The Inbetweeners Page #8

my swimming costume.

Oh, no! I haven't brought mine either.

Really? What are you going to go?

Well, I'm going to go in naked. Are you?

Oh, right. Yeah, me too.

Totally naked.

Are they really going skinny dipping?

- If I know Jane, probably, yeah.

- Really?

- F***ing hell, really?!

- Yes.

And...

...what about you?

Well, I'm meeting Nicos in half an hour.

Course.

So I reckon I've got time

for a quick dip.

Obviously, Alison and me

was never going to happen.

And yet, and yet...

No, I had no f***ing chance.

Come on. What are you doing?

Get it off.

No, yeah. Good. I will.

Go on, then.

All in good time.

I'll look away, if you like.

Um, yeah, that would be nice, thank you.

OK, so, I'm looking away now.

And so, for only the second time today,

Simon was tricked into getting naked.

Further along the beach,

for the first time ever, Jay was close

to seeing some naked women

not on a computer screen.

Come on, Jay, don't be shy.

I'll take it all off if you will.

Um, all right, just...

give me a minute.

Are you scared that you won't be able

to control yourself?

She's a big girl.

She is a big girl.

Can't take it any more,

just give us a snog.

Um... all right.

But... let's go somewhere secret.

Secret?

Just give us a snog here.

Nah.

Let's go somewhere

people can't see us.

- OK?

- F***ing whale on the beach.

Actually... forget it.

I've already seen your cock,

and it wasn't pretty.

All I'm saying is that, logically,

we might not have to wait

a year to have sex.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

I mean, once you remove Nicos from the

equation and think, as I say, logically,

it really makes no sense

to wait that long.

Do you find that your logic

talks a lot of girls into bed?

Well, no.

I was just curious to know

whether this kind of relentless, pedantic

chat is a big hit with the other chicks.

- Well, obviously it isn't.

- Thought not.

What are you waiting for?

Um... I don't know.

OK.

Take your clothes off.

That's it till next year, I'm afraid!

I've lost my glasses.

I've lost my glasses!

God, it's freezing in here.

Don't be such a wuss.

Ah!

That's right,

let's get someone's hair wet, shall we?

It always looks wet anyway, gel-boy.

Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

Oh, sh*t, sorry.

Carli!

Carli, over here!

Carli, over here! Carls!

Carls.

Come on, Will, it feels amazing!

Just getting my glasses!

You're not wussing out on me, are you?

Nope! As soon as I'm not blind,

I'll be right over with you

and the other naked ladies.

Well, hurry up or I'm getting out!

Jesus Christ, come on! Where are they?

- What the... f*** are you doing?

- I'm really sorry,

I tripped. I've lost my glasses.

You've got a big problem now, mister,

a big f***ing problem.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry,

I didn't know

you were down there, doing that.

Help!

I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!

Nicos?

Alison?

What are you doing?

How does she know

your f***ing name, Nicos?

Donna, I just need you to be a little

bit quiet for five minutes, please...

Who the f*** is that?!

Come and sit down with me,

I want to talk to you.

We're supposed to be meeting up

in 15 minutes,

- you utter, utter scumbag!

- Glasses?

- Glasses?

- It's OK, it's OK.

Glasses? Ooh!

There they are.

Alison, I love you, I love you,

you are the only girl for me,

there no other girl in my life.

Now, where have we heard that before?

Oh, just shut up, Will!

Baby, you know this weirdo?

I am not your f***ing baby!

Alison, wait!

Simon.

Are you swimming naked?

Hell, yeah.

- That's not like you.

- Well, I'm on holiday,

so who knows, maybe it's a new me?

Oh, right.

I like the old you.

Hmm.

OK, well, I'm off to bed.

Can I come?

To bed?

- No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so...

- Look,

I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night,

I just want to be alone.

But I'll see you at the boat party.

We can catch up properly there, OK?

Yeah, course.

- See you at the boat party.

- Great.

See ya!

- I miss you too.

- Sorry?

You said it the other night?

Oh, yeah.

Lucy! Lucy!

Alison, wait! I'll come with you!

- I want to be on my own!

- Um...

You're not expecting me

to hit him or anything,

- are you?

- No!

- Good.

- I don't expect

anything from anyone

but disappointment.

You'll love me, then.

And I will never have sex

with anyone again for as long as I live,

and certainly not with you.

So just f*** off!

All of you, just f*** off!

Does this affect our deal?

F*** your deal!

Ahhhh!

Lucy.

Oh! Are you getting out?

- Yes.

- That was Carli, did you see her?

Yeah.

It was dark, but I saw her.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, she's very beautiful.

I'm going now.

Oh. OK!

- All right?

- I've been better.

- What are you doing?

- I'm thinking.

About how sh*t the holiday is?

Partly that. Partly I'm thinking

about putting stones in my pockets

and chucking myself in the pool.

Oh, I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank.

Right.

Also, if you put stones in your pockets,

you'll sink, so... better to not

have the stones, really.

I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

I stopped believing in God when

I realised it was just "dog" backwards.

What?

Well, when you think about it...

G/O/D, D/O/G.

It's like an anagram,

but a backwards one, innit?

Right.

And then, after that,

I just stopped worrying about stuff.

You only get one go round, I reckon.

When you're dead, you're dead.

So you can spend your time thinking

about how things haven't gone perfect

or you can just get on with it,

have a laugh and that.

That's what I do, I'm pretty happy.

You are, aren't you?

Yeah!

Thanks, Neil. Thanks for that.

Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

No, not that.

No offence, but that's moronic.

No, thanks for coming to cheer me up.

I didn't come to cheer you up,

I come to say I did a sh*t

in the children's toilet

and I can't get rid of it.

Oh, God!

Cos I thought I'd try something

different, you know? As a treat.

- Oh...

- Oh!

Oh!

Neil, what the f*** has gone into that?

Have you been eating tear gas?

No, it's just a bit beery.

And that meatiness

is probably the kebabs.

OK, that's it. Neil, you were right.

It may not be paradise,

but we can at least try and enjoy

this place for exactly what it is.

A shithole?

Yes, but it's our shithole,

so let's get out there

and get royally f***ed up

on Jay's dead grandad's money.

It's what he would have wanted.

If we get fined 50 euros, Neil,

you're paying it.

- But it's not on the floor.

- Some of it is on the floor.

Well, yeah, some of it.

# I know youre there

# I know youre there

# I know youre there

# I know youre there

# I know youre there

# I know youre there

# It's my sound

# It's my sound

# It's my sound

# It's my sound

# It's my sound

# It's my sound

# It's my... It's my...

It's my... #

Is this normal enough for you?

Probably a bit too normal.

I'm almost going to miss him

when I'm at uni.

When he's at uni, you mean.

- Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.

- Will ya?

- What, this year?

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