The Landlord Page #3

OR ANYTHING:

LIKE THAT?

BIRD!

ELGAR, WOULD YOU DO ME

A FANTASTIC FAVOR?

WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T TALK ABOUT SPADES

TO POOR PETER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WITH THE NAPALM:

AND ALL THAT,

HE'S VERY SENSITIVE

ABOUT THE NEW LEFT.

AND, ELGAR...

WHAT?

I LOVE HIM.

[SNIFFING]

BIRD!

[GUNSHOTS]

ELGAR!

MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU TWO

BURNING UP HERE?

WHAT IS THAT?

[COUGH]

UH...MY SOCKS

CAUGHT ON FIRE.

YOUR SOCKS:

CAUGHT ON FIRE.

WELL, PUT THEM OU AND GET DOWNSTAIRS,

THE BOTH OF YOU.

PETER'S GETTING BORED.

TASTE GOOD?

GOD, I'D LOVE

A LITTLE DEN:

SOMEWHERE.

SUSAN, DEAR,

YOU CANNOT GO ON

FALLING DOWN:

THE STAIRS:

LIKE THIS.

TELL ME A PROPER WAY

TO FALL DOWN THE STAIRS,

I'LL TRY TO DO IT.

SUSU, YOU REALLY MUS GET A CHECKUP.

THIS COULD BE A CASE

OF LACK OF COORDINATION.

MAYBE IT'S CEREBRAL PALSY.

COULD BE YOU'RE

SMOKING TOO MUCH.

YOUNG MAN,

I'LL NOT HAVE YOU

TALKING AGAINS THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY

IN THIS HOUSE.

HAVE YOU BOUGH INTO TOBACCO,

MR. ENDERS?

MR. COOTES...

IN SOME CIRCLES,

YOU MIGHT SAY:

I AM TOBACCO.

THAT'S REALLY COOL,

MR. ENDERS.

UH, WE'RE NAPALM.

IS THAT ALL?

NO.

WE'RE, UH...

INSECTICIDE:

AND DEODORAN AND, UH...

[DOOR CLOSES]

MOM.

MOM.

SUSU. DAD.

SUSU. DAD.

SORRY WE'RE

LATE, GANG,

BUT THE TRAFFIC...

OH, GOD,

THE TRAFFIC...

PETER, I'D LIKE YOU

TO MEET MY SON.

SUSU TALKS:

OF NO ONE ELSE.

THAT'S ALL SHE

TALKS ABOUT--

ELGAR, ELGAR, ELGAR.

WILLIAM JR.

WILLIAM JR.

PETER.

NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S ELGAR.

I'M WILLIAM JR.

THIS IS:

WILLIAM JR.

WHY DON'T WE ALL

GO IN TO DINNER.

WILLIAM JR.?

COME ALONG, DORIS.

MMM.

MMM.

MM.

MM.

OH. SORRY, DAD.

THANK YOU, SON.

TO YOU.

THANK YOU, DAD.

DAD.

HMM?

I KNOW I'M NO SUPPOSED TO SAY THIS,

BUT WILLIAM JR. HAS

A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

SURPRISE?

SURPRISE, DAD.

WHAT SURPRISE?

WILLIAM JR.

HAS BEEN PROMOTED

TO HEAD:

THE NEW YORK OFFICE.

YES, DAD,

I'M HEADING

THE NEW YORK OFFICE.

WELL, WILLIAM JR.,

IT'S NO MORE THAN

I EXPECTED OF YOU.

ELGAR,

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I'M NOT DEAF, DAD.

ELGAR, ANSWER

YOUR FATHER.

DID YOU HEAR?

YEAH, I HEARD HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU:

UP TO, ELGAR?

ELGAR'S BOUGH SOME REAL ESTATE,

HAVEN'T YOU, ELGAR?

SUSAN.

WHERE IS THIS:

REAL ESTATE,

ELGAR?

THE PARK SLOPE AREA,

WILLIAM JR.

