The Hungover Games Page #6

threatening my friend!

This is for being

a b*tch to me in the woods!

This is for calling

my hometown Podunk!

This is for not

returning my sexts!

And this is for

ruining the prom!

Yeah!

Holy f***ing sh*t.

You just brutally

murdered a young girl.

Yeah.

And the weird thing is

I thought it would

take more hits.

But I guess you

live and learn.

Or at least, she doesnt.

Am I right?

Am I right?

Yeah, whatever you say.

Of course.

All right, look,

we can still get

out of this thing.

We just gotta get

this bromance thing

back in gear.

Oh, be careful!

Oh, Jesus.

If you were Doug,

where would you be?

Maybe these guys

can help us find him.

Hey, little buddies.

How are my favourite

imitation puppets doing?

Oh, f***!

My hammie, again!

Kick his ass!

Lets f*** him up!

Wait, wait!

I thought you puppets were

the good guys! What the f***?

We used to be.

Yeah, but now weve

stared death in the face.

Weve seen

the depths of human suffering.

And were already

dead inside.

Yeah.

Thats awful.

My God, lm sorry.

Come on, you b*tch!

Yeah, you scared coward!

Youre not man

enough to f*** with me!

You wouldnt last two

minutes in my world,

you b*tch!

Is that the Mike Tyson rant?

F*** you.

F*** you, you ho.

Lll f*** your ass

in front of everybody!

Yeah,

thats definitely the Tyson.

Enough talk!

Kill them!

(ALL CLAMOURING)

(SCREAMING)

A mine is

a terrible thing to waste.

That was actually

a pretty good one, Zach.

Yeah?

Yeah.

At least that was

just my reader copy.

Guys, a little help?

You four-eyed f***.

You see this coming?

(SCREAMS)

F*** me!

Right in the smarts!

Thats painful!

But also hilarious.

(MOANING)

Thats my girl!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, youre hurt!

You should see the other guy.

You killed Tonto?

Yeah.

Come on, we need to

get you in the shade.

Can you walk?

Lts okay, I got you.

I got you, I got you.

Move! Move!

Lts okay.

You all right?

Youre gonna be okay.

Its okay, I got you.

I got you.

I got you. There you go.

Youre gonna be okay.

Its all right,

its not that bad.

(SHUSHING)

Ed, its okay.

No, no, no, its not okay!

You need help.

Ed, one of us had to die.

Well, I wish it was me.

Me, too.

What?

Sorry.

That slipped out. Sorry.

Yeah, that came out real fast.

Its okay.

Um...

Speaking of,

since...

Since this is it for me,

do you want to see them?

See what?

My b*obs, dummy.

I...

I would. Very much.

Okay.

I know youve been

waiting for this.

Pretty nice, huh?

Unbelievable.

Wow.

No tan lines.

Unbelievable.

But if hed move a little bit,

I could see them better.

Ed?

Yeah, yeah.

The light is starting to fade.

Will you look

deep into my eyes

as I fade away?

Absolutely, Katnip.

Ed, up here.

Yeah? Lm sorry. I love them.

I mean, I love you.

I love all of you.

I know.

Goodbye.

Lll...

lll see you soon enough.

Okay.

Wait,

whats that supposed to mean?

Katnip?

Hey, do you know

something I dont?

Am I next?

(CANNON BLAST)

Yeah, shes dead,

thatd be weird.

Thatd be weird. Lm sorry.

I think its time

we made the call.

(PHONE RINGING)

Tracey, its Bradley.

MAN:
I don't know who you

are or what you want.

F***, I think I dialled

the wrong number.

What I do have are

a particular set ofskills.

Lfyou give my daughter

back to me now,

thatll be the end of it.

But ifyou don't...

Okay.

I will...

(ENDS CALL)

Crazy.

Definitely not Tracey.

Let me try again.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Tracey, its Bradley.

Hey, man,

whats wrong?

I dont know.

The first girl

I ever loved just died.

I watched you murder a girl

with your bare hands.

Were as good as dead.

And the worst part is

we lost our best friend.

Thats whats wrong.

I cant help

but accept some

responsibility for this.

Yeah, no, I blame you

for the majority of it.

Seriously? I mucked

up the bachelor party.

I got us stuck

in some weird

alternate universe.

This whole thing

just went right

down the tubes!

I didnt even get

to be a part of the

Human effing Centipede.

What did you just say?

I dont care

how awkward it is,

sharing a gastric system is

a life experience.

I could have

scrapbooked about it.

No, no, before that.

This whole thing

went down the tubes.

Doug!

Are you having

a flashback montage?

The tubes! I know

where Doug is! Bradley!

Where are you guys?

What's going on?

Bradley!

Bradley? Bradley?

Bradley? Bradley?

Hey, Tracey! Lts Ed!

Ed! Ed, what in

the H-E-double hockey sticks

is going on?

Were gonna go pick

up Doug right now,

so don't you worry

your pretty little

man face about it.

Okay, but we gotta go.

Well see you real soon, bye!

What the f***, man?

I know where Doug is!

Come on! Go!

Lets go,

lets go!

Hello? Hello?

This is it!

Dougs tube never came up!

What?

Well, if hes not down there,

where the hell is he?

Okay, lets face it.

Dougs not in the tube.

There was no sign

of him in the arena.

He is gone.

That is a fact.

You f***ing idiots!

(ALL GROANING)

God f***ing damn it!

Jesus!

That bush is angry!

Lm not that bush,

you bearded piece

of afterbirth!

Lts me! Doug!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Shut up! All you guys,

just shut the f*** up!

You guys forget me

all the f***ing time!

In Vegas!

In this f***ed-up

alternate universe!

Yeah.

Lm barely in

the goddamn movie trailer!

Lts true, I dont even

think hes on the poster.

I never get any punchlines,

and you keep leaving me

in enclosed f***ing places!

You think maybe

we can talk to you

about this at sea level?

Not this time.

This time,

I get the last laugh.

Jeez, dude!

Wait, wait, wait!

Youre right!

Youre right! Were sorry.

We haven't given

you your proper due.

You are the perfect blend

of handsome and humourless.

Without you,

there are no jokes.

Hell, without you,

there is no us.

You may be a gay man,

but you are

the best damn straight man

weve ever met.

Ah!

I could never

murder you guys.

(ALL SIGH)

You!

Wait here one second.

(ALL GRUNTING)

You guys!

That worked great!

Lm so glad

youre alive, man!

Bradley, bring it in!

You guys,

this is just perfect.

Nothing could

possibly ruin this moment.

MAN OVER PA:
Hello out there,

everybody.

Hey, remember that earlier

"bromance revision"

I was telling you guys about?

Well,

you can forget about that.

Theres only

gonna be one winner

of the Hungover Games.

So if youre

a foursome of dudes

who recently bro-conciled,

you're gonna have

to kill each other.

You're just gonna have

to fight to the death.

Lm sorry,

I dont make up the rules.

Wait, I do.

I do make up the rules.

Suckers!

Well, good luck and

may the odds be forever

in your blah-blah-blah,

et cetera, et cetera.

This is gonna be good.

Nope. No way.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Wait,

why are all these weapons

shaped like d*cks?

All right, listen, guys.

Listen up.

Lets talk about this.

I cant die now.

Lm about to get married.

I have a wife

and kids at home.

I just lost Katnip!

She was my everything.

She was also

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