The Kid Page #5

- You know, I think I'd just

like the magic bean omelet.

Aw, did somebody not get their

coffee today? I'm gonna go get it!

Maybe you can bring it

before the diner disappears.

What are you

lookin' at, Sparky?

Oh, man.

- What are you doing here?

- Having French toast,

pancakes and bacon.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What did you come here for?

I don't know.

My model aeroplane?

Well, you already got that,

and we're still screwed up.

We're even more screwed up

than we were before.

- What am I gonna do with you?

- What do you wanna do with me?

I want to put you

on a diet, chubby!

Fix you up so you aren't

such a pathetic loser.

This is what I do

for a living, okay?

Making people look good

is what I do.

Problem is...

there's so much to do with you,

I don't know where to start.

Well, I'd like to not get

my butt kicked so much.

Kids are always laughing at us.

It sorta hurts my feelings.

Why didn't I think of this before?

This is what you came for, okay?

I just gotta teach you

how to fight. By the way...

they're not laughing at us,

they're laughing at you.

When you get to be me,

they laugh, they die!

- They laugh, they die?

- Yes.

You laugh, you die!

You laugh, you die!

You laugh, you die!

Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow! Pow!

- Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

- Okay, okay. Okay, okay, shut up! Shut...

- Hey, guess what.

- What?

- I gotta pee.

Are you sure you know someone

who can teach me how to fight?

Yeah, I think

I could find somebody.

Isn't it cool how we both

have to go at the same time?

Yes. I'll cherish this moment

for a lifetime.

- I'm just gonna have one more piece.

Just one... Just one more piece.

- What do you think of this one?

- Hey!

- It's too short.

- Oh, God.

Please tell me that's not... Hey.

You're five weeks away

from defending your title.

- What are you doing eating pizza?

- But I... I'm a nervous eater.

- Beat it.

- You'd be nervous too if you was

getting married tomorrow.

Yeah, I'd be nervous

that my bride would dump me

because I'm a big, fat tub of lard.

- Hi, Giselle.

- Hi, Russ.

- What is that? Is that 20 more pounds?

- No.

- Hey! Put the...

- Damn, he won't even let you eat, huh?

- Does he look like he needs any pizza?

- Who is he?

This is Russ's nephew, Rusty.

Oh, I didn't know you had two nephews.

- How do I look, baby? Look.

- Mmm, like Adonis.

Hey, hey, Adonis. Adonis.

- What?

- Can I use your boxing ring?

I wanna give pudge-boy here

some lessons.

- Maybe you could step in,

show him a few moves.

- Yeah, I would be glad to.

That way, you can punch

his lights out the next time

he tries to call you pudge-boy.

Groovy!

First things first. You tryin'

to get knocked out or something?

All right, well, then get your hands

up then. You gotta protect that chin.

I pop you on that chin, that's it.

Remember, this is number one, this is

number two. You punch one, two.

One, two. Go ahead. Try it.

One... That's it. That's it.

- Get out of the way.

- Come on.

Come on. Good.

Come on. Come on.

- You hit me.

- Yes, unfortunately, I did hit you...

and I'm not gonna beat myself up

about it.

Or maybe I will. Come on.

Fight. Yeah.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, kid.

Fight. Come on. Come on.

- Hit him. One, two. One, two.

- Go on, Rusty. Punch his lights out!

- Hey. Whose side are you on?

- Throw it. Throw it.

Whoa, whoa!

Take it easy, little Tyson!

What are you gonna do next,

bite his ear off? We don't

hit 'em when they're down.

- They hit me when I'm down.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa! Who? Who? Who?

- The kids at school.

- Kid's havin' some trouble at school.

Well, why didn't you say that, Russ?

I'm teachin' the boy boxin'.

He don't need that.

He needs street fightin'.

Why don't you show him that WWF

scissors hold? Show him that one.

- Here we go. Ready?

- Whoa!

Now that I can use.

Get off me.

Have you noticed

how alike those two are?

Makes sense.

They're related, right?

I suppose so.

Russ Duritz's office.

How may I help you?

- Yeah, it's me. What's up?

- Oh. It's you.

I hadn't heard from you in four hours.

I'd assumed you were dead.

- Hey, how's mini-you?

- That's hilarious, Janet.

- What's up?

- You got 19 messages, last count.

- You want 'em?

- Let me have 'em.

Let's see, uh...

Bob Riley.

Bob Riley. Not Bob Riley.

Not Bob Riley. Bob Riley.

Bob Riley. I'm sure there's another one

in here. Just a second.

Here's Bob Riley.

Hey!

Hey, Amy. Where are you going?

My place for some ice cream.

See you there.

- Ice cream?

- Bye!

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

Are you our girlfriend?

That's a funny way of putting it.

Mostly, no.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

Are you our nephew?

Mostly...

no.

- But you are related, aren't you?

- Uh-huh.

- How close?

- Pretty.

How close is pretty close?

Pretty darn.

Oh, my God.

- Hi.

- He's your son.

- What?

- He's your son! You have a son!

Hey! Whatcha... Get off! Hey!

And all this time

you never even breathed a word!

And you're some deadbeat dad who had

visitation rights today or something.

- Amy, do you know how...

- And who's the mother, anyway?

Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

I know. It's that Swedish chick,

isn't it?

Yeah, that Ingesborg or Smorgasbord

or whatever her name is.

- Inga?

- Not that I care, of course,

about who or where or what you do!

- Amy, he is not Swedish.

- And I'm not his son.

Honest.

Then who are you?

Russ?

Because I've been watching the two

of you together, and I swear to God...

there's something very...

strange going on.

- We have to tell her.

- We are not going to tell her.

- Tell me what?

- Come on. Do it!

Hey! Zip it!

We're not gonna tell her, okay?

Besides, she won't believe us anyway.

She'll just think you take after me.

- Then do the knuckle.

- That's not gonna convince her.

Then tell her something

only I would know, and then

she can ask me about the same thing.

- Like Aunt Spazzy.

- How is that gonna work? Think about it.

- Then show her the scar.

- Anybody could have a scar.

- What about the birthmark?

- Well, that could be a coincidence too.

- I know she'll believe us.

- She is not going to believe us.

- I know she'll believe us.

- She is not going to believe us.

- She will!

- She won't!

- She will!

- She won't!

- She will!

- Hey!

I wish I was standing

on a carpet.

- Told ya.

- Amy.

...aboard that ship in...

...which process the potatoes

into a variety of products.

- Stop biting.

- Leave me alone.

I'm advertising terror

and bewilderment.

Holy smokes. Ninety-nine channels,

and there's nothing on.

How can this be?

I have no idea.

Look at him.

He's so embarrassing.

You're not embarrassing.

You're adorable.

Then.

You're adorable then.

Stop picking!

Look at that haircut.

I look like Herman's Hermits.

And I "shpeak" like I got

a mouth full of "shpit."

Well, of course you do.

Doesn't the fact that I'm

a pathetic dweeb make you despise me?

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