The King of Comedy Page #5

PUPKIN looks up at the MAN who pats him on the back in a

gesture of fraudulent friendship and menace. PUPKIN burps.

With an effort, the MAN controls his temper and returns to

his seat at the end of the bar. PUPKIN instantly raises

his glass.

PUPKIN:

Miss! Miss!

The MAN advances towards PUPKIN with another bottle of

beer. PUPKIN watches passively as the MAN pours half the

bottle into PUPKIN's breast pocket and slams the half-empty

bottle on the counter. The MAN walks down to the end of

the counter where a smiling RITA is waiting.

PUPKIN again gulps his beer down. RITA and the MAN stare

at PUPKIN expecting him to raise his glass and call for

another beer. PUPKIN just sits there. After a few

moments, RITA and the MAN resume their conversation, but

they keep glancing over at PUPKIN, expecting him to

interrupt them with a call for beer at any moment. PUPKIN

continues to sit there. Just as RITA and the MAN have

settled back into their conversation, PUPKIN falls like a

stone from the barstool onto the floor. He lies

motionless. RITA and the MAN look at PUPKIN for a moment

while the handful of other patrons glance at him and return

to their drinks. RITA leaves the bar and goes to the rear

of the restaurant, disappearing into the kitchen. As she

does, the MAN walks over to where PUPKIN is lying inert

and prods him cruelly with his foot.

MAN:

C'mon, schmuck, wake up so I can

kick your ass outta here.

The MAN turns to the kitchen to see if RITA is returning.

As he does, PUPKIN carefully opens one eye, grabs a free

chair from a nearby cocktail table, rises and bangs the MAN

smartly over the head. The MAN falls, out cold. PUPKIN

straightens up quickly as the other patrons look on with

interest. PUPKIN brushes off his suit, which is blue, just

like the MAN's, and stands above the MAN just as the MAN

stood above him, his back to kitchen. RITA emerges from

the kitchen with the owner, MR. NICHOLS and a large black

COOK.

RITA:

(to NICHOLS)

He was making trouble one minute

and the next he was on the floor.

RITA automatically reaches out as she talks for what she

thinks is the MAN's arm. Instead, PUPKIN turns around

smiling, leaving her too startled to speak. NICHOLS and

the COOK lift the MAN to his feet.

COOK:

Okay, buddy, here we go.

NICHOLS and the COOK lead the MAN, who is still groggy, out

of the bar as RITA continues to stare at PUPKIN with a

mixture of curiosity and amusement.

RITA:

Okay, Tarzan. Where do we eat tonight?

CUT TO:

13INT:
CHINESE RESTAURANT ON UPPER WEST SIDE - NIGHT

We are in the kitchen watching two dishes being chopped,

shredded and boiled in deep fat. The activity is frantic.

WE FOLLOW the two dishes as a WAITER carries them from the

kitchen to a booth where PUPKIN and RITA are talking. It

is a painfully plain restaurant, shaped in a rectangle,

with booths lining either side and a row of little tables

in between. At the back is the kitchen and two phone

booths, facing each other. An old Chinese WOMAN mans the

cash register by the door. The WAITER sets the dishes down

before RITA and PUPKIN and clears an enormous plate of

spare rib bones from RITA's place. RITA hands the WAITER

her empty cocktail glass. RITA and PUPKIN are facing one

another.

RITA:

Another one, Chan.

PUPKIN:

(to WAITER)

Chopsticks, please.

The WAITER nods and leaves.

RITA:

So all this time you've been thinking

about me, huh?

PUPKIN:

That's right, Rita.

RITA:

What kinds of things were you thinking?

PUPKIN drops his eyes shyly. RITA starts laughing.

RITA:

Oh, ho! Those kinds of things! Shame

on you, Rupert.

PUPKIN:

Rita, I assure you there was ...

RITA:

Rupert Pupkin is an unclean person!

PUPKIN:

Come on, Rita. People will hear.

RITA:

(in a whisper)

Rupert Pupkin is an unclean person. Oh,

come on, Rupert. Relax. Have a little fun.

WAITER arrives with RITA's drink and chopsticks and a beer

for PUPKIN.

PUPKIN:

This is a very important evening to me,

Rita.

RITA:

Did you know your nose wiggled when

you talked?

PUPKIN:

It does?

RITA:

Yeah. Just the tip. Like a rabbit.

(pause) Hey, are we gonna eat or

what? I'm starving.

PUPKIN serves RITA.

RITA:

It always looks like they put worms

in this stuff.

PUPKIN:

Just taste.

RITA tastes.

RITA:

Well, I guess it won't kill me.

PUPKIN:

This is supposed to be the finest

Cantonese cuisine in the city.

RITA:

Yeah? Then what happened to the

tablecloths?

PUPKIN drops his eyes.

RITA:

Oh, don't worry about it. This is

fine. (She takes a long drink) I'm

having a good time. So you've been

devoted to me, huh?

PUPKIN:

I used to see you at the Garden

every year.

RITA:

Oh, the Follies. That was the right

name for 'em. How did you know which

one was me? We all looked like chickens.

What I mean is, we all looked like the

same chicken. I thought it was gonna be

Rita Keane in the Ice Follies and I

wind up looking like Henny Penny.

RITA chuckles to herself.

PUPKIN:

You just didn't get the breaks.

RITA:

Breaks, bullshit! My parents didn't

have the money for the right coach.

But what difference does it make?

She starts laughing to herself.

RITA:

I remember once we were down in

Atlanta and the ice machine broke

down. We did three hours of slush.

Everyone was falling on their faces

and hopping up with their arms open

for a bow like the whole thing was

planned. And the people ate it up.

PUPKIN:

I liked the show.

RITA:

Yeah? The Follies? You really must

have been carrying the torch. What

did you think when I got married?

You knew I got married?

PUPKIN:

I knew it wouldn't last.

RITA:

You think I should have married you,

instead, huh?

PUPKIN:

Peter Drysdale! Really, Rita!

RITA:

If he'd only been hit by a train.

He was worth a helluva lot more dead

than alive, I can tell you that.

RITA raises her glass to the WAITER who is standing nearby,

talking with another WAITER. As she does, a nice-looking

young MAN sitting in the middle aisle raises his glass of

beer to her and drinks it, as a kind of toast. RITA

smiles briefly and her eyes return to PUPKIN. The YOUNG

MAN is seated behind PUPKIN, facing RITA. The WAITER comes

over and collects the glass. Throughout the rest of the

scene, a subtle flirtation continues between RITA and the

YOUNG MAN.

PUPKIN:

Are you seeing anyone?

RITA starts for a moment, thinking PUPKIN has caught her

looking at the YOUNG MAN.

RITA:

What do you mean?

PUPKIN:

I want to know about the competition,

that's all.

RITA:

Well, tomorrow night, I've got a date

with Joe Namath -- you know Joe. And

Thursday --- let's see --

PUPKIN:

I'm serious, Rita.

RITA:

(imitating him)

I'm serious, Rita. (In her own voice)

Sure I see people. I'm not a nun, Rupert.

I see a lot of people.

PUPKIN:

Anyone special?

RITA:

(chuckling)

You mean am I "going steady"? Rupert,

I'm thirty-one years old!

PUPKIN:

What about that guy tonight?

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