IT'S 2 MILES SOUTH

OF THE DODD-SEARS TOWNHOUSE

ON CONCORD STREET.

SUSAN, TAKE THE CLIP

OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

2 MILES SOUTH...

PARK SLOPE.

PARK SLOPE?

GOOD GOD.

ELGAR, ARE YOU

AWARE THAT, UH...

THAT'S A COLORED

NEIGHBORHOOD?

COLORED NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'M THREE DOORS

FROM MOM'S

CHITLIN 'N' RIB JOINT.

OH, ELGAR.

WE WILL NOT DISCUSS

THE REVOLTING ASPECTS OF

YOUR BUSINESS VENTURE,

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

WHAT'S I ALL ABOUT, FOLKS?

WELL, PETER, UM...

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HEAR,

SINCE YOU'RE LIKELY

TO MARRY MY SISTER,

IF SHE HASN' TOLD YOU ALREADY.

TOLD ME WHAT?

ELGAR, DON' YOU DARE.

WE CAN'T KEEP IT SECRE ALL OUR LIVES.

YOU WANT TO HEAR

THE TRUTH.

IT INVOLVES:

YOU AND SUSAN.

WHAT ARE YOU:

TALKING ABOUT?

PETER, ACTUALLY, UH...

OUR WHOLE FAMILY--

MOM, SUSU, DAD,

WILLIAM JR.,

AND GRANDFATHER HERE...

WE ARE ALL...

OCTOROONS.

WHAT AN UGLY THING

TO SAY.

I'M OFFENDED.

OCTOROON?

HEYWOOD AND EDITH ARE

OUR POOR DARK RELATIONS.

ELGAR!

WOULD YOU PLEASE

EXPLAIN YOUR CONDUC AT THIS TABLE

TONIGHT?

DARLING, COME ON,

APOLOGIZE.

HE MAKES NAPALM:

AND DEODORANT.

AND INSECTICIDE.

YOU LAZY,

NO-GOOD LIBERAL.

SHALL I SERVE:

THE FISH--

WHAT?

OH. YES, BRING IN

THE FISH...PLEASE.

LET ME TELL YOU:

SOMETHING,

MR. LINCOLN.

IF YOU MARCH:

INTO THIS HOUSE:

WITH AN ARMFUL:

OF PICKANINNIES,

THE BEST YOU CAN

EXPECT FROM ME:

WILL BE A SWIFT KICK

IN THE ASS!

MR. ENDERS, YOU FORGO TO FINISH YOUR SOUP.

UH! I'M JUS TOO UPSET, EDITH.

EDITH, BRING IN

SOME OF THA WONDERFUL TROU OF YOURS, PLEASE.

I THINK THAT'LL

HELP EVERYTHING.

THANK YOU.

LORD, MR. ELGAR,

YOU SURE LOVE EDITH'S

COLD POTATO SOUP.

YOU WANT SOME MORE, SIR?

THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,

FOLKS.

THERE'S PLENTY MORE

SOUP IN THE KITCHEN

IF ANYBODY:

WANTS ANY.

ELGAR, GET OU OF THIS ROOM!

GO!

DO YOU KNOW WHA NAACP MEANS?

NO, ELGAR.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

IT MEANS, "N*GGERS AIN' ALWAYS COLORED PEOPLE."

WHAT DOES:

HE MEAN BY THAT?

HE CALLED US N*GGERS.

US?

HEYWOOD.

KNOCK IT OFF.

RITA, I JUST WAN TO TALK TO YOU.

NO. NO, I DON'T.

I JUST WANT TO--

RITA? I WANT TO TALK--

SALLY, THE THING

THAT AMAZES ME THE MOS IS THAT MY PARENTS

DON'T UNDERSTAND

THAT THEY ARE TOTALLY,

TOTALLY ANTICHRISTIAN.

PLEASE, ELGAR,

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T HAVE TIME

TO TALK TO YOU.

