The Kitchen Page #7

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Hey, don't say things

you can't take back.

That's why you can't get a job,

because you're f***ing terrible.

That is below the belt,

and you know that.

And I didn't want any money

from your dad...

because he's a creepy,

drunken a**hole,

which is exactly what you're gonna

be before you f***ing know it.

- I don't even drink.

- F*** you, Paul.

Oh, God.

She assaulted you.

Should we call the police?

No.

See if there's any

other frozen vegetables for his nose.

I just wanna get out of here.

Well, you can't move.

I know. That's why

I need your help.

Come on.

Here.

[ Groaning ] Good.

Okay.

Oh, wait. My computer.

- It's right over there.

- And get his shoes too.

Oh, yeah.

My shoes are right there. Thank you.

- What the f***?

- No, It's not what it looks like.

Hey, man...

What the f***.

Not the face, please.

[ Groans Sharply ]

Tony!

[ Snarls ]

What the f*** are you doing?

I'm out getting the band, and you

decide to f*** around with this guy?

- F*** that.

- You left me here.

I told you I'm coming back.

You didn't say anything. You just left.

Well, I'm here right now.

[ Wheezing ]

Look at those pussies.

Let's go out there and show these

motherfuckers what a real band sounds like.

[ Roars ] Tony!

[ Chattering, Whooping ]

Who was that?

I don't know.

It was Tony.

He's in a band. Why did he hit you?

I don't know.

Just get me out of here. Okay.

[ Groaning ]

My computer.

Yup. Need that.

Okay.

What are those?

Oh, that's my handkerchief.

Okay.

Don't worry about it.

All right.

Here we go.

[ Crowd Exclaims ]

[ Andre ] No, actually, it is

kind of weird and ridiculous,

and I don't understand

is what I'm saying.

I don't understand

what you don't understand.

It's like I went to some alternate

universe where magic is a turn-on.

[ Squeals ]

Hey, ready to hit it, babe?

Yes, please.

Get me out of here. [ Squeals ]

Yeah, someone punch me in the

face so I can wake up from this.

- Hey, you should come with us.

- No. No, never.

I'm not going anywhere

where people like your shitty card tricks.

Tell him.

Tell him who's gonna be there.

Oh, it's just gonna be

some math students from UCLA.

I don't like one word

in that sentence. Oh.

Well, does your friend have

a problem with Asian girls? I guess.

- I'm sorry. Asian girls?

- Drunk, hot Asian girls.

- Drunk, hot Asian girls.

- [ Andre ] Give me those cards.

Let me see those cards. Go, go, go.

Before he comes. Before he comes.

[ Chattering ]

...but she was fine.

No, no, no. Sit down.

Fine.

Sit down.

There's something wrong

with Brent.

[ Stan ] Okay, look. He has a problem,

but he takes medication, so he's fine.

- What if he doesn't take his medication?

- Don't worry about that.

But Brent told me earlier that he had,

in fact, stopped taking his pills.

Brent?

Look, Stan, it's fine.

Okay? I'm fine.

I'm cured.

Okay, but that's

not how it works.

If you get a stomachache

and take medicine and you feel better,

you stop taking the medication.

You don't take it

for the rest of your natural life.

That's like not how things

are supposed to work.

Look, are you gonna be okay,

or am I going to have to call your mom?

Yeah, good luck.

There are no phones

on Mars, so...

My mother goes to Mars...

for the outlet sales,

and I tell her

we have sales here.

I need you to watch him

for me, okay?

I don't have time

for this. I can't.

[ Stammers ]

Crazy people make me

feel very uncomfortable.

No. No.

I've seen him way worse.

That makes me feel

so much better.

Why are you

doing this now anyway?

This party is in trouble.

It could use the cake.

Cake to the rescue.

Right.

Get the door.

Yeah.

[ Whispering ] Yeah.

I'm not a bad person.

I help people when I can.

I give money to things.

Charities.

Tell me the truth.

Do you think I'm a bad person?

Yes.

Jesus, you see right through me.

Yes.

Okay, you can come home

with me tonight,

but no fooling around, okay?

Yes?

[ Bottle Clatters On Floor ]

Ohh. Let's go.

Come on, sexy.

Oh, by the way,

I usually wear underwear.

[ Marco Speaks Italian ]

[ Both Shouting ]

[ Chattering, Whooping ]

[ Bottle Cap Clatters

On Floor ]

Check that out.

Kenneth.

Pamela.

It's like the Cookie Monster

walked in here. [ Chuckles ]

So loud.

Hungry.

Did I hear right?

Are you dating a cop?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

She didn't want to see me.

Really?

Yeah. She was

into some other cop...

about 10 years older than me.

Irish. Married.

Well, she sounds stupid.

Yeah, she is.

[ Chuckles ]

Plus, I'm in love with someone else.

I know.

I wanna be in love.

You will be.

You think anyone

will ever throw me a party?

I'll throw you one next week.

Better be wings.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, there's gonna be wings.

Chili?

Chili. Yeah.

Probably blue cheese.

No. Can't have a party without blue cheese.

Mm-mmm.

Blue cheese makes parties. [ Chuckles ]

[ Amplifier:
Feedback ]

Why is Stan following

Jennifer with that cake? I don't know.

Jesus, I'm stoned.

You're seeing

this stuff too, right?

I am, but I think...

Oh! That's no...

[ Laughs ]

Watch out. Watch out.

Watch out. [ Jennifer ] Stan.

[ Mutters ] Stan.

- This mean there's

not gonna be cake? - F*** off, Kenny!

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I bother.

[ Laughing ] Then don't.

Penny, will you just be quiet?

Where's Brent?

Stan, what can I do?

Nothing. Nothing, just...

do whatever you want.

That's what you do anyway.

Hey, who makes a girl go

to her a birthday party...

after she just broke up

with her boyfriend of three years?

Okay, it's two and a half,

and I'm fine.

I've already made out with

an Italian exchange student.

[ Penny ]

That's what I'm sayin'.

Unbelievable.

Oh, what? You wanted him

for yourself?

Okay, that's the 30th time

you've implied that I'm gay.

Well, if the implication fits.

Whatever.

You know you never made it

out of your sister's shadow.

What?

Didn't work during

your bulimic years.

It's not working

with the one-night stands.

- Whoa, shut up, Stan.

- You will never be as beautiful as your sister is.

No wonder you get knocked up.

You need some attention around here.

- Stan.

- Whoa, Stan. Knock it off. What are you doing?

She can make fun of me.

She can say whatever the f*** she wants...

[ Voice Cracking ]

but I can't bring up the abortion?

We can talk about anything

you want to talk about.

Okay, let's see how many jokes you crack when

your feet are in the stirrups on Thursday.

Stan, that's enough.

What are you doing?

Wow.

I hope that felt good.

Wow.

I think this party's over.

[ Penny ]

Stan, you're just a very pleasant host.

Thank you very much

for having us.

All right, party's over.

Gotta get out of here.

I'm gonna stay. I used to live here.

No. You don't live here anymore.

Get out. She's right. I'm gonna leave.

[ Penny ]

Everybody, oh, my God, the cops are coming!

They're coming. Oh, my God!

Get out of here right now.

Good-bye. Get out.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

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