The Inbetweeners Page #5

Oi, baby, you stood me up!

Ah, didn't wait long enough, sweetheart.

Come on, kiss me.

I'm working, darling.

I love your b*obs.

What?!

What gives you the right to touch me,

you f***ing prick?

Wha...?

Sorry, I think he might've had

a little too much of the old drink.

I am sick of every d*ckhead

thinking he's got touching rights,

just cos I smiled at him.

It's my f***ing job, you cretin!

Are you on the blob?

Sexy. I like it.

- No, Jay. Time for bed.

- F*** that!

You two can bum yourselves to death

on the sofa bed.

I'm going to get another drink.

Jay, don't be insane.

You're too drunk already.

I'm on f***ing holiday.

You can't be too drunk!

- You coming, Neil?

- Nah, I like it in there.

And not sleeping for two nights is pretty

much the same as not sleeping for one.

Right, fine.

F***ing knobheads.

How was your chat?

Amazing. Carli is here, Will. That's what

she was worried about, us being apart.

That's why we split up.

But we're not apart,

because we're both here.

I just need to get on that boat.

Actually, can one of youse help me?

I think she might be a two-man job.

What happened to your leg?

- Oh, I got a little bit run over.

- "A little bit run over"?!

The next morning,

I was woken up...

by what sounded like

Bigfoot having an asthma attack.

Simon...

Simon!

Christ, it's like a sauna in here.

Have you got any water?

What the f*** is that noise?

I think it's Neil.

Oh, no, not the dinner lady

from last night!

I cannot understand a thing you say.

Spunk all over me bastard tits.

Well, it's her or Johnny Vegas.

F***ing smack it!

Smack it, you little prick!

Is that all you've got?

- Shall I bite it?

- Interesting question.

This is beyond creepy.

Twist it right fookin' off!

OK, I'm getting out of here!

Harder!

How can I have spent 100 euros?

Holy sh*t,

I only budgeted 15 euros a day!

Great,

so I spunked all my money...

- in one night.

- All right!

Oh, Jesus, Neil!

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's on the way down.

- Don't you feel bad about Nicole?

- Who?

Nicole, the girlfriend

you've just cheated on?

Oh, no, no, cos we weren't kissing

and only the tip went in.

Any more than the tip is cheating, and I

would never do that, cos I've got ethics.

- Right...

- Anyone want breakfast?

No, I'm going to go

to the Palace Hotel.

It's where those girls we met

are staying.

Well, at least you've found

someone to stalk,

other than Carli.

Ow! Not me, Neil!

Lucy reckons their rep can still get boat

party tickets, actually.

Yeah, I'll come. Alison was nice. Neil?

Can't, I had a nightmare.

I left my trunks in England, didn't I?

Wear your Calvins.

They're practically the same.

- Can I, Will?

- Um, yeah, I suppose.

- And can I bring a ball?

- Yes, Neil. Yes, you can.

Cool. Oh, have you guys seen Jay?

Sh*t, no, not since last night.

No, I mean have you seen him?

He's over there.

So Jay had slept

face down in the dirt.

But I'd woken up listening to Neil

getting sucked off.

As far as I was concerned, he won.

Urgh, ohhh!

Face...!

Yeah, you've got something on your face.

It appears Jay's slept in an ants' nest.

Argh! Pain!

Tongue...

It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.

Not now she's been fed.

Hey, lover?

What the f*** was that?!

Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel

was nicer than our hotel.

There are North Korean prison camps

which are nicer than our hotel.

But, like a North Korean prison camp,

it was overcrowded,

so we had nowhere to sit.

- What about there?

- They've got towels on them, Neil.

- So?

- That means people have bagsied them.

- We can't take those.

- F*** that!

- No, Jay, we can't!

- Watch me!

It's probably just a load of Krauts

that got down early in the morning

to reserve 'em.

That towel's got Finding Nemo on it.

What, so Nazis can't like Disney too?

- Jay!

- Besides, I really need a lie down.

My head's more f***ed

than Neil's dad's arsehole.

Jay, please!

Jay and Neil were off to,

as they put it,

"check out the chicas".

But I had a serious problem.

In the absence of my mother,

or a teacher,

I needed help with my sunblock.

Simon, will you do my back?

- No.

- No?!

- I don't want to touch you.

- Unbelievable.

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Look all right,

I'll do it with one finger.

Thank you.

You've got too much here.

And here. I'll scrape it off.

OK, but don't try and be funny and draw

a cock on my back or something.

No, course not.

Right, all done.

See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

No, that was fine.

I was really enjoying my book,

blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn

phallus burning itself onto my skin.

Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble

with his emergency funds.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, it's just that 20 euros.

Ay-oh, Jay, here we go,

we've been spotted.

Seen 'em.

Look cool.

Manchester.

Manchester!

- Who's this little twat?

- You from Manchester?

You like Manchester?

- Yeah, yeah. Near Manchester.

- No, you aren't.

Shut up, Neil,

the birds are loving it.

- Goal!

- Goal!

Goal to Manchester! Yeah!

No. Manchester, down.

Yeah, hilarious.

Now, get out the way.

Whoa!

Right. You're f***ing dead,

you little sh*t!

Mate, just leave it, the chicas

are looking, just laugh it off.

No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

Oh! Alison. Hello!

Hello. You know you've got

a spunking cock on your back?

What?

Oh, no.

Thanks, Simon, very funny,

very mature. So I've been lying here

with a cock on my back, have I?

Not for the first time.

I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes

you feel less self-conscious.

It would, actually.

We'd make quite the pair.

You've got a really good spot here.

Yes, Jay, um...

sort of, um...

Did he use some of his boyish charm?

In a way, yes.

I think I might start drinking again.

Anyone fancy joining me?

Um, yes, I will!

Oh.

Lucky me

Oh, I'm knackered.

- Fishbowl hangover?

- No. Nicos was over last night.

Does not stop talking.

No, we were having sex.

Right.

Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable

when I mention sex?

No! No, it's good,

it's great that you're so...

sexually active.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

- What's the best sex you've had, Will?

- Well, um... hard to say, really.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh! I don't like to sex and tell.

Don't be boring, just tell me.

Look, I'm going to level with you,

I have never...

put my penis in a lady.

That's all right, you're a virgin,

that's cool.

It's definitely not cool.

If anything, it's famously uncool.

Well, it's cute, then.

Oh, God, that's even worse.

- You're funny, Will.

- Well, that's something.

Can I get a girl into bed for sex

just by making her laugh?

Course you can.

Wow! Great.

If she's a clinical moron.

Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

What a welcome.

Nice to see you too.

Yeah. Good. Now, can you

still get boat party tickets?

I'd have thought so,

I'd just have to go and find the rep.

So are you coming along, then?

Yeah, course. It'll be amazing.

Great.

Cos Carli's here. In Malia.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes