The Last Horror Movie Page #3

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as your TV, for example.

Now, would you have sold your TV

to save that woman's life...

given the option?

Well, if you think "yes"...

then why not

for the African child?

And if you think "No"...

then what are you giving me

a hard time for?

Well, it's about this woman...

who discovers that

she can listen in...

on other people's thoughts.

And at first

she thinks it's really cool...

and she starts listening in on

all her friends...

and she works out all these ways

of making money from it.

But then it all starts

to go wrong...

and she finds she can't stop.

What, she can't turn it off?

No.

It's like she becomes

addicted to it.

And?

Well, I haven't worked out

all the details yet...

but that's the basic idea.

Right.

Well, it sounds really

interesting.

Sounds like a nightmare to me.

Well, that's the point.

Imagine what would happen...

if we all knew what we really

thought about each other.

I'd go for it.

Oh, bollocks you would.

No, actually,

you probably would.

You'd have no friends.

But that's only if you couldn't

take what they were thinking...

which really means only if

you can't see yourself...

for what you really are.

Oh, the man of truth.

At least I'm open to it.

No, you're not.

You couldn't take what people

really think about you.

- I think I could.

- You sure about that?

- Absolutely.

- All right.

You've got this idea that you're

some sort of unique artist...

when in fact you're just a c*nt

who shoots wedding videos.

Now you've got this idiot

following you around...

filming conversations

like this...

as if it was something, like,

fascinating and adventurous...

when it's just

4 drunk people...

sitting around

talking bollocks...

like people have always

talked bollocks.

It's a total sham.

Hey, well, you said

you could take it.

Oh, great.

That's fine.

I'm really not bothered.

You're not, are you?

No.

Yeah, that's what I like

about you, Max.

You do not give a f***.

Actually, I do give a f***...

but not about that.

You may say

I should give a f***...

about this, for example.

I've lost my wife.

My children have lost

their mother.

I just...

I...

I just want to say

to members of the public...

that whoever did this is still

out there and must be...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the woman

I did in the kitchen.

Actually, I had a look around

afterwards.

I saw pictures of that guy

and 2 children.

She was young enough

to have parents...

not to mention siblings,

friends, colleagues.

That's a lot of people...

all smashed up

by something I did.

Now, why don't I care

about that?

I mean, I know

you care about it.

That's why you think

I'm a bad person.

But the thing is,

I don't care about it.

I didn't ask not to care

about it, but I just don't.

And if I don't care about it,

how can I think it's wrong?

And if I don't think it's wrong,

then why shouldn't I do it?

We're gonna try

a little experiment.

Just the man.

Onto the woman.

Onto me.

The question is...

were you at all curious to see

what was happening?

I know you don't approve...

and I'm not saying that

you do...

but were you absolutely sure...

without a shadow of a doubt...

that you weren't craning

a little to see?

Hmm?

Not even the teensiest bit?

Now, did you want to

see that or not?

And if not, then why

are you still watching?

All right, it's coming.

That is milk?

Yes, for you.

There you go.

He's always getting

that old film out.

I mean,

it was over 15 years ago.

Funny thing is, he never comes

with me to the cemetery.

He's... he's... Max naughty.

Yeah, he is.

Hello.

Max, do the tyrannosaurus!

Max!

Hey, guys, could you just be...

Max, for God's sake!

He's worse than

the both of them.

This is very good, darling.

Thanks.

What is it again?

Oxtail.

Now, Ben, that's not the way

we eat at the table, is it?

But I'm being a gecko.

You can be a gecko later...

but while you're eating dinner,

you're a human being.

But Max is being a gecko.

Well, sometimes adults

can be geckos...

when little boys can't.

I'm not disagreeing with you.

I just think you're making

too much of it.

I don't think I am making

too much of it.

He's a bad influence.

Oh, he was just being stupid.

So what else is new?

He's always being stupid.

Well, I don't need him being

stupid in my house...

when I'm trying to have

my dinner...

and I don't need him encouraging

disrespect in my children.

Oh, it was hardly that, John.

He disrespects everything,

including us.

You can either sit carping from

the sideline like he does...

or you can get

with the program...

and make something

out of your life.

I don't want my kids choosing

the first option.

Look, he's my brother.

I can't just tell him

not to come round.

I'm not saying

he can't come round.

He just has to learn to respect

our rules when he does.

She's all right, actually... Sam.

You may of course

be wondering...

why she decided to get married

to a complete wanker, but...

it's not so hard

to understand, really.

See, the thing is, she's more

like me than she likes to think.

I mean, she doesn't go around

killing people or anything...

but, well, she's kind of

not with the program...

when it really

comes down to it.

You should have seen the things

she did to me when we were kids.

The difference is...

it bothers her

that she's not with the program.

That's why she married John.

But I don't think

she's happy with him.

Ben and Nico, though...

they're great.

I mean, they're definitely from

our side of the family.

You can see that c*nt John

trying to suck it out of them...

but they're too far gone

already.

They'll only end up

hating him for it...

and that'll be another battle

he's lost.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be

too hard on him.

It's not his fault

he doesn't understand.

He just lacks the equipment.

It's the ones that have

the equipment...

that have to take

responsibility.

Big smiles, please.

That's great.

Good evening, ladies,

gentlemen...

members of Giles' stag party...

which, I can assure you...

having spent the weekend

with them...

do not come into

the first two categories.

Firstly, please forgive me.

I am a little nervous.

This isn't

the first time today...

I've got up from a warm seat...

with a piece of paper

in my hand.

When Giles asked me to be

his best man...

I said straight off, "No way."

He offered me 10 pounds.

I said I couldn't be bought.

He offered me 20 pounds.

I said, "Do you really think

I'm that cheap?"

He offered me 30 pounds.

So good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Crispin,

and I am the best man.

Come on. Nobody can see us.

Fiona, I just got married,

for Christ's sake.

So? It didn't stop us

when you got engaged.

That was different.

Come on. It doesn't mean

you have to stop having fun.

What was that?

Oh, relax.

There's somebody in the bushes.

Who the f*** are you?

Listen.

You may be wondering

why I let you see that.

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