The Layover Page #6

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You know what?

I wanna sit in the back.

- I'd hate me, too.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- No, no switching!

- It's my turn!

- No, no, hey, hey, no switching!

- What're you doing?

Get back in the front.

Just get right there.

Go, so I can sit here!

- What're you doing?

- It's my turn!

(MUSIC CHANGES)

- Hey.

- Thank you.

They always put too much

ice in this.

Ah, what're you doing?

Come on. Ugh.

Headed down to the beach

hand in hand just you and me

Oh my god. Oh my god, did you

seriously do that?

- That is disgusting.

- Oooh.

Oh my god. Oh my god! Open down

the window!

- Agh, dude!

- For God's sakes!

That is disgusting!

You've got the world

at your feet

Success has been so easy

for you

But don't forget it's me

Who put you

where you are now

And I can put you

back down too

Don't don't you want me

You know I can't believe it

When I hear that you

won't see me

Don't don't you want me

It smells nice.

It's lavender. It's great

for dry skin.

Not that you have any.

Feels good.

Minerals, essential vitamins,

and extracts.

(SENDS MESSAGE)

Also a sh*t ton of honey.

It's like sticking your hand

in a beehive.

Careful, don't get stung.

- (MESSAGE ALERT)

- Oh my god.

- What?

- It's from Meg's mom.

I texted her to wish her

a happy birthday and...

It's not her birthday.

She sent me this photo of when

we were in high school.

What photo?

Oh my god. When is this from?

- It's, uh, prom.

- (RYAN LAUGHS)

[RYAN]

What is that on your head?

- It's um...

- It's nothing, it's just a hat.

It's a helmet. It's a protective

helmet... for her skull.

Uh, may I see?

Oh, yeah, my nephew had one

of those when he was three...

and a half months old,

'cause his head was shaped...

like a zucchini and they were

trying to reshape it.

Was your head shaped

like a zucchini?

No, I just had migraines.

She had this really rare

condition.

It was um, what was it?

It was complex...

Complex chiari malformation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

Malformation. It was horrible.

The kids just called her

horrible names.

She wore the thing for six

months. It was terrible.

That sucks. Man, kids can

be so mean, you know?

Yeah.

Scrotum head.

Reservoir tip.

Captain Retard.

Soft-skull Smurf...

it was horrible.

I just tried to be there

for her, though.

No matter what the kids

called her.

Well, she's lucky to have you

as a friend.

I actually feel really lucky

because her struggles...

really, they inspired me to...

to teach special needs kids...

so... so, thank you, Meg.

Oh yeah.

Scrotum head... that's pretty

good.

I'm gonna run to the ladies'

room.

You guys want something

to drink? I'm buyin'.

Oh, I'm good.

Oh, I'm good, too.

Oh... hi.

Hi, how are you today?

Oh, not bad.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh god.

(COUGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEEING)

(DOOR KNOB TURNS)

Occupied!

Ugh.

All right.

(JIGGLES DOOR)

Meg, is that you?

It's Scrotum head, b*tch.

[KATE] Hello?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

[KATE] Hello? There's an unsafe

level of feces in here!

Hey.

Listen, Kate may be a while.

She's having an issue.

Everything okay?

Unusually heavy flow.

Don't say anything.

I would normally never tell you,

but she'd be mortified...

if everyone thought

it was the diarrhea.

That's mostly cleared up.

Ok, well, we'll just wait.

Look what I got,

the most expensive of the two.

Good idea.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

It's crazy, isn't it?

We've only known each other

for a few days...

and yet I feel like I've known

you my whole life.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Well, you know, we've been

stopping a lot.

We'll pick up the pace.

You know... sorry, I gotta

take this. Hey, you maniac!

Yeah, yeah man,

I'm just outside Valdosta...

I should be getting

in about 10:
00.

Yeah. You guys having fun?

(BEE BUZZING)

Get... f***ing bumblebee!

Jesus.

Everyone wants a bite

of that guy.

[MEG] There's not really honey

in the hand cream.

Hey. Yeah, uh, sorry. No.

Gassed up and ready to roll.

Good for you.

Where's Kate? We should hit it.

- Calm down.

- I am calm.

I just thought we were trying

to make it to a wedding.

That's why I've been speeding

the whole time.

67? That's your idea

of speeding?

Traditionally, when someone

does you a favor...

you say "thank you".

Well, I'm a rebel.

[RYAN] Uh, just keep me

posted. Okay, buddy.

Ryan! Ryan, is everything okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

These guys are animals.

We'll leave it at that.

[MEG] Awesome.

Anyway, I was thinking,

I'm not gonna have much to do.

Kate's obsessed with looking

for shells on the beach...

so after you finish

the wedding stuff...

and maybe you wanna hook up...

or even if you need a date,

I brought a dress.

- It's really more...

- (LOUD CRASH)

Oh my god!

Are you okay? What happened?

What happened?!

Someone locked me in the

bathroom! That's what happened!

Why? Who would do that?

That homeless guy. You know

what? I smelled meth on him.

Guys, what is taking so...

oh my god!

Are... are you okay?

Oh... you got something

on your...

(GUTTURAL SCREAM)

Where are we?

I think that's poop.

Don't touch me!

I wasn't going to.

Motherf***er!

Oh my god!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Ugh. Oh, god.

You okay?

Yeah, it's just... my neck.

I think I tweaked it

when I fell.

- Here, come here.

- Oh yeah, sure. Thank you.

[RYAN] Right here?

Yeah. Here, just...

right there.

Oh yeah. Mm.

[KATE]

Oh god yeah, right there...

oh, oh my god, that is so good.

Yeah, you got a big knot

right here.

Oh yeah. Oh! That's awesome.

Jesus, you two, get a room.

Finally.

Oh! Mm.

Sorry you hurt your neck.

Yeah, I bet you are.

I am. Want a sip?

It might help loosen

up your neck.

No, thank you.

Nah, me neither.

That's what I get for traveling

with a bunch of stiffs.

What're you doing? Stop!

You don't know me.

I know you're the driver.

I thought you were a rebel.

How much do you weigh?

What?

You've been driving for a while.

Want me to tap in?

Look, I'm on the road like six,

seven days a month.

A haul like this

is nothing to me.

Just get some sleep.

Everything's fine.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hush now close your eyes

Time to sleep

(SNORING)

[MEG] Are you insane?!

[CRAIG] Okay! We're okay. We're

okay. What'd that sign say?

Are you insane?

I'm screwed, man. I'm really

f***ing screwed.

I'm not gonna make the wedding.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are,

bucko.

- When is it?

- Tomorrow.

Oh. Oh, geez, I feel weird.

Help you?

Yeah, the uh, headlamps

are out on our car.

- Is there a garage in town?

- Yeah.

You think the guy could open up

and maybe take a look?

Oh, no, I doubt it.

Can we rent a car?

- Sure.

- Now?

Oh, oh, no. Not tonight.

How long will it take us

to get a car?

I ate one of those um...

Well, it'd have to come

from the airport.

- I think they open around 8:00.

- Uh, you know.

Would they deliver it here?

I don't know. Maybe. No.

Can we borrow your car?

No.

And when you don't use bread...

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