The Landlord Page #5

I CAN'T HAVE ONE.

IT ISN'T PHYSICALLY

POSSIBLE.

A CASTRATION COMPLEX

IS ONE OF THE CROSSES

A LIBERATED FEMALE

MUST BEAR!

YOU THINK:

I'M A LIBERATOR,

DEAR?

JOYCE,

YOU ARE A LIBERATED,

AGGRESSIVE, BUTCH

AMERICAN BROAD.

DOESN'T MEAN

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN,

DEAR?

IT MEANS I'M GOING

TO DO WHAT I WAN WITH MY DAMN LIFE.

SO...

YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY

A NEGRESS. HA HA.

YOU'LL

BE HAPPY TO HEAR

SHE'S VERY LIGHT.

SON, DO ME A FAVOR.

MAKE SURE.

OH, MOTHER.

I DON'T CARE.

DON'T YOU

UNDERSTAND?

WHY DON'T YOU COME

DOWN TO MY HOUSE

AND HELP ME PLAN

WHAT TO DO?

ME, YOUR CASTRATED

MOTHER?

WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY

DO TO HELP?

JUST HELP ME PLAN IT.

YOU CAN PICK OU THE DRAPES, UH,

WALLPAPER,

STUFF LIKE THAT.

HUH?

HUH?

YOU ONLY HAVE TO

ASK, DEAR.

THAT'S ALL YOU'VE

EVER HAD TO DO.

AND DON'T WORRY

ABOUT THAT GIRL, DEAR.

IF SHE'S

PUTTING YOU ON,

SHE'S MOST LIKELY

ONLY JEWISH.

HEYWOOD,

I SHOULDN'T BE LONG.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

COME ON. GO ON, GO ON!

[CLANGING]

IF YOU WAN THE POLICE,

THEY GONE ALREADY.

UH...

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I'M MRS. ENDERS.

OH.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE?

HA HA HA. WELL,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M HIS MOTHER.

OH!

HA HA.

I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.

MARGE.

JUST CALL ME MARGE.

MARGE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,

DEAR?

SAME AS MY SON'S--

ENDERS.

OH.

HA HA HA.

WHAT'S YOUR

FIRST NAME?

JOYCE.

NICE.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE,

JOYCE?

OH...

OH, I WAS JUS BROWSING THROUGH

HOUSE BEAUTIFUL,

AND I CAME ACROSS

THIS MATERIAL:

FOR DRAPES.

I THOUGHT I'D DROP OVER

AND MEASURE THE WINDOWS

AND HAVE SOME:

MADE UP FOR ELGAR

FOR A HOUSEWARMING

GIFT, BUT...

ISN'T THAT THOUGHTFUL?

I SEW.

YOU DO?

MM-HMM. I MADE

ALL THE DESIGNS:

FOR RUBY RANDALL'S

FASHION SHOW A THE ROCK OF AGES.

YOU DID?

MM-HMM. SIT DOWN

AND DRINK YOUR WINE

BEFORE THE ICE CUBES

MELT.

FROM THE LOOKS:

OF THIS APARTMENT,

I WOULD SAY:

THE WATER COMES IN

SECONDHAND.

[THROATY LAUGHTER]

MMM.

GOOD. VERY GOOD.

TRY THIS.

THIS'LL TEAR

YOUR HEAD OFF.

WHY DOES IT FOAM

LIKE THAT?

IS THAT CARBONATED?

UH-UH.

IT'S JUST RUTHLESS.

IT'S RUTHLESS!

LISTEN, WOULD YOU

LIKE A LITTLE LUNCH?

I GO SOME HAM HOCKS,

SOME GREENS...

I NEVER EAT LUNCH.

IT'S MY OWN DIET.

NEVER.

HONEY...

YOU BETTER SIT DOWN

AND HAVE SOME LUNCH.

HOW YOU WHITE FOLKS

GOING TO DEFEND:

YOURSELF:

IF YOU DON'T EAT?

