The Kitchen Page #3

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- Sorry.

- Yeah, no, that's okay.

Did you, um, tell her

about the party I was throwing?

I did.

Yeah?

What did she say?

Well, I mean,

I haven't told her yet, but I'm going to.

Huh.

Do you hate it?

Hate what?

You know, the party, everything.

No. Stan, you are

so great to do all this.

I mean, it's so sweet really.

Okay. Have you seen

the photographer yet?

What photographer?

Come on.

I mean, it's your 30th birthday.

It's a big deal. It's special.

Is it?

Yes. Yes. A third of your life lived.

Oh, God. Do I really have

to live to be 90?

That seems so daunting.

Come on. You've got to get

into the spirit of this.

All right.

I will.

Yay. It's my birthday. I'm just...

Birthdays are always

special to me, I don't know.

I just think things like

Christmas and birthdays...

and Halloween are like...

What? I think all that kind

of stuff is for children.

You know, you don't have an ounce of

sentimentality in your entire body.

Is that such a bad thing?

I made the chili.

I mean, I don't know...

Stan, I...

[ Groans ] I really appreciate it.

Okay.

Stan. Wait. Come...

You're not gonna follow me out?

Was I supposed to?

I mean, I was upset. You saw I was upset.

Nah.

[ Groans ]

[ Chattering ]

What's up, guys?

Hey!

Keep the party going!

Looking good.

Thank you.

[ Pam ] That's funny.

What is?

You're smoking inside.

When I lived here,

Adam had to go outside to smoke?

Adam was an a**hole

and a complete waste of your time.

Okay, first of all,

Adam was delightful, all right?

And second of all, maybe he wouldn't have been

so damn angry if he could smoke inside...

and not have to go outside and battle a

raccoon every time he wants a smoke.

I'm just smoking because

I'm a little stressed out.

Is it because

of your birthday? 'Cause you're turning 30?

No, that's not why.

Is it because Penny's

getting an abortion next week?

What?

Did she tell you that?

A lot of people told me that.

I wish the world would

just choke to death on gossip.

If you think about it,

it's not that big of a deal.

Isn't a man wearing a condom

a form of an abortion?

Stops it from going in.

No baby to be had.

Speaking of people

we wish were aborted...

I don't think

we were talking about that.

How long have you known Paul?

Since high school. Why?

We broke up.

Wait. Why?

He cheated on me.

Right.

Do you know with who or...

I don't know. He wouldn't tell me.

But I think it was

more than one girl.

And I think it was

even some of my friends.

I'm sorry. I...

Excuse yourself.

Hi, Kim.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

I'm so, so sorry.

People who get me birthday gifts

do not have to apologize.

I know,

but I should, um... Kim, not now.

What you were saying

before, about Paul, I... Kim. Kim.

What?

Uh...

Wow. Really?

Out of the two of you, I would've thought

Amanda would be the one to stab me in the back.

Jennifer!

Wow!

Well, that was

incredibly offensive.

Amanda.

What?

You can probably cut the speech.

I know you're

sleeping with Paul.

What? How would

you even know that?

'Cause Paul and I are really

close, and he tells me everything.

Well, I'm sure he doesn't tell you everything.

You mean like every detail?

Maybe not every detail,

but that you guys...

are having sex

pretty frequently, yep.

Intercourse.

Sex.

Did he tell you about the, um...

The woman that you picked up in the

bar in West Hollywood? Oh, yeah.

Did he show you...

The photographs?

Why document if you

don't want it seen, you know.

Paul... Is Paul here?

I sure hope so.

Is he here?

I need to talk to him.

Wow.

[ Sighs ] Yep.

That's gonna work. What?

So she's a cop from Mexico. No, she's a Los

Angeles City cop from a Mexican family.

And why do you wanna take her to the rodeo?

She took me to the rodeo.

Did you hear a word I've said?

Okay if I get one of these?

Yeah, go ahead.

Fresh out of the oven. Thanks.

I make really good eggs

in the morning too... if you're still here.

Nice. Good.

Wow.

You have definitely

improved with age. [ Both Laugh ]

So, did you hear

what I was talking about? No. What?

I had a date with a cop.

Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Ah-ha-ha! Got me. "His."

Like I'm gay.

Just like high school.

Oh, I bet it is.

I got beat up a lot.

Wings for my gay friend?

Yeah, don't mind if I do.

There you have it.

It looks pretty good.

I'm gonna make some blue cheese happy.

You look great by the way.

- Thank you, Kenny.

- [ Kenny ] Hey!

Oh, yeah.

What took you so long?

What do you mean?

I was expecting you hours ago.

I said that I would bring the cake over on her birthday.

It's still her birthday, right?

But I said to come by early.

But I couldn't, so I came by now.

Just be happy

that the traffic... What the hell is this?

It's a cake.

Yeah, but why does it

say "Jenni"?

[ Chuckling ]

She's gonna freak out.

What's the big deal?

It's her name,

isn't it? No, no, no.

I said "Jennifer."

I said put "Jennifer."

She hates to be called Jenny.

You even spelled it with an "I."

She probably won't even notice.

Oh course she's gonna notice.

It's in the middle of the cake.

Look, do you think you can take it ba...

Who does that?

I'm in the middle of talking.

You don't walk away

when someone's talking.

You know, like...

Kenny, I feel you walking away.

You're...

Kenny? Ke...

Okay. You can do this.

You can fix this.

Stan to the rescue.

[ Door Closes ]

Yeah, yeah.

This is officially

the whitest party I've ever been to.

Lot of beers,

lot of Arcade Fire.

No... No offense.

Dude, no worries.

[ Chuckles ] It's still early.

Well, I thought there would be, like, hot

Asian chicks here at the very least.

Oh! When we do meet

some women, I have the perfect card trick.

Please put those away.

Come on. Let me practice on you.

No, no.

"Let me practice on you."

Do I have to repeat to you

how uncomfortable that sentence makes me?

Dude, women love magicians.

Love 'em.

You know what?

You... sort of make me believe in God,

because it is a miracle

that you have ever gotten laid.

Like colleges should study you.

I think some interesting results

would be yielded from that essay.

Do you think I should

have brought my guitar? Yeah.

Then I could've

broken it over your head. Ah, kabong!

[ Grunts ] What the f***?

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

Hmm?

Um, the name

on the cake was wrong,

so I'm just gonna

change it really quick.

You're gonna use the marker?

Yeah, I don't think

that you've thought this through.

Yeah, I guess not, huh?

Oh, man, hey. Um...

Glad you could make it.

Welcome.

Thanks.

And I just wanna say

from everyone here,

really, um, thank you.

Really.

Okay.

Seriously, again, thank you.

Okay, what is with you?

Well, I just heard you guys don't like to talk about it.

You just wanna be thanked.

For what? For slavery?

No. [ Chuckles ]

No, for the war. Oh, yeah.

I gotcha.

The Civil War. What? No.

Uh...

[ Chuckles ] Iraq.

I wasn't in Iraq.

I'm sorry.

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