The LEGO Batman Movie Page #5

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for your life.

Not right now, I don't.

And it starts by raising your son.

I'm sorry.

I literally have no idea

what you're talking about.

The young orphan you adopted

at the gala. Remember?

Wow! Stairs. Whee!

He's been living here for the past week.

Hello, table! Boom!

And I must say, I've grown

rather fond of the young lad.

Hello, secret camera.

You should get to know him.

We are family

- You and he have a lot in common.

- En garde.

Hello, family photos.

He lost his parents at a very young age.

I've always wanted one of those.

Doesn't he deserve a chance for someone

to take him under their wing,

as I took you under mine?

Alfred, you've been watching

way too many Lifetime movies

and drinking chardonnay.

- It's Pinot grigio, sir.

- Whatever it is.

Listen, you don't have a family.

You're satisfied serving me.

So what do you know about

having a surrogate son?

Now, I'm gonna go fight crime

while you put that kid on the next jet

to the orphanage. Got it?

As you wish, sir.

Whoops-a-daisy.

Wait, what are you doing?

Dusting.

You can't let him into the Batcave!

I'm not. I'm letting him into your life

via the Batcave.

What?

It's the Batcave!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Batman! Whoa!

You're darn right, "Whoa."

Wait, does Batman live

in Bruce Wayne's basement?

No. Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.

- We can have sleepovers every night!

- No, we can't.

- Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!

- Wait, don't touch that!

Over there, it's the Bat-Space shuttle.

Please, keep your hands off that.

- Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!

- Don't touch that either!

- It's the Bat-Train!

- No!

- It's the Bat-Kayak.

- No!

- It's the Bat-Dune buggy.

- No!

It's the Bat shark repellent?

Uh, actually, you can touch that.

It's completely useless.

Whoa! Thanks, Batman!

Please, stand over there.

And don't touch, look at, or do anything

for the remaining moments

you have in my presence.

Okay, cool.

- Computer.

- Go ahead.

How do I put the Joker

in the Phantom Zone?

Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone

using the Phantom Zone Projector.

Current location,

Superman's Fortress of Solitude

inside the Atomic Cauldron.

However, only a person that isn't

shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll

can enter the cauldron.

Ugh, I'm way too buff.

You also have beautiful abs, sir.

That's my cross to bear.

Additionally, once inside the cauldron,

multiple Kryptonian

defense systems engage,

including the Acid Moat, Ring of Napalm,

and the Jaws of Death.

Chance of total mission failure is 110%.

Those are not great odds.

Wait a minute.

- Hey, kid.

- Yes, sir?

- You're super nimble, right?

- I sure am!

- And small?

- Very.

- And quiet?

- When I desire to be.

And 110% expendable?

I don't know what that means, but okay.

Great. Follow me.

We are gonna steal

the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman.

- Steal?

- Yeah.

We have to right a wrong.

And, sometimes, in order to right a wrong,

you have to do a wrong-right.

Gandhi said that.

Are we sure Gandhi said that?

- I'm paraphrasing.

- Cool!

Preparing Fortress

of Solitude infiltration gear.

Wow! Look at all these!

Do I get a costume for the mission, too?

I got a feeling that you'll just look

like a kid on Halloween.

Don't you think?

Don't touch that.

Whoo-hoo!

- El Mariachi.

- I like that one!

- That one is culturally insensitive.

- Night Terror.

- That one!

- No way.

- This one?

- Death Merchant.

- No.

- I'm okay.

- This one.

- Fire Starter.

- This one.

- Clawed Reigns.

- Excali-Bat.

- This one?

- Silent but Deadly.

- Nope.

Bat-ryshnikov.

How do we feel about this one?

Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only.

Wait. What's that one there?

That one was for the assignment

called The Jamaican Caper.

The locals called me Reggae Man.

I love it!

Ah! Feels like I was poured into this.

My only trouble is,

these pants are just a little tight.

I don't know if I could throw a kick

or jump in them.

I got an idea. Rip! That's better!

Now I'm free, now I'm moving.

Come on, Batman. Let's get grooving!

I can only look you in the eyes right now.

- Sir, what are you doing?

- What do you mean?

Why is Master Dick dressed like that?

How dare you tell me

how to parent my kid I just met?

To the Batmobile!

Hot-diggity-dog!

Vehicle rotisserie engaged.

Retrieving the Speedwagon.

Atomic batteries to power.

Turbines to speed.

Hey, kid. Let's go.

- Oh, shoot!

- What?

I probably shouldn't leave

until I get the thumbs up

from my new old man, Bruce Wayne.

Uh, yeah. Here's the thing.

Bruno and I decided

to share custody of you.

So I get a say

and you're mission approved.

No way! Is this really happening?

Yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

A month ago, I had no dads.

Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads!

- And one of them is Batman!

- Yeah.

It's raining dads!

So,

are you ready to follow Batman

and maybe learn a few

life lessons along the way?

I sure am, Dad Two!

But first, where's the seatbelt?

The first lesson is,

life doesn't give you seatbelts!

- Let's go!

- Whoo-hoo!

Yes!

Faster, Dad! Faster!

- Whoo!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh! Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry.

Get back up in that seat. There you go.

Hey, listen.

As soon as I get back to the Batcave,

I'll make sure that

Alfred puts seatbelts on there, okay?

But for the time being,

I'm just gonna put my arm right here.

And we're just gonna

gently ease out of here.

And here we go.

Okay. Like all superheroes,

Superman has zero friends,

and he spends most of his time

basking in sweet, sweet isolation,

here at his alone palace.

So, I'll keep him busy

while you sneak into that vent

and get the Projector. Got it?

Copy that! Oh, here's an idea.

I could also...

Whoa, whoa.

Don't even finish that thought.

See this counter?

These are all the good ideas Batman has.

And no one else has ever had

any good ideas. So don't even try.

Your super power...

...is excellent listening

and execution of my ideas.

- Let's try it out.

- Cool!

Drop to the ground. Do a backflip.

Do a front flip. Triple Axel.

Pli. Relev. Jet. Pythagorean theorem.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared.

Physicalize it!

A squared plus B squared

equals C squared.

- How'd I do, Dad?

- Mediocre.

Yes!

And don't call me "Dad."

Now, begin mission.

Yes, Papa.

"Papa" falls into the "Dad" category.

'Sup, Supes?

Wow. It's Batman.

And he's at my house.

Right now.

What are you doing here?

Don't worry about it, dawg.

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