HA HA HA HA!

WHAT IS THAT?

POT LIQUOR.

POT? POT LI--

POT. POT LIQUOR.

UH, JUICE

FROM THE GREENS.

OH!

PUTS LEAD:

IN YOUR PENCIL.

LEAD IN MY PENCIL?

OH, HO HO!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

MMM!

OH, BOY.

JOYCE,

YOU COULD GE AT THOSE HOCKS

A LITTLE BETTER:

IF YOU TAKE:

YOUR GLOVES OFF.

OH, GOD. MY GLOVES!

AH...ACTUALLY,

I'VE TAKEN UP

REIMBODIMENT.

REIMBODIMENT?

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU'LL NEVER

GUESS.

HA.

DON'T COUNT ON IT.

OH, YES!

I HAVE SOMETHING

TO TELL YOU.

I DID SOMETHING:

VERY NAUGHTY:

THIS MORNING.

YOU DID?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

GUESS.

YOU DIRTIED:

ON THE FLOOR.

HA! AH HA!

NO!

NO!

GOD!

WELL, NOW, GIVE ME

TWO MORE GUESSES.

HELL NO!

HOO HOO!

HA HA HA.

HA HA HA.

OHH...

TELL US.

OH, IT'S FUNNY.

WHAT?

I FORGOT...

WHAT I DID THIS MORNING.

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

IT'S A WONDER YOU REMEMBER

WHERE YOU ARE, HONEY.

YOU ON YOUR:

SECOND JUG.

LET ME POUR YOU:

ANOTHER LITTLE NIP

HERE.

IT WASN'T IMPORTAN ANYWAY.

NO.

SO, UH...

AS I WAS SAYING.

YOU KNOW...

I WAS VERY...POPULAR

WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

AND ALL THE YOUNG MEN

WERE SO ATTRACTIVE.

OH!

OH, GOD.

AND MY HUSBAND...

TELL US.

I CAN'T REMEMBER

WHICH ONE I MARRIED.

LAST NIGHT I--

I, UH...

[TUNING PIANO]

ELGAR, WHAT'S

BOTHERING YOU?

NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

NOTHING?

AH, JUST, UH...

ELGAR, SAY IT.

SH*T.

[SLURRED VOICE]

NOW WHAT IS:

THE MATTER?

I FORGOT MY LUCKY

NUMBER AGAIN.

AND YOUR NOTE--

YOUR NOTE IS E-FLAT.

WHOO:

MORE. MORE...

WHEN DO I HI THIS NOTE?

YOU HIT I ANYTIME YOU LIKE.

IT'S YOURS.

OOH:

OOH:

OOH:

[STRIKES NOTE]

MMM...MMM.

LISTEN, NOW, NOW,

NOW,

DON'T YOU WORRY

ABOUT IT, BABY.

I'LL MAKE THE DRAPES

AND...

I'LL...

GET THE MATERIAL.

WON'T CHARGE NOTHING

LIKE THE DECORATOR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW

TO THANK YOU. HERE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HERE, TAKE THIS

CHARGER PLATE, HONEY.

GET WHAT YOU NEED.

JUST--I--

TAKE...A SWATCH

OF THAT MATERIAL

AND GET WHAT YOU WANT.

I'M GOING HOME. GOD...

WHEREVER THAT IS.

OHH...

WANT ME TO WRAP UP

A COUPLE OF THESE

HAM HOCKS FOR YOU?

UH, NO.

I'LL JUST, UH...

PUT 'EM IN MY BAG.

WELL, ALL RIGHT,

HONEY.

SINCE YOU ENJOYED

THEM SO MUCH.

HERE. TAKE THREE.

I GOT PLENTY MORE.

STAY COOL, MARGE.

MM-HMM. CAN YOU

MAKE IT DOWN?

STAY COOL.

HEY...WOOD!

MY MOUTH IS SO DRY.

WHY IS MY MOUTH:

SO DRY?

