The Inspector General Page #4

to continue his journey as soon as possible.

Yes, I must go immediately. No

receptions.

- Your Excellency I'm broken hearted.

- I was looking forward to you

inspecting our little village. It's a

wonderful village. Finest village I've

- Would you be kind enough to say

so in your offical report?

- Yes of course, but I must get dressed.

Of course. Assemble the villagers

and band to speed His Excellency

on his way.

- Where are my clothes?

- Kovach! The uniform.

- Well it's badly stained, I was

having it cleaned.

- Well then a fresh uniform for His Excellency.

- Where will I get one for His Excellency?

- Yours will do.

- This is brand new, this wouldn't fit

His Excellency.

- Izzy, Gizzy, take care of this.

They are tailors Your Excellency.

They will retify that. A new uniform

for His Excellency in a half an hour.

Even in the short time you've been

here, you've captured the hearts of

our people. A pity you have to leave.

-I thought I might be coming back

again soon.

- Don't change your plans on our account.

Quick, His Excellency's horse.

The Inspector General's horse.

- I'll send the horse back as soon as possible.

- No, no keep it. Help His

Excellency to mount.

Oh Your Excellency, great star of

wisdom.

Exhaulted one, do not be angry with

your devoted servants. I've hunted

for you everywhere.

Forgive me great master. Forgive

me. Show mercy on your unworthy servant.

- Forgive me you numbskull, or I'll

break you in half.

- It's all right Yakov.

I am the lowly servant of His Great Lord,

The Inspector General. Due to my

negligence, we were separated on the road.

- I was just leaving.

- I must speak to you first master.

The Emporer has sent you

confidential instructions. A secret message.

- But he was just leaving.

- The Inspector General will decide

that for himself.

What are you doing? Yakov, I'll

never be able to get out.

- Yakov why did you stop me? I had a

chance to get away and now they may

hang me. - Be quiet you idiot.

Why should they hang The

Inspector General. They lay the

whole town at your feet.

- I've got everything I want.

- You've got everything you want?

What have you got?

I didn't let anything slip through my

fingers. What have you got? See!

Three spoons? And these fat

thieves are loaded with gold.

But you don't understand. We can

sell the spoons, buy a new wagon

and leave this town.

Go on run away. I was right in the

first place. You haven't got an

honest bone in your body.

Wait a minute Yakov. A few days

ago you kicked me out because you

said I wasn't a good thief.

I kicked you out? I do everything

for you and this is the thanks I get?

For once in your miserable life you

have a chance to do something really good.

What happens? You want to run

like a rabbit.

Never a thought to the people in the

village. Nothing but selfishness.

I crawled through every corner of

this village. Georgi, what misery

exists here.

The Mayor has taxed the very life

out of this town. And not content

with that, they steal.

35,000 crowns they collected from

the little children and their parents

to buy a pipe organ from the church.

And they trump up a cock and bull

story that the organ was destroyed

and that they sold it in another town.

By tonight we can make them pay

35,000 crowns for protection.

Then I buy back the organ, you

present it to the town and we

expose these rascals.

- May I become a wandering gypsy

if I'm not telling the truth.

- But you are a wandering gypsy.

That proves I'm telling the truth. Now to work

Georgi. The most important thing that you make

them understand is that you know how crooked you are.

- They'll shower you with gold.

- 35,000 crowsn Yakov, do you think

they'll give it to me just like that?

They will give you more. It never

fails. They will give you more

because you are The Inspector General.

- I don't know how to be an Inspector General.

- That's very simple, you have to

behave like one.

- But how?

- Oh how, why what. Don't bother

me with silly technicalities.

You're The Inspector General. Be

big, strong, fair.

Gentlemen, I have good news for

you. The Inspector General has

decided to remain indefinitely.

He demands an inspection of the

financial affairs of Brodny and he

will meet with you at the town hall at 2 o'clock.

Big big, be strong, be firm says

Yakov. But if it doesn't work, whose

neck will they jerk?

Whose block will they knock off.

Not Yakov.

Be an Inspector General.

What does an Inspector General

do? lnspect Generals?

An Inspector General generally

inspects that is.....

they expect them to inspect

generally. If they're expecting a

General Inspector.

But an exceptionally generous Inspector General

who made an exception and had no inspection

would cause suspision and in my

condition I couldn't accept. Thank

However If people aren't suspecting now

accept without detecting an imposter who's

not posted as a pedigree inspector.

Could this pabable imposter say a

gypsy or acoster could possibly get

past them by his posture?

In two words-unlikely.

So it is not a question to fl ee or not

to flee, but to be or not to be.

And if so, how?

Should I be arrogant? Should I be

elegant? Should I be smart?

A rolling Russian Czar, or very

British impar

Or like the KGV in Nice who already

eats the cheese while he says "No

thank-you please".

Very smart.

I must examine every side of me.

The long, the narrow , the wide of me.

The Dr. Jekyll and Hide of me.

If I value my anatomy, the skinny

and the pal of me, how shall I start

to play the part?

Should I be arrogant?

Up off your knees. Stop licking my boots.

Elegant?

Sugar?

A lump more.

-Lemon?

- Cream?

- A dribble.

- Tea?

- Never touch it.

Or smart?

If they don't know what they should

know, they don't know what you know.

Arrogant, elegant, smart.

If you say so.

And it's not so! So what?!

If you talk to them pa-pa-pa, you

only waste your breathe.

Laught at them they're all you

probably need.

Talk and you show your ignorance,

laugh and you show your teeth.

Gentlemen, if you would just step aside

for one moment, I should be very happy

to talk to this unfortunate wretch.

The course of action you should act

on that'd actually planned is a

smasher. A lot of thought I put in it.

If you casually cover up your mouth

with your hand,

You will never put your foot in it.

Really gentlemen, please.

Sneak a sniff in of snuff.

And so have you no more disease.

Just stand around and wait for them

to sneeze.

And you'll see which way will blow

the breeze.

Pay no attention to what he tells.

Do it my way.

Stooooop! Please stop!

You're confusing me, please stop,

please stop.

Please say no more.

You're so pleased with yourselves.

You don't care about me.

This isn't true.

If we didn't care, would we talk this way?

Things are not as bad as they look.

No sir, they are much worse.

And remember an ear in the eye is

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