IT'S NOT LIKE

I COME AROUND:

WITH MY PROBLEMS--

I HAVE TO MAKE FESTOONS

FOR THE "WORTHY CAUSES" BALL.

I JUST WANT TO COME IN

FOR A FEW MINUTES.

LET ME COME IN:

FOR A FEW MINUTES.

WHO'S THAT?

HE'S, UM...

HE'S HELPING ME

WITH THE FESTOONS.

OH.

AHEM.

YEAH, WELL, TILL

I SEE YOU AGAIN,

HAVE A MERRY:

CHRISTMAS:

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN,

AND SCREW YOU, TOO.

HEY, YOU KNOW THA PEACE SYMBOL THING

YOU GOT HANGING:

AROUND YOUR NECK--

SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

LET ME:

LOVE YOU, BABY

I WAN TO LOVE YOU NOW

CLOSE YOUR EYES:

AND SHUT OFF THE LIGHT

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW

LAY BACK AND YOU

WILL UNDERSTAND:

THE WAY I FEEL:

EVERYTHING:

YOU'VE EVER WANTED

EVERYTHING IS REAL

LET ME LOVE:

LET ME LOVE YOU, BABY

LET ME LOVE YOU NOW

OH, LET ME

LOVE YOU, BABY

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW

WHOA, LET ME LOVE YOU

WHOA!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

UH, HI.

HI.

UH, I'M ELGAR.

MY NAME'S LANIE.

WOULD YOU LIKE:

TO DANCE?

FANTASTIC!

WHAT'S FANTASTIC?

YOU, YOUR BEING HERE,

IT'S FANTASTIC.

ARE YOU WITH V.I.S.T.A.?

IS THIS SOME SOR OF NEW PROGRAM?

V.I.S.T.A.

RIGHT.

VOLUNTEERS:

IN SERVICE TO AMERICA.

VOLUNTEERS, HUH?

YOU THINK I'M WHITE,

DON'T YOU?

OH, THA--

THAT'S...

THAT'S...

WELL, HOW WAS I

SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT,

YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED.

NO, IT'S NO THAT IMPORTANT.

WELL, O.K. O.K.

LET'S JUS KEEP DANCING.

WELL, MY MOTHER'S IRISH,

MY, UH, FATHER'S BLACK,

AND THEY GOT DIVORCED

WHEN I WAS, UH...

16 YEARS OLD.

THE COURTS SAID I SHOULD

SPEND THE WINTERS

WITH MY FATHER:

WHEN I WAS:

GOING TO SCHOOL.

IN THE SUMMER, I, UH,

LIVED WITH MY MOTHER.

SO IN THE SUMMER

I WAS WHITE,

AND...AND IN THE WINTER...

I WAS BLACK.

GOD, WHAT DID THA DO TO YOU?

I GOT VERY WISE.

SO, WHY DO YOU

WORK THERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

WHY DO I WORK:

THERE?

IT, UH...

IT'S A BAR.

WELL, I LIKE IT,

AND, UH...

AND WHAT?

AND?

COME ON, AND WHAT?

AND NOTHING.

SO IF I WALK UP:

TO YOU:

AND I SAY,

"I RECOGNIZE YOU,"

THEN, UH...

THEN WHAT?

WE RECOGNIZE...

RECOGNIZE SOMETHING

THAT WE'VE

ALWAYS KNOWN.

[LAUGHS]

I GUESS THAT DOESN' MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE,

DOES IT?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

YOU'RE 29 YEARS OLD,

AND YOU STILL:

LIVE AT HOME?

IT'S A BIG HOUSE.

OH, NO HOUSE

IS THAT BIG.

WELL, COME ON,

LET'S GO.

WHERE?

TO MY PLACE.

YOU SURE:

IT'S ALL RIGHT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, ELGAR,

BUT TOMORROW:

YOU HAVE TO GO HOME.

COME ON, ELGAR,

I HAVE A CLASS:

AT 1:
00.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

24?

I'M 26 YEARS OLD.

I BELIEVED YOU:

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