OHH...

HI.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HI. GOT A LO OF RESERVATIONS?

YEAH. WE'RE

GOING TO HAVE A LOT.

GOOD.

ANYTIME YOU LEAVE

PERFUME, LIPSTICK,

ANYTHING LIKE THA AROUND, MAN,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,

NOBODY SEES IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

CHICKS JUST GO BLIND.

TRY, UM, MISS THING.

SHE HAD A DATE:

LAST NIGHT.

MISS THING, YOU

SEEN MY PERFUME?

I THINK WE OUGHT TO

CHECK HER POCKETBOOK.

NO, I DON'T THINK

YOU'D BETTER CHECK

MY POCKETBOOK!

GIVE THIS POCKETBOOK

TO ME.

OH, LOOK AT HER.

LISTEN, YOU RAGGEDY ASS

BLACK B*TCH,

DON'T YOU MESS WITH ME.

LISTEN,

YOU HIGH-YELLOW

HEIFER,

YOU HAVE TO GE A LOT BLACKER

AND A LOT BADDER

TO STAND THERE:

AND CALL ME:

A BLACK B*TCH.

GET SOMETHING:

STRAIGHTENED OUT,

HONEY.

'CAUSE YOU GO ONE OF THEM LITTLE

BLUE-EYED WONDERS

DON'T MEAN

A F***ING THING

TO ME.

YOU CAN'T ACCOUN FOR 40 HOURS

IN:

A 24-HOUR DAY...

YOU BE DIRTY:

YOU'RE GONNA BE DIRTY

BABY:

YEAH, YEAH

YOU BE DIRTY:

YOU'RE GONNA BE DIRTY

BABY:

WHOA, YEAH

YOU BE DIRTY:

WHAT KIND OF MAN

ARE YOU?

BABY:

DO ME, DO ME RIGHT

WHAT KINDA MAN ARE YOU

BABY:

TO STAY OU ALL NIGHT LONG?

YOU'RE EARLY.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HUH?

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING?

WHAT, UH...

I QUIT MY JOB.

YOU QUIT YOUR JOB?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU:

GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW WHA I'M GOING TO DO,

ELGAR.

I JUST DON'T KNOW,

SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

HEY, W-WHAT HAPPENED?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

GOING TO TELL ME

WHAT'S WRONG?

[THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER

PLAYS]

SO, MY DEAR,

IF WE CAN RAISE:

150,000 FOR LAURA'S

THING NEXT MONTH,

WE'VE GOT THE COOPERATION

OF ST. ANDREWS

AND THAT WHOLE BUNCH.

JOYCE, DARLING,

LILY'S BEING MOVED

TO MERCY HOSPITAL.

IT LOOKS VERY BAD.

IT'S A MATTER

OF TIME.

OH, POOR LILY!

I DON'T SEE WHA THAT HAS TO DO

WITH IT.

SHE'S NO ON THE COMMITTEE.

I KNOW, BUT IF LILY

PASSES AWAY, DEAR,

THE FUNERAL WILL BE

AN ABSOLUTE MESS.

JOYCE, ISN'T THA ELGAR COMING IN?

OH, THANK GOD.

ELGAR!

ELGAR.

UH, ELGAR!

WHAT IS THIS:

COSTUME?

DID YOU COME:

ALL THE WAY HERE

TO EMBARRASS ME?

WHO IS THAT?

IS THA BUNNY OLIVER?

NO, MOTHER,

THIS IS LANIE.

I TOLD YOU ABOU LANIE.

WHAT DID YOU:

TELL ME?

THAT I THOUGH I WAS IN LOVE.

COME MEE MR. AND MRS. DORY

AND THEIR DAUGHTER

ALL THE WAY:

FROM VIRGINIA.

EXCUSE ME, DEAR.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

MOTHER,

SCREW MR. AND MRS. DORY

AND THEIR DAUGHTER,

AND SCREW VIRGINIA!

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