna

give her a send-off.

No.

Wow.

Shes at peace.

Or in some dark,

endless abyss.

Wait.

We need to pay our respects.

With a salute.

Two in the pink.

One in the stink.

ALL:
Forever.

Can I ask you

a serious question?

Yeah, anything, man.

Which ones the pink

and which ones the stink?

Because theyre

both pinkish.

And they both stink.

Yeah.

Remember when I told you

to ask me anything?

Forget I said that.

You dont know, do you?

MAN OVER PA:
Hello. Attention,

everyone. Attention.

It is my profound pleasure

to invite you all to

a feast!

Feast?

And this will be no

ordinary occasion.

We know that you

all want something

and you want it bad.

And we are aiming

to be very generous hosts.

Now, there will be

some weapons available,

but I strongly suggest

that you all BYO weapon.

Because I don't

wanna get blamed

ifwe run out

like the last time.

That was embarrassing.

Oh!

I also really need

someone to bring ice.

I had a sign-up

sheet at the Reaping.

Nobody f***ing chose ice.

Whats the big deal?

Come on, somebody.

Be a rock star. Own it.

Ice, out.

Has anyone seen

a 7-Eleven out here?

Attention, everyone.

Attention.

We are looking for

a competitor named

Harry Ballsonya.

Harry Ballsonya?

Please report to

the control room immediately.

I repeat, Harry Ballsonya.

This will be the...

(ALL GIGGLING)

Oh, damn it!

Who did this?

Making me

look like a f***ing a**hole!

(SHUSHING)

We really should

have brought ice.

Dont worry about it.

Hey!

Is that a cell phone?

Maybe we can use it

to call the wedding.

Stall them or something.

Lm on it.

Hey!

I wouldnt do that.

See those lumps of dirt?

Dog poops.

Landmines.

If you guys are

gonna get through this,

you better watch your step.

Check it out.

Hey, when you said,

you guys,

are you not

coming with us?

I need to go find

Tonto and kill him,

but this is for you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, if you...

If you just wait,

well go with you.

We can protect you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, youre serious.

Yeah.

Look, the only reason

I dont want you

guys coming with me

is because you would

completely f*** it up.

No offence.

Oh.

Okay.

I really do love you.

Frankly, lm surprised

youre still alive.

Okay, got it.

Bye, Ed.

Yup, bye, Katnip.

Be safe.

Yeah.

Try not to die.

Sorry, buddy.

Shell be back.

Mm-hmm.

Although unless

she has a birthday

in the next couple of hours,

shell still be 17.

Yeah, got it.

I know were in

a futuristic dystopia

and everything,

but jailbait is jailbait,

brother.

Yeah, what dating site did you

get her from? J-Bait?

Get it?

Not now, Zach.

But good one.

Hey! Hey!

What the f***

are you doing?

What Katnip would do.

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, lm good.

Oh, sh*t.

God damn it.

What?

What?

Oh.

Hi.

You mind if I just

grab a weapon?

(SCREAMS)

Lts too bad you

couldnt help your friend.

A generic straight man.

What was his name?

Doug.

And hes not a straight man.

Well, hes probably long dead.

And soon,

youll be long dead, too.

(SCREAMING)

This is for

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