The Lion of the Moguls Page #4

first production meeting.

Oh, there you go!

Emmett was now a member of our team,

and we were very

encouraged by his ability.

We figured if he's this

good a third baseman,

he can't be a bad cameraman.

Emmett!

Emmett! Excellent! Excellent!

To the porno!

Porno! Porno!

Porno! Porno!

Hey, I'm sure you got

more important things

youd like to talk about,

but I cant stand it anymore.

Lets hear about the gals you

got lined up for the porno.

Yeehaw! Boy, thats what I wanna know.

Lets hear about the

gals we got in the porno.

Its all I can think about.

I cant even sleep anymore.

- You should see the bags under my eyes.

- Eye on the ball!

As the director, I'm very eager to

find out who my cast is going to be.

And as the writer, needless

to say, its a total advantage

to know who youre writing for.

Its going to help my script

immensely, so go ahead, Andy.

Hey, you got the gals to get hose-arinoed,

et cetera, in the porno, right?

Oh, please, Andy, stop teasing us.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on.

John, lets go.

Of course, Andys got the

gals lined up for the porno.

I mean, how would we have

a porno without gals, right?

Fellas, youre talking about casting...

casting, uh, you know, that takes place

during preproduction,

and were in preproduction now.

- Right, Emmett?

- Preproduction.

And, fellas, thats really

one of the main things

I wanted to talk to you about tonight.

Andy, to make a good porno film,

I'm gonna need some gals to get

boned and give head and stuff.

You need a script first.

How can you cast without a script?

Well, I'm working on that.

Excuse me,

isnt the role of the gal

getting futzed in unthinkable ways

go to whoever we can get to do it?

Am I wrong?

Fellas, we have money in

the budget to pay the actors,

or we offer them whats

called a piece of the backend.

Just like were each getting

you know, equal share of the profit

for our two grand,

in exchange for acting services

rendered, they get a share.

For a half-a-dozen

guys unloading on you

so you look like a melted candle today,

we will gladly pay you on Tuesday?

I dont know whos

gonna go for that one, A.

Strike!

All right, this was

our first little hiccup.

So, well, we needed to get some gals.

Uh, Otis made a good point, though.

We probably could

cast without a script.

Hey, Helen, how you doing?

Hey, Some, how you guys doing?

You having trouble with the porno film?

Yes, a little casting trouble.

We just need some lovely ladies

with half your looks,

and wed be golden.

You want me to be in your porno film?

- Yeah.

- No.

I'm the writer/director.

I'm not gonna be in

your porno film, Some.

I would never do that. I

got better things to do.

Who knows, Helen?

It could be an opportunity

to make some real money.

Right now I'm waiting on

this really terrific guy.

He's gonna take me into the city,

and were gonna have a big time.

We might be going to

the Bahamas next week...

or the week after... He's taking me.

What time is he

supposed to pick you up?

Eightish.

Well, its pretty close to 10.

He said "ish. "

Mine! Mine! Mine!

Aah!

I know some dishes who

would do it for me as a favor

"cause Ive done them a

few favors in the past,

if you know what I mean.

But, unfortunately,

theyre all out of town.

Well, some... Some are out of town.

Uh, one broke her leg.

And her back.

Um, shes in a full body cast,

so that wouldnt really work.

Well, not easily, anyway.

From the bar, we went back to my house,

which is also the production office.

I had this idea

that we should draw up a list

of the types of scenes we needed.

This way we'd know how

many cast members to get,

and what it is we'd

be asking them to do.

Can we do that?

See, there are some required

scenes in all pornos,

you know, scenes that,

well, you gotta have,

obviously, because,

well, they all have 'em.

Okay, that does it.

Now, we need at least one lesbo scene,

so thats two gals.

One gal masturbating with toys.

That could be one of the

gals from the lesbo scene.

- Right?

- Mmm.

At least one, uh...

You know, maybe itd be best

if it werent.

What do you mean, Some?

What is the lesbo scene gonna include?

A lot of donut bumping

and carpet munching, right?

So its gonna concentrate

a lot in the same area

as the gal-twiddling scene, isnt it?

If we use one of the

same gals from both,

then maybe wed...

Be tired of looking at her fruit cup.

Oh, all right. I hear you.

All right. See, this is good.

Were working together.

You know, lets keep this up.

Some, looking alive, buddy.

Thank you.

Youre walking and talking

like a real writer/director now.

Yeah.

Okay, lets keep going.

So, at least one

in-the-butt scene.

Preferably two, but one will do.

Its amazing how

popular in-the-butt is.

In porno.

Uh... okay, moving on.

One "black guys with d*cks

thatd be big on elephants

with a little white girl" scene.

Where were gonna get the black guy,

I have no idea,

but... that about does it.

Uh, girl gobbling at least

three guys at once, Andy.

Oh, good. Thanks, man.

- Oh, whoa. Whoa.

- Good call.

"Gal giving multiple knob jobs

concurrently" scene.

Okay, here are the scenes.

We got lesbo,

masturbating,

a couple

in-the-butt,

white girl, black guys,

and blowing three.

- Good porno.

- Mm-hmm.

Hi, Floyd.

Moe-Ron, hi.

How ya doin"?

Good.

Hey, Thelma.

Hi.

Oh. Oh.

Hmm.

Well...

So, um...

Billys worried now that

youve seen our place

that youre uncomfortable

about having him

spend the weekends with you.

Well, I see him on weekends.

You take him out to dinner on Friday,

and then a few hours

on Saturday and Sunday.

Well...

You know, he thought youd

be together on the weekends.

There are no sheets on his bed, Thel.

When you moved out,

you mustve taken them.

Theres just a stripped

bed in his room.

I didnt leave dirty sheets on the bed

when I packed up the room.

I'm sure that theyre

in the linen closet,

or I'll buy you some new sheets.

I have a linen closet?

Are there sheets for my

bed in there, you think?

Andy, Billy doesnt care about houses,

and he doesnt want you to care.

You know He's not even

that good at basketball.

He only plays it because you did.

Well, soon, I promise.

I'm just in the middle

of this thing right now,

the house is a mess with it,

but I need to go with this thing.

You know, this could

really be a good thing.

This... this could be it.

You know, I got a feeling.

Good luck, Andy.

My fingers are crossed

in double knots for you.

Bye.

You look pretty, Thel.

This is Some Idiot's mother's house.

Some lives with his mom.

She's mostly deaf, by the way.

All right, so we've

skipped ahead a little here.

Just a little. We still had no cast.

We went to Some's for

an afternoon snack.

To his credit, he was taking

this thing pretty seriously.

Some was reading all

kinds of books on film,

and had a first draft

of the script for us.

- Example.

- Uh, not anything good.

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