The Kitchen Page #5

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how I got pregnant. Mm! Oh, God.

[ Both Laugh ]

Okay, don't wait up.

I just woke up, so...

Good luck!

[ Chuckles ]

Yes. I'm ready to

buy you that beer now. [ Laughs ]

[ Chattering ]

I got it. [ Giggles ]

[ Gasps ] I love your earrings.

I'm afraid

to get my ears pierced...

which is weird...

[ Laughs ] because I love pain.

You love pain?

Yeah, well, I sort of separate the

world into the two "S" and "M" groups:

You know, those

who love to use the whip...

and those who love

to get whipped.

- Oh, you love

getting whipped? - [ Giggles ]

Well, it doesn't have

to be an actual whip.

You know what I mean?

So, uh, which group

would you put me into then?

Well,

you think you love the lash,

but you're actually more comfortable

administering the punishment.

It's in the way you sit

on that stool...

like you own this house

and everyone here.

Who are you?

Nikki.

Nikki, I do think

you're a little kooky.

[ Laughs ]

Well, isn't everyone,

once you get to know them?

Not really.

Well, I better

get back out there.

That drummer? Super hot.

Is he?

Like a nova.

The star, not the car.

[ Laughs ] Bye!

[ Chattering ]

No! How many times

are you gonna ask me that?

It was this card.

I know it was. Look. Look.

I know what

the two of clubs looks like.

Uh, it wasn't it, so I'm sorry.

Peter, man, just leave it.

Just... Wait. What...

What was your card?

I believe you're supposed

to tell me that.

Magically so.

I'm gonna magically

put my foot up your ass.

That'd be a better trick

than that one. Calm down.

- Let's just go check out

this band. - I'll see you out there.

[ Andre ] Laters.

What was your card?

Uh, I didn't want to

tell him I was actually so stoned I forgot.

Very well may have been

the two of clubs. I don't know.

You, sir, are no friend

to the world of magic.

That's true.

So,

what do you think

of the name Kenneth?

Uh, I actually think of you

when I think of the name Kenneth,

which makes me think

about a guy with nappy hair...

who doesn't know

when to stop talking.

No, I was thinking

of Kenneth as a name for the baby.

The only baby in this room...

is a guy who works

at an overpriced clothing store on Melrose.

Ow. Ice-cold Parker sisters.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

That's right.

Now get out of here

before I have to use the whip on you.

You don't fool me.

I don't?

Would it embarrass you if I told you

I'm going to marry you one day?

You don't stop, do you?

You charm me, Penny Parker.

[ Laughs ] God.

I can wait around as long as it takes

until you realize I charmed you too.

I'm gonna wait around outside.

[ Laughs ]

What do you think?

Light the cake?

Stan, you look pale.

You should just sit down.

Okay. Yeah.

[ Exhales ]

What's wrong?

I, um,

heard that Paul and Jennifer

might have broken up.

- Is that true?

- It is. As of last night.

Sorry. I kind of thought

they were perfect together.

- [ Chuckles ]

- Were they?

'Cause it was...

Jennifer and Paul.

I don't know.

What are you squawking about?

I mean,

this is your big chance. What?

Okay, everybody knows that you want to slip a

finger or two in my sister's fancy panties.

What? No. No.

Well, you know,

you've certainly put in the time,

and she's gonna

get drunk tonight...

and she's gonna jump

somebody's bones.

No. We're friends. We're just...

We're just friends.

Okay, you know, if you're

playing for the other team,

I think that's...

I think that's really cool too.

That's fine.

Oh, okay. All right.

Thanks for the advice.

Appreciate it, Penny.

[ Kim ]

...so forget her.

Do you think

we would make good babies?

Oh, God.

No.

[ Woman ] There was this party.

It had so many people.

And you can, you know,

meet them.

[ Man, Faint ]

[ Chattering ]

Is that an appendix?

That's cruel.

[ Faint ]

Have you ever

been in Brooklyn? No.

[ Women Chattering ]

Hi. Hey, Penny.

Hi.

Hey.

It's a fun party.

Where... Where did...

I'm gonna go check on the birthday girl.

She knows too!

I have to get out of here.

Oh, calm down.

Just stay. It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I thought I could get her alone

and talk to her,

but she doesn't want

to talk to me.

Did you see the disgust in her eyes

when she was talking to me before?

No, I didn't.

Well, it's there.

She's like imagining...

[ Shutter Clicking ]

What are you doing?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, which one of you guys

is the birthday girl?

Neither of us.

Stop that.

Come on, don't be shy.

You're just being shy

right now. Oh, my God.

Go away.

Hey, come back.

Are you Jennifer?

'Cause you totally look like a Jennifer.

- No. No, I'm not.

- Jennifer is somewhere else.

You being serious right now?

Yes.

Can you believe

this is what I do for a living?

[ Kim ]

What's going on? I don't know.

Oh, dear.

I just asked you guys

a question. What?

Excuse me. We were

in the middle of a private conversation.

Can you believe

this is what I do for a living?

I went to f***ing grad school.

And you know what I'm doing?

I'm shooting

nine-year-old kids' birthday parties.

And you know

what I caught last month?

The mumps.

Catching mumps as an adult

is actually very dangerous.

You can die from it.

Can you?

F*** that.

Hey. Oh...

Oh, there she is!

[ Laughs ]

Yeah! Show me

those big eyes of yours!

Oh, baby blues.

[ Giggles ]

Aw, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

Look at you.

[ Laughs ]

Are you the birthday girl?

No, my birthday's next month.

You're being

incredibly unhelpful.

I heard he's crazy.

[ Tapping ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Tapping Continues ]

Oh, sh*t. It's Paul.

What do I do?

Pretend like you didn't see him.

What do you mean?

I'm staring at him.

He's staring at me

while I'm staring at him.

Well, turn around.

[ Paul ]

Thank you. Sure.

Kim, what are you doing?

Please don't talk to me. You've already

cost me one of my best friends.

I told you not to tell her.

And Jennifer is hardly

your best friend.

- I mean,

she thinks you're stupid. - She does not.

Look, it doesn't matter.

I need you to go get my computer, okay?

I left it in there, and I don't want to

cause a whole scene by going back inside.

No. Find someone else.

Come here.

No. I will not.

Well, Kim?

I...

What? What?

Why are you acting like this?

I... I really... I really...

I hate you so much, Paul.

You don't miss me?

No.

At all?

No, I miss talking to you,

but I don't miss any of the other stuff.

Hmm.

I remember tears of joy

as I was down there last night.

I know, but I felt like

such a whore after.

- Does Jennifer really think I'm stupid?

- [ Paul ] It doesn't matter.

Look, the important thing is

that we could be together now.

No!

Why not?

I can't be a homewrecker.

I'd rather die. Oh, my God.

Kim, the home

is already wrecked.

Kim, who cares? Really.

Like, America is at two wars right now.

We're about to start a third.

I mean, life is too short.

You are so political.

Look, it's not gonna happen

with Jennifer and I. It's just not.

You know?

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