The Lion of the Moguls Page #5

"Page 44.

"Exterior. Top of train. Day.

"The train speeds through the city

"as Yvonne and Jizelle lay

on the top of the train,

eating out each others honey pots. "

First of all, well,

thats a very nice scene.

We dont have any women yet,

let alone two to yodel each other

on the top of a moving train.

And then, here, reaction shots

from people in skyscrapers

as they peer and gawk out their windows

at the passing train.

You know, again, terrific,

but where is this?

Were gonna build a city

for the train to pass through

thats surrounded by skyscrapers?

What, are we gonna fly somewhere?

And then here. This is my favorite.

99. "Interior. Office. Day.

"Boris gives it to Bianca in the butt

as she defuses the bomb. "

I mean, you know, a bomb?

Some Idiot, tell your friends

to stop talking so much.

How can they eat?

Everybodys good, Ma.

Dont worry about it.

Its an important meeting here, Mom.

This is delicious, Mrs. Cherkiss.

Hows your son, Andy?

Does he like being rich?

Oh, yeah.

I hear He's got a basketball

court in his room. Is that right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Great.

Some, I dont know.

Uh, I mean personally,

I think Bianca, you know,

she might be a little distracted

if Boris visits her back porch

while shes diffusing the bomb.

And its kind of irresponsible

of them, you know?

So many people die

if the bomb goes off!

Some, we dont know what were doing!

I mean, really, Some.

Even I could keep my

hands off some hot dolly

if she was busy diffusing a bomb,

at least for a few minutes.

I really think Boris

should show some restraint.

Andy, Orson Welles said,

"The absence of limitation

is the enemy of art. "

I'm sorry, but whats the point

of letting me write the script

if youre not gonna

let me do what I do?

We dont know what were doing, Some!

Weve got to keep it simple!

Otherwise, were never

going to make this porn!

Andy, first off,

lesbians are not going

to be hard to find.

Read a magazine. Theyre

growing on trees these days.

We couldnt film a kiss today.

Who wants Jell-o?

You know that scene

where the helicopter lowers the ladder

and Congresswoman Pennedy

and her black bodyguard Leroy,

they grab on, theyre swooped away

just in the nick of time?

She proceeds to blow him on the ladder

while theyre swung around the sky?

That scene is covered by our budget?

Thats not my...

Its got cut-up fruit in it.

Some, this thing is 190 pages.

You got to figure

that a porno is like an action film.

Who needs "The car blows up.

"A huge red fireball engulfs the area,

"sending flaming pieces

"of burning metal through the air.

People flee," et cetera, et cetera?

Pears and apples.

"The car blows up.

The gal blows the guy" will do.

We get it.

Nine, ten pages, no more.

Uh, Mrs. Cherkiss, you

dont have to serve us.

Join us here.

- Okay, honey.

- I have to go.

Thats it, right there.

Lets see here.

Thank you.

Okay, Ive been sitting

on this all night,

waiting for the right moment.

I saved the day.

Finally got us some gals.

- At least one for sure.

- What?

Ive been wracking my brain.

These are modern times.

There must be some gals around here

who would like to do some porn.

The opportunity has

simply not lent itself.

And then it hit me.

I got embarrassed, its so obvious.

Who is it?

Whos the sure thing? Tell us.

The gal at the bed store.

- Hey!

- Shes hot!

Right? Come on.

- Yeah, I like her.

- Oh!

How did you... When did you ask her?

Havent yet. We got to do that.

Then she didnt say shed do it.

- Barney, she works in a bed store.

- Yeah?

A gal who works in a bed store,

you know she likes to what?

Earn a living?

Go to bed, A.K.A. Lie down,

A.K.A. Scrump.

I do? I know that? Since

when do I know that?

Why else would she work at a bed store?

Again, I mention salary.

- Maybe she likes to sleep.

- Yeah, she probably loves both,

but were only concerned with

the "her loving to scrump" part.

I dont think youre right.

No, I'm positive.

Were all missing this?

Four idiots doubting

something makes it untrue?

She works at a bed store.

Scrumping's her middle name.

Vegetarians dont sell hot dogs!

Emmett, I ask you something. I

tell you a gal works in a bed store.

- What do you know for sure?

- Loves to scrump.

Shes in.

Are you serious?

We have our first cast member?

Now we were really off and running.

Otis, way to go!

I cannot believe it! This is fantastic!

You told her everything?

Oh, yeah, she'll do it in the butt,

off helicopters, with toys, anything.

She works in a bed store,

so naturally she loves scrumping.

I cannot believe it!

You just asked her,

and now we have our first cast member.

Andy, I wasnt kidding when I said

I was looking forward to this porno.

And let this be a lesson to all of us.

In life, nothing

ventured, nothing gained.

Unfortunately, a little problem came

from Otis' success.

It encouraged Some.

The next day, he

called me all revved up

and insisted I meet him right away.

He's got us another actress.

Charlene Pike. Works here full time.

Shes 20, I'm telling you.

She looks 16.

But shes 20. Five days ago.

I know it for a fact. I

remember when she was born.

You told her everything, in detail,

about what shed be doing?

I swear to God, Andy,

tell her yourself.

According to Some,

Charlene wanted to

do our porno... a lot.

I'm not comfortable with

this. It feels wrong.

I dont think wed be

doing the right thing.

Free country, Andy. If

she wants to... Shes 20.

Were not twisting her arm

or telling her lies

to get her to do it,

and we need her.

What about Ernest G.?

Hed actually kill us in a second.

The only really

dangerous screwed-up guy

that's ever lived around

here is this guy Ernest G...

Ernest G. Pike, Charlene's big brother.

Ernest G.'s somewhere where

he gets very little news

and where they dont allow killing.

He's doing time upstate

for a bunch of robberies.

He wont be away forever.

What about when he gets out?

Well, its not today.

Thats all we have to worry about.

I've been to the movies before.

I assume you have, too, so we both know

this guy is popping up here soon.

I just feel better

coming clean with it now

rather than treating you

like a bunch of idiots who didn't know.

Anyway...

When the day does

come, if he finds out,

well be rich enough to hire bodyguards

or someone to rough him up, whatever.

I cant worry about the

distant future, Andy,

not when theres a

piece of good fortune

available to us right now.

Just talk to her.

Has Some, uh, told you, uh...

what... youd be doing?

Yeah.

Okay.

W:

- Why would you want to do this?

Ever worked at the Softy Freeze, Andy?

No. No, they... they wouldnt hire me.

Andy, why the hell do you

live in Butterface Fields?

Are you crazy?

I mean, why would anybody do that,

let alone want to do that?

Do you want to see my list

of opportunities that have come my way?

Andy, I'm just seizing any openings

because I dont know what else to do.

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