The Lion of the Moguls Page #3

Andy, you think I havent

studied screenplay writing?

Screenplay. Thats what its called.

- Yep. Some?

- A script for a movie.

- Well talk about that later.

- Theres a name for people like me.

Theyre called writer/directors.

We do two things.

Hollywood had to invent it

because theres a lot of

people in Hollywood like me

that are multi-gifted.

Come Christmas morning,

a kid has two gifts under a tree.

You cant ask him to open just one.

- Sophie's Choice.

- Whats that, kid?

Uh, Sophie's Choice.

Yeah, if you like. Sure, kid.

The kid could be named Sophie.

See, Andy? Were creating.

Its called collaboration.

I work well with others.

Andy, Clara and Mrs. Morelli

have asked me to ask you

just when can they get a look

at some big porno wienie,

"cause they just love

the big porno wienie.

Funny, Otis, but, please,

let me just go on, okay?

Andy, how much is this

going to cost each of us?

Uh, total, uh...

Should we starting

writing checks now, Andy?

Yeah, were in, Andy.

Two grand apiece.

- Oh, my...

- 'Kay,

- Now we were off and running.

- What?

Each?

We were all equal partners financially,

but I told them that those

involved in making the film

would get something that's

called screen credit.

They'd see their name

when they watched the film.

Nobody thought that

was anything too great.

And then I had explained that

I had watched a lot of films

to prepare for this,

and had at my house

some excellent examples of porno.

There were two problems immediately.

Where was everyone gonna get two grand,

and of those who wanted to be involved

in, uh, the production,

who was gonna do what?

Here, I've learned

movies are supposed to show, not tell,

so I'll show you Otis telling

me what he'd like to do.

- Andy, I appreciate you coming by.

- Ah...

- Hey.

- Hey, Rev.

Hello.

I'm gonna get my money.

Oh, great.

You know I want in,

and I want in as more...

more than just an investor.

I wanna be involved. Totally.

Well, you know, it takes a

lot of people to make a movie.

Theres lots to do.

Do you have some idea

what youd like to do?

Id like to watch.

Well, you know about this

movie film stuff, Andy.

Is there a guy,

when youre making a movie,

who just stands around?

Andy, I know why youre doing this,

and I'm rooting for

you and I'm with you.

Really.

I mean, we know each

other how long, huh?

You are familiar with my life.

You may notice that I'm sweeping here.

I dont like being a

custodian of a church,

but I wouldnt like anything

else, either, you know?

Life is a little too dirty

for my taste, in general.

People, for the most part,

arent really my cup of tea,

but, now, you tell me that

for the next week or two

that I...

I get to hang around

with porno peacharoonies,

and be there while they do their thing?

And drink coffee with them,

and after coffee, you know,

walk them over to their next hump.

I mean, I cant think

of anything better

I could win at a raffle.

And afterward...

youre gonna put money in my pocket?

Great.

I'm not gonna be changed by this event,

but thats better than my days go.

Can you use a guy like me, Andy?

Otis was made executive producer

on the film.

Hey, Some.

Hey, guys. Thanks a lot for coming.

Let me get right to the point.

Andy, Id like to talk

to you about the film.

Id really... Id like

to be the writer/director.

Yeah, I know, Some.

Uh... isnt that an

awful lot to handle?

Sure it is, Andy Sure it is.

But thats why its

so attractive to me.

But, Some, youd actually

have to write the script,

and I'm sure directing

means that youd really

need to seem like you have some idea

about what youre doing.

Andy, look.

Andy, look. Come here.

I promise you, I will not show up

on that set before I can seem like

I have some idea of what I'm doing.

Already Ive been in

a photography class.

Not just one class, a few nights.

- I know.

- Writing class.

And, Andy, I am not lying,

Ive taken a film class.

Showed up pretty often.

We watch movies and talk about "em.

Look, forget all that.

Listen to me, Andy.

When you yelled out the other night

that we were gonna make a film,

it was honestly a sign from God for me.

I mean, just that day...

I swear this, Andy...

I came to the realization...

I mean, Ive never known anything

or felt anything

so clearly in my life

that what I'm meant to be,

is that my...

my destiny is to be...

a... director.

Some, I wont let you

develop my snapshots,

and I love you.

Thats the other thing.

Youre filming this

thing, right, not videoing?

Yeah, Emmett can get

something called short ends

of 16mm film.

Film looks a lot better than video,

which is another way

ours will stand out.

The place we send the

film to from this place...

does all the developing for

all the big movie outfits.

I could work some big

time magic over there.

Developing wont be

your biggest expense.

Not if I'm the writer/director.

Andy, this is your baby.

I only want success for you.

And look, Some is a

friend of mine, too,

but certainly one of

our keys to success here

is to keep him as far away

from this thing as possible,

and you just made him

the writer/director.

Okay, good, he can help

us with the developing...

No, he cant.

This is Some were talking about.

He stopped developing at 15.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to take

away the guys destiny?

Thats why I'm doing

this, Barney, you know?

Id give anything if

everybody or any one of us

could get some destiny out of this.

I just wanna make sure youve

thought this thing through.

Youre the only level headed,

solid guy in the whole town.

Solid? Like a rock?

And thats why...

I'm hoping that... that you'll, uh,

produce this thing with me.

You know, be my co-producer, hmm?

Co-producer?

Yeah, well, you know...

you have a way with people

that I just dont have.

I want you to be head

of public relations, too.

Head?

Yeah.

And co-producer?

- Thats two things.

- Yeah, I know.

If its not asking too much.

Okay, so, the funding.

Some of the town

actually had two grand.

Others got another credit card.

Moe-Ron got it out of their

pension from the factory.

Otis borrowed it from the reverend.

Uh, didn't tell him what

it was for, of course.

Otis claims he's a gay

reverend, by the way.

Me, Barn, Moose, and Some Idiot

simply did what we

hoped we'd never have to.

We hocked our fathers' watches.

Moose, his mother's pin.

Hi, Mom and Pop.

Look, about this new

thing I'm doing, uh...

I realize it might not fall

under how you raised me,

its just not all like you said.

You know, some of the

stuff you taught me,

its just not applicable.

You were wrong about

some stuff, Mom, Pop.

I dont know why I am the way I am,

but I have to get something going.

Thats gotta be most important.

Now, its business.

You know, America.

I love you.

I'm trying to be a good boy.

This could work out. I have a feeling.

It was time for our

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