The King of Comedy Page #4

PUPKIN:

Maybe a Rolaids would work.

PUPKIN pulls out a pack of Rolaids and hands one to RITA

who smiles vaguely and drops it into the glass.

RITA:

Well, what are you up to these days,

Rupert?

PUPKIN:

Didn't you know you'd see me again?

RITA:

You still going to the movies?

PUPKIN:

You're looking as beautiful as ever.

RITA:

Oh, yeah. I was a real knockout.

PUPKIN:

I thought so.

RITA:

Well, here I am. Local cheerleader

makes good.

PUPKIN:

I voted for you for Most Beautiful.

RITA:

Yeah?

PUPKIN:

I didn't have the nerve to tell you then,

but I guess it's alright now.

RITA:

Well, nothing terrible's gonna happen,

if that's what you mean.

There is an awkward pause. PUPKIN stares admiringly at

RITA.

RITA:

Well, how are things with you, Rupert?

PUPKIN:

Great! Everything's starting to break.

RITA:

Is that right?

PUPKIN:

Yeah. As a matter of fact, that's why

I'm here. I've known about this place

for a long time. I just didn't want

to make my move until I had something

to offer you. Everything's a question

of timing.

RITA stares at PUPKIN as he rattles on.

PUPKIN:

What's the matter?

RITA shakes her head in disbelief and chuckles.

RITA:

Jesus Christ, Rupert Pupkin!

PUPKIN:

(smiling)

The two of us are often confused. He's

the one with the famous father.

PUPKIN waits for a laugh. RITA just keeps shaking her

head. PUPKIN looks around.

PUPKIN:

(critically)

You like this place?

RITA shrugs.

RITA:

Why, you got something better?

PUPKIN:

Maybe.

RITA:

What?

PUPKIN:

What are you doing tonight?

RITA:

Tonight?

RITA starts laughing.

PUPKIN:

(smiling reluctantly)

What's so funny?

RITA:

(still laughing)

You call me up all junior and senior year.

Night after night after night, right? And

every time I'm wondering 'when is this guy

going to stop talking and ask me out?'

Well, now I know the answer. August

twelfth, nineteen seventy-six. It only

took you ten, eleven years to work up to it.

PUPKIN:

If I had asked you out? Would you

have gone?

RITA:

Oh, no.

PUPKIN:

Why not?

RITA starts laughing again.

RITA:

Because I thought you were a jerk!

PUPKIN:

You see! I was right! But that guy isn't

me anymore. I look at my picture in the

yearbook and I don't even recognize myself.

I'm not the same guy, Rita.

A bull-necked MAN in his early forties enters. He waves

a brief hello to RITA as he walks by. RITA smiles and

the MAN takes a seat at the far end of the bar.

MAN:

Rita!

RITA:

(to PUPKIN)

Excuse me a minute, honey.

PUPKIN:

I'm not honey! I'm Rupert.

RITA goes to the far end of the bar and serves the MAN a

beer. They chat briefly as PUPKIN watches uneasily.

Finally PUPKIN downs his beer and raises his glass.

PUPKIN:

Miss! Miss!

The MAN gets RITA's attention for PUPKIN. RITA returns

to PUPKIN and serves him another beer.

PUPKIN:

I'm in the mood to celebrate tonight.

Why don't we go to this nice restaurant

I know, talk over and times, get to

know each other all over again.

RITA:

And then?

PUPKIN:

Well, tomorrow night I thought we'd

go out again, talk some more, get to

know each other even better.

RITA:

How much?

PUPKIN:

How much what?

RITA:

How much do we have to get to know

each other?

PUPKIN:

I don't understand.

RITA:

(emphatically)

How much do we have to get to know each

other before we start talking about

that job?

PUPKIN:

I'm not talking about any job.

RITA:

Then what's this big offer you were

talking about?

PUPKIN:

You'll see. Right now I'm asking you

for a date. How about it?

RITA:

I'm sorry, Rupert. But I'm busy.

PUPKIN:

Busy?

RITA:

Yeah. Busy.

PUPKIN:

But this is the biggest night of my life.

RITA:

I've already got a date.

The MAN at the end of the bar raises his glass.

MAN:

Rita!

RITA goes to the far end of the bar. She pours him another

beer and settles against the bar, resuming her chat with

him. PUPKIN looks for a moment and downs his beer. He

raises his glass.

PUPKIN:

Miss! Miss!

RITA returns to him.

PUPKIN:

Is that your date?

RITA:

None of your business.

PUPKIN:

What do you want to go out with him for?

RITA:

He's a good friend of mine.

PUPKIN:

Tell him you're busy.

RITA:

What's so important about tonight?

PUPKIN:

Everything! You don't understand.

RITA:

No. I don't. It's been really nice

seeing you, Rupert. Thanks for dropping

in. But I've got some work to do.

RITA leaves PUPKIN and returns to the far end of the bar

where she once again resumes talking with the MAN. PUPKIN

sits for a moment, gets up slowly and heads for the john.

11INT:
THE JOHN - NIGHT

He enters the john and goes to the farthest of the three

urinals. A moment later, the MAN enters. He goes to the

nearest of the three urinals. The two men stare at the

wall before them but the obvious tension between them

renders them both incapable of relieving themselves.

PUPKIN glances over at the MAN's face, then immediately

turns back to the wall as the MAN turns to look at him.

The MAN glances quickly at PUPKIN and then returns to

staring at the wall. PUPKIN sneaks a furtive glance at

the MAN's penis. The MAN sneaks a furtive glance at

PUPKIN's penis.

CUT TO:

12INT:
THE BAR - NIGHT

PUPKIN emerges from the john, followed a moment later by

the MAN. They resume their seats at each end of the bar.

A third MAN has come in and is seated midway between PUPKIN

and the MAN.

PUPKIN:

Miss!

RITA walks over reluctantly.

PUPKIN:

Listen to me for a second.

RITA:

I have work to do, Rupert.

PUPKIN:

Just listen. I'm at the start of

something really big. I don't want

to talk about it here but it's going

to happen soon and it's going to be

great -- for both of us.

RITA:

No kidding?

PUPKIN:

So see that guy some other night.

MAN:

Rita!

RITA turns to go.

PUPKIN:

But I haven't finished!

RITA returns to the MAN and pours him another beer. PUPKIN

sits for a few moments, then downs his beer quickly. Again,

he raises his glass.

PUPKIN:

Miss! Miss!

The MAN leans over the bar and tells RITA something. She

opens a bottle of beer and hands it to the MAN who slides

it down the bar towards PUPKIN. As the beer reaches the

middle of the bar, the THIRD MAN seated midway between

PUPKIN and the MAN raises his beer glass to take a sip just

as the sliding beer bottle passes under his hand. The

bottle stops right in front of PUPKIN who takes it and

slides it back with equal force. At this moment, the THIRD

MAN in the middle has finished his sip and has just placed

the THIRD MAN's glass on the counter. The beer bottle

collides with the THIRD MAN's glass, creating a mess. RITA

glares at PUPKIN as does the THIRD MAN. PUPKIN shrugs an

apology and RITA cleans up the mess.

RITA:

(to the THIRD MAN)

I'll get you another one.

As RITA cleans up the mess and pours a fresh beer, the MAN

walks down the bar towards PUPKIN. He leans over him and

puts a supposedly friendly paw on his shoulder. PUPKIN

glances distastefully at the MAN's hand on him.

MAN:

(to PUPKIN)

Look, friend. I'm trying to have a

nice civilized conversation with the

young lady. Be a good little lad,

huh, and give us a break.

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