The LEGO Batman Movie Page #3

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dressed in black,

listening to angry music,

and staying up all night.

Yes, I can, 'cause I'm Batman.

But don't you think it's time

you finally faced your greatest fear?

- Snakes?

- No.

- Clowns?

- No.

Snake clowns?

Bruce, listen.

Your greatest fear is

being a part of a family again.

Nope. Now it's snake clowns,

because you put that idea in my head.

- Sir?

- Time for push-ups!

One, two... We're going to 1,000.

I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.

It is possible. I'm already at 20.

You're scheduled to go to

Jim Gordon's retirement party.

What? No. I don't wanna do that.

- You're going to have a great time!

- No, no, no.

You might meet some new people!

No, no, no!

You could even make some new friends.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No!

And before you go,

we can do your favorite thing.

Tuxedo dress-up party.

Sir, aren't you forgetting something?

- Nope.

- Your cowl.

My what, now?

Your armored face disguise?

Fine.

- Happy now?

- Indubitably.

Good. Must be nice to be happy.

Tonight, on Metropolis in Focus,

we have our favorite star, Superman!

What up, Gotham!

Superman, tell me. How do you feel

about your recent banishment

of Zod to the Phantom Zone?

Yeah, look, Pippa, it's...

It's complicated. Okay?

Zod and I, we've had some

pretty epic battles over the years.

I don't believe I would be Superman

without fighting Zod.

See? Superman gets it. Why can't Batman?

Check it out, guys.

I built a CD rack. Ta-da!

And how am I supposed to get

Batman's respect

when I'm working with these human farts?

Boo-boo, look at me.

You're too good for Batman.

He needs to open his eyes

and see what it feels like

when you're not around. Okay?

Yeah, Pippa. I couldn't put Zod

in a regular prison, right?

He's Zod. Come on!

No, he needed to go someplace

where he could never harm

Metropolis ever again.

The Phantom Zone.

Ah, yes, the notorious space jail

that houses the greatest

super-villains of all time.

They've got, like,

the sickest baddies up there.

They got, like, this guy.

- And her.

- I'll get you, my pretty!

- To say nothing about him.

- Wingardium Leviosa!

And these guys.

Exterminate!

I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face.

Bruce, over here!

Okay, shutterbugs. Look alive, here we go.

I'm gonna give you three poses. You ready?

Kissy face.

Oops, I did it again.

And the Bad Boys. What you gonna do?

I'm out of here, guys. Thank you.

- Congresswoman.

- Mr. Wayne, good to see you.

- Senator, looking great.

- Bruce.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

Bruce, any advice

for the new commissioner?

Long as he knows how to push the button

for the Bat-Signal, he'll be fine.

Bruce, I don't know how you did it.

You can't prove it, you didn't do it.

Mr. Wayne, so great to see you!

Come and join us!

Mr. Prime Minister.

Did you have some work done?

No way!

Bruce Wayne!

He's the greatest orphan of all time.

Shamon, Shamon

- Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador.

- Mr. Wayne!

- You want a picture?

- That would be swell!

Here we go. Party face!

Boom. Keep it.

Whoa! Thanks, Mr. Wayne.

Call me Bruce, champ.

I'm just so jazzed to meet you, sir.

I'm sorry, did you say "jazzed"?

Yes! My name's Richard Grayson, but all

the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

- Well, children can be cruel.

- Yeah.

- Great to see you, Bruce.

- Nice to see you, sir.

- So, I had a question for you, sir.

- Okay, hit me with it.

Do you have any advice

on how to get adopted?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, you do?

- Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?

- Sure.

Um, all right, for example,

is teeth whitener a good idea?

- Yes. There you go, pal.

- Thanks!

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

- Looking good, Bruce.

- Thank you so much.

How about eyeliner or a foreign language?

- Try both.

- Bueno.

Look, it's the new commissioner!

- Where? Oh, she's with the mayor!

- Okay. Let's see.

Here she is, everyone!

- Oh, my darling!

- Hi, Dad.

Mr. Wayne?

Should I get experimental surgery

to make my eyes larger

and more vulnerable-looking?

Uh, do that.

Uh, Mr. Wayne?

Are you currently in the market

to adopt a child?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

- Wow.

Are you looking for more

of a base model orphan

- or one that has more upgraded features?

- Yep.

Like cooking or driftwood art?

- Gymnastic abilities?

- Yep. Yep.

Close-up street magic la David Blaine?

- All of it sounds great.

- Really?

Because all of it sounds like me.

Mr. Wayne, do you think you'd be

interested in adopting me

as your future orphan son?

Definitely.

Oh, this is great!

Because all I want is to get adopted,

so I can finally stop being

alone.

We've gathered here tonight to

mark the retirement of Jim Gordon.

Goodbye.

And we wish him well

on his South African jungle safari!

Thank you.

Now, to introduce you

to his exciting new replacement.

Everyone, meet your new commissioner!

Meet Barbara Gordon!

- The new commissioner of Gotham City!

- Whoa!

She was top of her class

at Harvard for Police.

She cleaned up the streets

of Gotham's nearby sister city Bldhaven

using statistics

and compassion.

And now she's bringing her new ideas

and her nunchucks to Gotham City.

Congratulations, darling.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Here she is, everyone!

Thank you! Thanks!

Hurray!

Ms. Gordon, over here!

- Big smile!

- Wow.

Thank you for the oversized key

to Arkham Asylum.

And, uh, what's this?

Thank you for the switch

to the Bat-Signal.

Nice.

Dad, you've always done a great job

protecting Gotham City.

Flip! That's me.

Thank you. Along with Batman, of course.

Whoo! Let's hear it for Batman!

Who I wish was here right now.

Oh, I'm sure he's listening.

I'd like to ask all of you a question.

Are you fed up with crime?

- Uh-huh. We're all tired of crime.

- Yeah, we're sick of it.

Great. Then let's talk about

real improvements

that will end the cycle of crime.

I've got a four-point pilot program

that I'd love to share with you.

I wanna hear all four points.

- It's called...

- I am ready.

It takes a village...

Best opening to a title ever.

Not a Batman.

- Waiter.

- Sir?

- Can I?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.

Thanks so much.

- What?

- Look.

Batman's been on the job

for a very, very, very,

very, very, very, very, very long time.

He has aged phenomenally.

However, despite all the great work

Batman has done for us,

Gotham City is still the most

crime-ridden city in the world.

- She's got a great point.

- Interesting.

Historically speaking, that is accurate.

- He hasn't captured Riddler.

- You know, she's right.

He hasn't captured Bane.

- Huh!

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