The Inbetweeners Page #7

I'm an adult!

James is doing me a favour,

what are you doing, eh?

Here you are.

- You'll be right back, yeah?

- Course I will.

I'll see you very soon.

Thanks, James.

Thanks so much, man!

Yeah. Cheers, Abdul, good luck, mate.

James isn't coming back, is he?

Don't think so.

Brilliant.

So we made Simon some makeshift pants

and headed home to get changed.

Simon,

- please, don't fart in my T-shirt.

- Sorry.

In just 24 hours, Malia had pretty much

broken me and Simon,

so in a way I had to admire

Jay and Neil

as they rolled up the sleeves

on their offensive T-shirts

and dived straight back in.

This place is mental.

It's decadent, Neil,

that's what they call it.

This is what we came here for.

You wouldn't find those other

two muppets in a place like this.

They'd just sh*t themselves

and run away.

And now all the way

from Privilege in Ibiza,

we have a very, very special act.

It's probably some fit dancer

who'll take one look at me...

and wanna bang me all night.

Yeah, and we've got the best view.

I bet you'll be able to see

right up the snatch from here.

This is it, Neil,

this is a f***ing holiday.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

Fernando!

Must be like a cage fighter

or martial-arts type thing.

Whoa!

Is this a bit gay?

No, it's decadent.

Let's have a big cheer for Fernando,

the master of self-fellatio!

I don't know if I like decadent things.

Jay and Neil never told us

how close they came to Fernando's cock,

but they did say they could smell it.

And they were still having

more fun than us.

Last two, shall we pretend

they're pudding?

All right, fellas?

Romantic dinner, is it?

I've just had a 'mare, right?

Some massive body-building geezer

came running out the bushes at me,

God knows why. Anyway,

I've lamped him, he's gone flying...

I think I might

have killed him.

OK, well, it's been lovely

to chat, Richard...

- Can you lend us 50 quid?

- Um, no.

Simple and clear. 30?

- No, we're going.

- Are we? Where?

Terrible bar I know.

See you later, Richard.

Here, look, it's that James bloke

Carli's sucking off.

Oh, yeah.

See, now that looks like a proper laugh.

Neil, I think it's time the Pussay Patrol

recruited some new members.

You all right, mate?

Do I know you?

Yeah, we're mates of Carli's.

Ah, yeah.

Carli Cling-on.

Nice girl, bit keen.

Yeah.

Our mate's in love with her,

- the f***ing dick.

- Oh, is he?

Well, tell him he can have a sniff

on these if he's lucky.

Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate.

We ditched him, yeah, he's too tragic.

It's a wicked place, this. Nice vibe.

What, you think a bloke

sucking his own cock is wicked?

Are you bent?

No, course not.

We're the Pussay Patrol.

Pussay Patrol?!

More like the Bumming Brigade.

The only p*ssy you'll get will be a cat.

Oi!

I said, the only p*ssy they'll get

will be a cat.

You know, like one of them stray cats

you get round here.

- Oh, good one!

- F*** you, you lanky prick.

You two are f***ing me off.

Get out of my face.

Oh, no, come on, we're having a laugh,

we're all right here.

You're not f***ing all right anywhere,

you scrawny little sh*t.

Now f*** off before I put

a glass in your throat.

You all right, Jay?

Yeah.

Are you crying?

No, it's just the smoke in here.

There isn't any.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Do you want to go somewhere

not decadent?

So what happens now?

It's probably a bit far

for my dad to come and pick us up.

- Oh, great.

- Be nice,

maybe he's come to apologise.

All right?

We were just leaving, actually.

- Oh, don't cry, Simon.

- I'm not crying.

No, Jay, it was you that was crying,

- remember?

- Neil!

Come on, Si, sit down,

let's all share a fishbowl.

- We're totally out of cash.

- Yeah.

We're not all lucky enough

to have had a relative die.

Well, you're clearly f***ed without me,

so I was going to offer

to pay for your drinks,

but if you're going

to be a baby about it,

- then f*** it.

- Were you really?

Well, I'm not arsed either way,

but if I have to... yes.

Si?

All right, thank you, Jay.

Shake.

Group hug?

Oh, go on, Neil,

just one more suicide shot.

F***in' hell.

Right. Tenner, please.

- Sorry, mate, had my fingers crossed.

- Oh, not again!

Oh, my God!

I never expected to see them again.

Doesn't matter, though, does it?

Cos even if Lucy

can get a ticket for the boat party,

I now can't afford one.

Yes, but incredible as it may seem,

Simon, I wasn't thinking about you.

Hi, guys.

Taking a break from drowning children?

We are.

And welcome back to Malia's

least-cool bar.

We're regulars, obviously.

Surprised to see you here again.

Well, it's the only place we've been

where the blokes weren't total animals.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Hello, by the way.

Hello, Spectacles.

Still going to get sh*t-faced, though.

Shots only?

- Are you man enough, Jay-bo?

- Course.

Thought you would be.

Clearly, Alison was out of my league.

But then all girls I like

are out of my league.

Look at me. Imagine my league.

It had to be worth a go.

So I've been thinking, about us...

- What, the four of you?

- No, me and you.

Well, there is no "us",

so that must have been a weird

thought process, but go on.

- I'm not sure Nicos is right for you.

- Interesting.

Why wouldn't my sexy, charming,

caring boyfriend,

who is also a sensational lover,

- be right for me?

- You'd say sensational, would you?

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

It was nice of Richard Branson

to lend you an outfit.

It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

Well, at least you look fantastic.

Right, there's only one thing for it,

we're going to say "f*** it"

and do shots until one of us is sick

through our nose. My money's on me.

Four monkey brains, please.

I like this Simon, he's fun.

Thanks very much.

- Cheers!

- Cheers.

Oh, actually, can you pay?

Right, next!

No, no. I can't have another one.

I'm sorry, didn't realise

you were a lightweight.

- What?

- Lightweight. Light-weight.

You're one to talk about lightweights.

What do you mean?

Oh. Cos I'm fat?

No.

What I... mean, Jane, is...

I'm gonna drink you under the table.

You're trouble, aren't you?

You're funny.

That is why I know you don't have

to worry about getting laid.

Um, did I say I was worried?

No, but it's obvious that you are,

and you think

that somehow I'm the answer.

Well, I am not, and you will be fine.

I think you might be, though.

Nonsense.

You know, in fact, I am so confident

I will make a pact with you.

If you still haven't had sex

by this time next year,

I'll have sex with you.

As long as I'm not with Nicos,

of course.

Of course.

Um...

this is a joke, right?

A handshake's good...

is it possible to get it in writing?

See? Funny.

Yes, ha-ha-ha. Hmm.

You all right, Lise? Where's Neil?

He is literally incredible.

Come on, Lise,

we're getting out of here.

Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.

You coming swimming?

Oh. I can't cos I haven't brought

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