The In-Laws Page #5

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What happens to you?

I'll manage.|I've been in tougher jams before.

Back when Kennedy was president,|you saw the picture in the office?

- Yes, I did.|- He was crazy about me.

- I was very impressed.|- Honey, do you have the check?

Let me ask you about that.

What did that inscription mean,|"At least we tried"?

Bay of Pigs.|That referred to the Bay of Pigs.

You were involved|with the Bay of Pigs?

Involved? That was my idea.

I'll get this, Shel.

The Bay of Pigs.

You win some, you lose some.

- You gonna be home in about an hour?|- Why?

I wanna get that engraving|out of your house.

What engraving?

Last night, I left one|in your basement.

- An engraving from the bag?|- In my haste.

- In my basement?|- Why are you getting so excited?

Why am I getting so excited?

The central piece of evidence|in the biggest federal crime...

...since the atomic spy case|sits in my basement.

You wanna know|why I'm getting excited!

Go back to your lunches!|Do I meddle in your business?

I want that thing|out of my house!

I'm getting to that.|Sit down. Finish your soup.

I don't wanna sit down!|I don't want my soup!

- You hardly touched it.|- Stop with the soup!

Relax.

Now, the thing...|We'll call it the thing, okay, Shel?

I mean the engraving. The thing'll|be out of your house in two hours.

A man calling himself D. Tracy will|come to your house wearing galoshes.

- Give him the thing.|- Let me explain something.

If that thing isn't out of my house|in two hours, so help me God...

I understand your feelings, believe me.|But it's gonna be gone by 5:00.

Years from now,|we'll look back on this thing...

...sitting around a Christmas tree,|and have a big laugh.

I gotta run, Sheldon.|Remember, D. Tracy, galoshes.

Complete stranger.|He sat down here next to me.

Never saw him before in my life.

I wish it was absurd,|but it's a very serious matter.

This is ridiculous.|I feel like Bonnie and Clyde.

Nothing else in the basement.

How long has your husband|practiced dentistry?

- He's had his own practice since 1960.|- Always in New York?

That's right. He shared a practice with|Dr. Weingart for two years in Brooklyn...

...then opened his own practice|in Manhattan.

He was sergeant-at-arms|at the Long Island Dentist Guild.

Always kept regular hours?

He comes through that door|at 7:00 every single evening.

Any tax trouble?

None. He overpays.

His accountant tells him to take|all these deductions, but he never does.

Could you tell me what this is all about?|What's with the engraving?

That's what we'd like to know.

If everything you've told us is accurate,|there's a very simple explanation.

This is so insane.|When you meet my father...

He's the least likely person|to be mixed up in anything.

BMW pulling in.

That's my husband.|Talk to him yourself.

Holy sh*t!

- BMW pulling out!|- Let's go!

What's going on here?

I'm gonna tear|his goddamn heart out!

Come on. Let's go.

God, Mom, what is this?

- Of course.|- What?

- Who was in the basement last night?|- Who?

Jesus, Mr. Ricardo.

That crazy bastard! He's involved|your poor father in something.

I'll kill him!|I swear to God, I'll kill him!

Oh, my God!

Watch out. Come on!

Look out!

Well, where the hell is he?

Check the corner!

Beautiful job, isn't it?

That'll be 30 bucks.

You can pay me,|my dad's having supper.

It's worth it. Man, believe me,|that's a quality paint job.

And it never wears out,|and you can't paint over it.

Do you have a phone?

- What?|- Phone! Phone!

Over there.

- Medium-rare all right for everybody?|- Well for me.

You asked for it, you got it.

- It's nice having Vince around.|- It took a wedding to do it.

Well worth it.|I'm having a wonderful time.

What do you think|of Tommy's in-laws?

Delightful, wonderful,|wonderful people.

I had this instant chemical reaction|that these were really special people.

I'll get it.

No, I'm expecting a call from Zurich.|You watch the chow.

Give my regards to the Swiss.

I have flames on my car.|I have flames on my car!

Shel, you're very excited.|I don't know what you're saying.

Who?

Holy Christ.

They chased you?

Shel, I don't understand what|you're saying about these flames.

No! No, don't go home|under any circumstances.

If it's really the Treasury,|you'll get arrested.

Well, what do I do, Vince? I tell you|sincerely, I do not wanna go to jail.

I don't wanna get arrested.

Shel, what I would very much like|for you to do, the minute you hang up...

...is drive like a bat out of hell|down to McGraw Airfield in New Jersey.

It's near Lodi, off Route 46.|I'll be waiting.

Airfield? You're going where?|Scranton, Pennsylvania? What for?

I'll be gone a couple of hours,|if you wanna join me.

Yeah, but what about|the Treasury Department?

Don't tell me not to get excited!|They're chasing me all over New Jersey!

Come with me to Scranton. By the time|you get back, this thing will be resolved.

The hamburgers are getting cold.

Shel, the end is in sight.|I assure you.

Now, take off.|McGraw Airfield. Route 46.

There are signs, just follow them.|Right.

Now, come on, let's get going.

That's wrong.

I got it now. Okay.

Here we go.

The ocean. It's over the ocean|to Scranton, Pennsylvania?

- Why are we flying over the ocean?|- Shel...

...that's what I wanted|to talk to you about.

There's been a slight change|in our flight plan.

We're not going to Scranton?

We're going to Scranton, but we wanna|make a quick stop somewhere else first.

- Where? Where do we have to stop?|- Tijada.

- What's Tijada?|- It's a tiny island, south of Honduras.

- Honduras?|- Right. I think you'll find it fascinating.

Very lovely.

Isn't he a sweetheart?

If Chiang Kai-shek|ever made it to the mainland...

...Billy and Bing would have been|co-anchormen on the news in China.

That's how beloved they were.

You're furious at me, right?

The amazing thing is how grateful you're|gonna be to me when this is all over.

I'm serious. From here on in,|it's strictly routine.

We're out of the country.|We're home free.

From here on in, all that happens...|You interested in this?

All that happens is that we're met at the|airport by Sen. Jesus Braunschweiger.

He's a corrupt member|of the Tijadan Legislature.

He checks out the engraving.

We go to the hotel, we wash up,|we have a couple of beers.

Late afternoon, we see Gen. Garcia,|head of the Latin American syndicate.

We hand him the engravings,|he hands us 20 million bucks.

Bingo, we got him red-handed.

Then what happens,|another little shootout?

Shootout? No.

You've seen too many movies, Shel.

What he said.

Jesus.

Vince.

- He's a crook?|- They're all crooks down here.

This one don't make|any bones about it.

Welcome to Tijada.

Hit the dirt!

Is he dead?

If he's alive, he's putting on|a hell of an act.

Roll over!

They're taking off without us!

- That's standard procedure.|- What?

- Gotta make a run for his car!|- We'll never make it!

We'll never make it lying here,|that's for sure!

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