The Kid Page #4

- Twelve times.

- Look! There it is right there!

Remember it now?

- No.

- Look, that's where we

fell off the roof last year.

That's the bush we fell onto.

And that's where the really big possum

crawled under the house.

- Remember?

- Yeah, that was one of

life's big events...

when the possum

crawled under the house.

- How could I forget?

- You don't remember the possum?

It was, like, this big!

And it had

really long teeth.

He took our sneaker

in his mouth and ran off with it.

You've gotta remember that.

Hey, I don't remember

the possum, okay?

I hardly remember

living here at all.

But you do, and that's

all that counts. Get out.

Wait.

The house. It's different.

- Bye, honey.

- Who are they?

What am I gonna do?

What now?

Hey, will you knock off

the waterworks, okay?

You know what the number one killer of

kids under the age of 8 is? Self-pity.

And you're already pitiful enough.

Well, at least I don't do this!

Nice.

Chester! Here, boy!

Come on, Chester!

Chester!

Here, boy!

Come on, Chester!

Chester!

Come on, Chester!

Chester!

Here, boy!

Come on, Chester!

- Chester!

- Kid, will you stop that yelling?

- Chester!

- Hey! Now!

Where's Chester?

- Who is Chester?

- My dog.

The dog I'm going to get

when I grow up.

- Oh.

- The world's greatest dog.

The one who rides

in the back of my truck...

plays Frisbee,

goes everywhere I go.

- Chester!

- Bad news, kid.

- No dog here.

- What do you mean?

I mean no dog.

There's no dog here.

- I don't own a dog.

- No dog? No dog?

- I grow up to be a guy with no dog?

- That's right.

- Why don't I have a dog?

- Because I don't want a dog, okay?

I can't take care of a dog.

I travel all the time for work.

You travel for work?

I grow up to fly jets, right?

I knew it!

I knew I would grow up

to fly jets!

Uh, no.

- No, I don't fly jets?

- Not really, no.

- What do I do then?

- You're an image consultant.

What's that?

Uh, it's...

- What does a consultant do?

- Consult.

But what do I do?

You don't do anything.

You tell other people what to do.

That's the fun of it.

You boss people around.

Like this. Stop talking!

Shouldn't there be

a lady here somewhere?

What do you mean, a lady living here?

No. I live alone.

I thought you said

you were 40.

I said I was almost 40.

So?

So, I'm 40,

I'm not married...

I don't fly jets,

and I don't have a dog?

I grow up to be a loser.

John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt

That's my name too

Whenever we go out

the people always shout

There goes John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt

Da na na na na na na

John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt

That's my name too

Whenever we go out

the people always shout

There goes John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt

Da na na na na na na

Wow!

Look at it! Man!

Gee! Holy smokes!

Holy Moses!

Look at the moon!

- Wow! Far out!

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Stop that yelling!

- Holy Moses!

- What are you doing up?

Look at it!

It's huge!

What is with you people?

It's the moon, okay?

You travel 30 years

across time...

and all you can do is stand out here

and scream about the moon coming up?

But you can see the man in the moon

really good tonight!

Well, did he speak to you?

Did he invite you up

for a little bit of cheese?

Did he blow fart bubbles

out of his butt, huh?

Because if he didn't,

then there really isn't any reason...

to be excited about the moon, is there?

Sorry.

I'll never get excited again.

Obviously.

Wait!

Can I ask you a question?

Why does the moon get,

like, orangy sometimes?

Because there is a, uh...

a band of, uh...

Just shut up

and go to sleep, okay?

Or better yet, go away!

I knew it! I grow up to be a guy

who doesn't know anything!

And who doesn't have a dog!

John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt

That's my name too

Kid?

Good.

Maybe Russ here can explain it a little

bit better than I've been able to. Russ?

Here's how we see things,

Mr Vivian.

Call me Vivian.

Okay. Vivian.

You're going public,

you're making an IPO...

your software's brilliant,

and that's all great.

But if you wanna make Fortune 500,

you have to understand...

that at a certain point, people are

gonna want to get a good look at you.

And that's where things

get a little dicey.

Dicey. That's right.

Very, very dicey.

I don't see why I

have to change a thing.

Okay. Let's look at this.

- You live in a cabin...

- I won't cut my hair...

and I won't shave my beard.

Let me give it to you

straight, Z.Z.

If you wanna ride your cow to Farm Aid,

you don't have to change a thing.

But if you wanna make the front page

of the Wall Street Journal...

there is one thing you're

going to have to change.

The, uh...

To, um... Uh...

- Someone you know?

- What?

- Friend of yours?

- No!

It... It's a little boy.

- Hello!

- I don't know any little kids.

- I'm starving!

- Just tragic that parents...

would send their kids out

to beg like that.

- Very, very sad.

- I can't believe it.

- Russ!

Russ Duritz, I'm hungry!

Feed me!

Ugh! I'm hungry!

If you'll excuse me for

just a moment, please.

What are you doing here?

I thought you disappeared.

- I don't know how to disappear.

I'm hungry!

- Hello.

I'm Amy. Who are you?

I'm Rusty.

And who is Rusty?

- My nephew.

- Your nephew?

Yes. My sister's kid.

- The one who's going

to college in the autumn?

- No. The other one.

Melissa?

Yes, Amy.

This is Melissa.

No, it is the other one.

- The one she doesn't like to talk about.

- Oh, I see.

Which completely explains

why you never told me about him.

Maybe I don't tell you every thing.

So are you having fun

with your uncle?

Not really.

He made me sleep outside...

he didn't give me

any breakfast...

and he doesn't have a dog.

That is a problem.

- You made him sleep outside?

- He slept in a tent.

- You've got a tent?

- It was his tent.

You didn't give him any breakfast.

He can stand to miss a meal.

Rusty, are you hungry?

- Starved.

- Let's go and get some bacon and eggs.

No, no, no, no.

Rusty can't have bacon and eggs.

I've gotta get him

back to his mom right now.

Don't forget Kenny's

this afternoon.

- Bye, Rusty!

- Bye!

Nice to meet you.

- Just get that moony look off your face.

- I like that Amy lady.

I bet she likes dogs.

I don't know what's worse,

the fact that I'm stuck with you...

or the idea that I don't

know what to do about it.

Why don't we eat something?

Why? Because you don't know what to do,

you just wanna stuff your face?

No, because it says to

up there in the sky.

Okay. Why don't we

eat something?

What can I get ya?

Um, I'll have French toast,

pancakes and bacon.

- Just bring him something healthy, okay?

- Sorry, sir.

We only serve

starchy, sugary, salty food...

high in fat and cholesterol

that tastes delicious.

Comforts people

deep down inside.

Okay. I'll have French toast,

pancakes and bacon.

- You want a milk shake with that?

- Chocolate, please.

Extra whipped cream.

- And for you?

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