The Incredible Jessica James Page #4

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Oh, sh*t.

Well, what if we followed

each other's ex's on Instagram?

That way, we can tell the other person

if something big comes up.

That's a really good plan.

- Yeah.

- Let's do that.

- Okay, what's your fellow's name?

- At Damon Johansing.

- And then what about your ex-wife?

- Mandy Moore.

- Wait, what?

- Oh, it's not the singer stroke actress.

It's a very common name.

Holy sh*t. Is this him?

- Yeah.

- He's beautiful.

I know, he's a beautiful man.

- Are you kidding me?

- I know.

You're never gonna get the likes

of that again.

- I would f*** this guy.

- Would you? Oh, me too.

Is this her?

- Yeah.

- She's cute.

Oh, she's blonde.

- Yeah, I'm really into blondes.

- Oh, sorry.

Does he make f***ing

handcrafted phone cases?

He does.

Is there something wrong with that?

Oh, no. It's just,

I really need a new phone case.

Boone, we're working on boundaries

right now.

There's a million places

you can get phone cases from.

Yeah, okay.

- He makes such pretty stuff, though.

- Yeah, he's really, really good.

Oh, wow, she posted a beautiful photo

of a hamburger today.

Yeah, she's really knows

what to do with meat.

That's a weird thing to say to me.

Oh, God. You probably thought that...

No, I meant she's good with dick.

Tasha, are you sitting down?

- I'm at ease. Yeah.

- Get this.

I just got a personalized rejection letter

from Tim Sanford at Playwrights Horizons.

Congratulations?

You don't sound that excited,

but I'll take it.

Oh, I don't know. It's a rejection.

Yeah, but it's a personalized

rejection letter.

Get this.

"Despite the eloquent and oftentimes

hilarious tone of your work,

it is not right for Playwrights Horizons

at this time."

Wow! That is...

I don't know what that is.

What is that? That's...

It's amazing.

Do you know how many

form letter rejections I've gotten

from lesser-known theater companies

and fellowships this year?

Tim Sanford from Playwrights Horizons

read one of my plays

and he gave me an encouraging response.

This is huge.

Oh, that is so cool.

- Are you masturbating right now?

- Yeah.

Okay, next time I call you

when you're doing that,

- just don't answer the phone.

- Okay. Good to know.

What are you doing here?

You unfollowed me.

Wow. That was fast. How did you know?

I only have 70 followers on Instagram

and Twitter, combined, so...

- Yeah, you are not good at social media.

- I make phone cases.

All right, I don't have clever,

witty ideas

that I like to share with the world

like everybody else.

I just don't understand

why you unfollowed me.

Well, Damon, it's not like

we're together anymore.

So, what? That means we can't be friends

on Facebook?

No, I don't think we can.

No. No, we cannot.

I don't get it.

I don't get it, how one minute

we can be in love,

and the next minute

we're less than strangers.

What, you're asking me?

Yes. I'm asking you.

I don't know.

I didn't think it'd be big of a deal.

Really? You unfollowed me.

I guess, secretly, I kind of hoped

that you would notice,

but I didn't want you

to get all bent out of shape about it.

It feels like deep down,

you wish we never would've met.

I guess I kind of wish we hadn't met.

- No, don't do that.

- I do.

Don't negate everything we had

just because you don't like

the way it ended.

Well, why not?

- Because it was good.

- And then it wasn't.

Well, why do you think that is?

- I don't know. You tell me.

- Oh, wow!

You act so...

You don't realize how frustrating it is,

how stubborn,

- and hardheaded you are sometimes.

- I am not stubborn.

Okay, do you want me

to explain to you why it ended?

Yeah, that would be most excellent

if you could.

Okay.

It ended because you...

What?

All right, everybody, listen up.

This is Tasha.

Tasha is an actress,

and she's gonna teach you guys

an improv game.

Thank you so much, Jess,

for that amazing introduction.

Okay.

Um, as was mentioned five seconds earlier,

I'm Tasha and I'm going to teach you

an improv game called, "Yes, And..."

Has anybody ever heard

of "Yes, And..." before?

Perfect! Okay, well, it is super simple.

All you have to do is agree with anything

that your partner says

by saying "yes."

And then, adding something to it.

Jessica, would you like

to help me demonstrate?

Yes. And I would also like to add

that this game rules.

Yes. This game does rule.

And I'm excited to play it

because your class is super attractive.

Yes.

And on top of being very attractive,

they also have really,

really great brains.

Yes. They have great brains.

And I can tell because I just so happen

to be a brain-eating zombie

who loves kids' brains.

Yes. I knew that.

And I have something to tell you.

I'm a zombie slayer.

Yes, you are.

And we have a long feud going back...

centuries, and centuries, and centuries.

Yes, and for some reason,

we always seem to run in circles

which is why we've been feuding

for so long.

Yes, this is a cosmic dance

between two people.

Two people who don't know

how to fight.

I am your archenemy!

But I came here today to tell you...

that I love you.

- Hello?

- Hey.

- It's Boone.

- Who?

Just kidding. I know who you are.

What's up?

I was just, um, calling to let you know

that Damon finally started watching

The Sopranos

and he thinks it's pretty good.

Okay. All right.

That's really useful information

for me to know.

Thank you very much for telling me.

I don't know what took him so long.

It's a really great show.

I don't know.

I feel like if I want to watch

a bunch of morally corrupt dudes

do some stuff,

I could just, like, literally,

leave my apartment at any given moment.

Yeah, men are horrible.

Oh, my gosh. By the way,

I am loving your ex-wife's Instagram.

Her photos were so good.

Food photography really is an art.

It's just the dabblers I don't care about.

Yeah. Food porn

is one of my top two favorite porns.

What's your other favorite porn?

Human.

That is a good porn.

That's a good form of porn.

Also, um, I was wondering

what you were up to this weekend?

You were, were you?

Yes, I was, I was.

I, um, I'm actually gonna be in Ohio

for my little sister's baby shower.

Oh, a lot of new information there.

What, you're from Ohio?

Yes. I am, unfortunately.

It's weird I know more

about your ex-boyfriend than I do you.

Yeah. I guess it is, huh?

Maybe...

um, when you get back into town,

we could go on a real date?

Well, that depends, Boone.

What's your idea of a real date?

Hot dogs and laser tag?

- Um, I'm busy.

- I'm joking.

Something brilliant.

No, we'll, um...

We'll have a great time, I promise.

Yeah, sure.

I'll go on a real date with you.

It sounds fun-ish.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks.

Can you just give me a call

when you're back into town?

And, uh, bring me back some potatoes.

- That is Idaho.

- Yes, it is.

Do they grow anything in Ohio?

Just weirdos.

Well, bring me back some weirdos.

Will do.

- Bye, Jessica.

- Bye.

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